The Hidden Grief of ADHD: What It Is and Where It Comes From

For people with ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), grief often shows up in quiet, subtle, and complicated ways. It’s not always loud or dramatic. Sometimes it’s just a heavy feeling in your chest, a sense that something’s been missing for a long time.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why didn’t anyone notice this sooner?”, or “I wish I had known earlier,”—you’re not alone. That feeling is grief. And it’s completely valid.

1. Grief for the Person You Could Have Been

One of the biggest sources of grief for people with ADHD is looking back and wondering: “What if I had known sooner?”

You might think about how school could have been different if you had accommodations. Maybe you’d have had more confidence if you weren’t constantly being told to “try harder” or “pay attention.” This kind of grief is about lost time and missed potential. It can feel like decades of your life were shaped by misunderstanding.

This grief often surfaces after a late diagnosis, when everything suddenly makes sense.

2. Grief From Misunderstanding and Shame

Before diagnosis, many people with ADHD go through life thinking they’re lazy, scatterbrained, or not trying hard enough. This leads to internalized shame and years of self-doubt.

Grief comes from:
- Being mislabeled
- Feeling broken
- Trying harder without seeing results

It’s grief for a self that was always doing their best—but never recognized as such.

3. Grief Around Relationships

ADHD impacts time management, emotional regulation, and impulsivity—things that can strain even the best relationships. You might grieve lost friendships, romantic breakups, or misunderstandings with family.

It’s painful to feel like your symptoms pushed people away, even though you never meant to hurt anyone.

4. Grief from Constant Comparison

In a productivity-driven world, ADHD often feels like being left behind. You might see others achieving milestones while you struggle to start or finish tasks.

This leads to grief through:
- Comparing yourself to neurotypical peers
- Feeling like you’re always playing catch-up
- Wondering why it’s harder for you

But it’s not about ability—it’s about brain wiring and support systems.

5. Grief for Missed Dreams and Burnout

Because ADHD can cause difficulty with follow-through, many people start projects but rarely finish them. Over time, this leads to:
- Burnout
- Abandoned dreams
- Lost confidence

It’s grief for the versions of you that never got to fully blossom due to a lack of understanding or support.

6. Grief After Diagnosis (Even If It's a Relief)

A diagnosis often brings clarity and validation. But it can also trigger sadness and regret:

- Why wasn’t this caught earlier?
- Why did I blame myself for so long?
- What could have been different?

This grief is layered with relief and anger. It’s part of the healing process.

7. Grief from Feeling 'Different' Your Whole Life

People with ADHD often feel like outsiders. From school to work to friendships, there's a constant feeling of not fitting in.

Grief comes from never feeling fully accepted, or from masking your true self to meet expectations.

You’re Not Alone

If you see yourself in these words, please know: You are not broken. You are not alone. And your grief is valid.

This isn’t about weakness. It’s about surviving a world that wasn’t made for your brain. Now that you understand more, you can begin to heal—on your own terms.

What You Can Do If You Are Grieving

Here’s a user-friendly guide to help you navigate loss with tools that work with your ADHD brain, not against it.

Learn About Grief and ADHD

 First things first: You’re not doing it wrong. Grief might show up as zoning out, forgetting things, or sudden emotional surges. ADHD affects how we regulate emotions, focus, and process memories—which means grieving can look really different. Understanding this can take away a lot of unnecessary guilt.

Ground Yourself with Mindfulness (But Make It ADHD-Friendly)

Traditional mindfulness might not work if sitting still feels impossible. Try:

• Walking meditations
• Fidget toys during reflection
• Guided audio mindfulness apps
• Sensory grounding (holding a soft blanket, lighting a candle, hugging a pillow)

                  These ideas help anchor your body when your mind feels scattered.

Express It Creatively 

Grief often lives in places words can’t reach. Let it out in ways that feel good:

• Structured grief journaling (use prompts like: "What do I miss today?" or "What would I tell them right now?")
• Art, music, or movement
• Build a "memory box" filled with things that remind you of your person or loss

Find the Right Kind of Therapy 

Not all therapy is created equal. Look for:

• Grief coaching, counseling, or trauma-informed therapy
• ADHD-aware therapists
• CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), especially when they use visuals, movement, or hands-on activities

Structure Helps When Emotions Don’t 

Grief can mess with routines, and ADHD makes that even messier. Try:

• Setting gentle reminders for food, water, and sleep
• Using planners or visual schedules
• Making daily checklists or care cards ("Today I will: eat, rest, drink water, take 3 deep breaths")

Connect With People Who Get It 

Isolation is common in grief, especially when you feel like your brain isn’t doing it "right." Reach out to:

• ADHD or grief-specific support groups (online or in-person)
• Friends who let you be real and messy
• Online communities where you can scroll or share when you’re ready

Use ADHD Tricks to Care for Your Grieving Heart

• Set visual timers to keep track of time (grief time warp is real)
• Use metaphors or analogies to understand what you’re feeling (grief = waves, memory = scrapbook)
• Schedule "grief time" so your feelings have a space to breathe

Final Thoughts

Grief in ADHD is real. It’s the silent thread in your story—the “what-ifs” and the weight you’ve carried.

But now you have a name for it. You’re not imagining it. You’re not overreacting. And most importantly, you’re not alone.

Your grief is valid. And it’s not the end of your story, it’s the beginning of self-compassion, healing, and growth.

Becky Brotemarkle, PhD (and more) is a consultant with the ADHD & Marriage consulting group with multiple areas of expertise.  With many years as an RN and hospice care provider she has a great deal of expertise in how to effectively process grief. You can learn more about Becky's work through her site: https://www.macrolifecoaching.com.

Sources

- Ramsay, J. R., & Rostain, A. L. (2015). *The Adult ADHD Tool Kit: Using CBT to Facilitate Coping Inside and Out*. Routledge.
- Barkley, R. A. (2011). *Taking Charge of Adult ADHD*. The Guilford Press.
- Hallowell, E. M., & Ratey, J. J. (2010). *Driven to Distraction (Revised)*. Anchor Books.
- CHADD.org – Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
- ADDitude Magazine – www.additudemag.com