I know ADHD leads to miscommunications, but I’ve come to realize that EVERY “miscommunication” ALWAYS leads to less time together, less intamacy and certainly a lot less sex. This is a had pill to swallow. The repeated message that me and my needs are not only unimportant, but contemptible and if I voice any need, it’s yet another example of how insensitive I am to her ADHD. This is manipulative BS. I feel invisible I feel unimportant, I’m feeling done. I’m not perfect, but I’m a pretty good catch, but any demands on her time, no matter how small and inconsequential she bristles. If your ever in marriage counseling and you here the term pursuit/withdrawal cycle and you are the purser, become the withdrawer and withdrawal yourself right into divorce court. If someone is just unwilling or is actually incapable of being a present partner, the resulting feelings are the same. Why you are unimportant doesn’t soften the blow. I think ADHD caused a lot of damage to her, but she is choosing to stay mired in it.
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I feel this
Hey I hear you and feel your pain. I'm in it too. It sounds so hard, isn't it? And exhasting. And sad, if I'm really being honest. It feels so so so sad. They just can't see the pain and havoc their actions have caused and its at our expense. We haven't been to couselling but im on the cusp of saying "I'm done" and just letting the chips fall as they may. I believe I will feel free and like I jumped off a cliff but I know I won't die...but to actually take that leap is so so so hard. I appreciate u sharing.
They love the chaos
You are their pawn because conflict gives them a rush. It doesn't matter if it's a spouse, a cashier, a waiter, a police officer. Often times a spouse is ignored until ADDer comes looking for conflict and a rush. Stop giving her the fight she is looking for. Beyond that there isn't much hope that things will change unless she is willingly engaged in improving the relationship. The gaslighting makes the non spouse feel unwanted and undesirable, as you know. One minute you are the best and an hour later you are the most vile person who walked the earth. In my experience there may be some small changes and then they revert back to status quo. I went out and built a life of my own and discovered that all the gaslighting accusations hurled at me were completely untrue and I was being used for H's dopamine regulation. His professions of love are a lie, they are said when he wants something or has been saved from his disastrous life choices. No one treats someone they love with contempt and public humiliation.
After 17 years of the dynamic you have stated here I walked away
Pursuing a spouse who only chooses themselves will destroy you mentally, emotionally and will take it's toll on your health...ADD/ADHD gets a very bad rap when it comes to adult men and women who live self centered...They aren't blind to their choices...Wishing you all the best...
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