Now he claims the reason for meeting me at the counselor’s is so the kids don’t have to feel awkward when he and I meet face to face at celebrations et cetera. Like it’s my fault.
Well, perhaps he could have sent those celebrations a thought while inflicting divorce trauma, shredding the remains of my trust two years ago.
Of course it will be awkward, of course the kids feel bad when they see my pain. I see no end to it, except what time will eventually bring (a friend having gone through traumatic divorce said it took five years to feel indifferent to her ex).
Trying to keep mindful, but must admit this last vague text from him made me furious. If he’ll try to shame me into compliance, I will have to push down an impulse to spit in his face.
Comments
angry/not angry
You have my sympathy- I do see parallels with my ex. He was bad tempered and prone to angry outbursts and painted me as a villain while we were together, but was horrified at the idea of the marriage ending. Now we have split he is behaving as if we are ‘cool’ - wanting to hang out, even go on holiday together - when I am still raw with pain and anger and grief and am burned out and want nothing to do with him whatsoever. I wonder if this is a lack of empathy thingon his part - he doesn’t really see how I could be hurting, because he never listened to me - and self absorption - he’s ultimately only really interested in what he wants. And he, after all, was not burned out by the relationship- it was useful to him. IDK if this is any help at all, but maybe reminding yourself how wildly different the same experiences can be between ADHDer and Non, and that other exes are behaving in these confounding ways, can help make sense of the behaviour.
The dissonance
Isn’t this a frightening thing? Their utter disregard for or ability to grasp one’s reality?
I went to the counselor today with the ex. He eventually seemed to see the things that have upset me during divorce, and actually took some responsibility for them.
His primary concern is how badly his self-esteem has been hurt by my criticism. He says I didn’t use to listen to him and didn’t adress his emotional needs in the marriage. He however admitted that he didn’t think I had ever meant to hurt him.
Sadly, I couldn’t say the same. I believe he’s repeatedly tried to hurt me as much as possible. Only he doesn’t know or acknowledge it, since he can’t remember his actions. He also seems to assume nothing he does could hurt anyone. Like the aggression isn’t real since it only happens in his RSD moments, which somehow aren’t a part of his regular timeline. Or something.
It’s sickening. I almost threw up at the counselor’s.
Oh crikey, I am so sorry. I
Oh crikey, I am so sorry. I really feel for you.
You don’t have to go again.
X
We’ve spent so long being
We’ve spent so long being gaslit. The wrong they do is nothing, not worth speaking of; and not actually wrong anyway, just a reflex reaction.
The fact we struggle with it is invalid, unfair, cruel.
I’m surprised that after years of this we have any marbles left at all.