I'm struggling today, I'm.back to waking up at 5am or 5.30 with the voice in my head that is really just the hard, hard truths that are so painful to say outloud.
I know this is not what I want. I want to change it. I think my husband does too but I see his "light" just getting dimmer and dimmer with each passing day. He is so so so lost and broken. It's so very sad. My 11 year old son believes that dad living upstairs, staying in bed is a normal way to be. It's not ok. None of this is in my values or wants or needs. If I thought communicating would help or wouldn't cause a nuclear reaction, I would have done it years ago.
But yet, I freeze when I think its time to say something. I feel.hopeless and powerless even though my brain reminds me that I'm not any of those...yet my feet stay in the quicksand
Can anyone help me with a script, tips or anything that might help me to get myself out of this frozen state and just saying SOMETHING. anything to get this back on track or maybe its just to see and confirm that if we have the option for therapy, he won't go so that will be my final stand - I can not mother him anymore nor do I want to. I won't chase someone who clearly doesn't want to be in a partnership. If he doesn't like me/love me or whatever, I'll actually be ok with that bc I can understand that...but this life. I cant even understand myself - well technically I do understand myself and I operate from a frayed nervous system every. Damn. Day. Its exhasting.
Even if its someone on here that has adhd could give me some insight on what helped flip the switch. I'm not looking for a positive, feel good outcome. I don't think I have one unfortunately but I NEED change. I need to get myself in another direction. I understand I'm a part of this topic dynamic but even if I lay it at my feet, it's not actually moving the needle for us.
And before anyone mentions it.... leaving straight away is not an option at this exact time, he's now gotten 4x letters jn total - they've been all ignored. Requests have been made in calm, collective manners - all gone disregarded. I can use I statements all day long but if he's in a mood - it won't matter. I feel like I don't matter. And I can't understand why I'm still here. And what the hell I'm doing. I've sent podcasts, articles, tried to talk - its all been a negative experience which has caused me to enter the frozen/fawn state more times than I care to admit.
Bottom line: if my son had this exact marriage I think this would be one of the sadest things and consider it a massive failure on my part as his mom.and a human being to put that level of misery and generational trauma on someone else. I don't want this life for me. I don't want it for me either. I deserve better and deserve happiness. So does my spouse. But if he gets even an inkling of my pain, it crumbles him and devastates him and the level.of trauma dumping he does on me is insane. Its so so so hard not to let it get to me.
Not sure if anyone has a magic pill, maybe I just needed to vent some pain, but this is just so hard and I want to badly to change it.
Comments
The lame man walking
I’m so sorry Off the Roller. This sounds like your husband has sunk deep into depression and/or anxiety. It’s insanely upsetting for the partner. You mention you’ve tried to work together with him and he’s unresponsive.
My ex was also practically bedridden by the end of our marriage. Filled with shame presumably, feeling hopeless.
It wasn’t with pleasure I found out our divorce brought him out of this rut. But it was a fact. Two years after divorce he’s increased his part time work, from maximum 50% for half a decade, to pushing 80, 90%. From not being able to take care of children alone for a weekend the last married years, he now has them 50% and there are no signs they lack anything vital.
It’s easy to feel responsible for a spouse in declining mental health and seemingly unable to support themselves. But I learned the hard way not to mistake one’s hard-earned resources for valued support. If he’s miserable in the relationship, he might never rise from that bed no matter how bad it gets. And ADHD inertia might effectively prevent him from taking any first step toward the change you both need. Please don’t wait for him to do something here. You’re miserable and he doesn’t seem able to change that.
Please consider he may be a lame man walking, as soon as you break out of the status quo. Then, you wouldn’t want to have prolonged this unnecessarily. I’m sure everyone here wants you out unharmed, as do I.
I do...but what next?
Yeah I'd love to escape this unharmed but we both know that probably won't happen. It's just a big Choose-your-hard game, isn't it?
I actually want to choose the hard thatbrequires the work but I have no idea how to choose it. Its like my spouse has this spidey sense that when I've hit what feels like a breaking point, he has this knack of actually accomplishing or completing or even addressing a particular task or logistic or topic (nothing too intimate bc we stopped talking about anything hard bc it stress him out) and all the sudden he's present and engaged and all that.... but then houdinis out 20-40 min later. I believe that's what is referred to as: breadcrumbing
But that next step...man, its hard. I don't know what it is, how to choose it, or anything really. It just sits there like a big ugly ogre that gets bigger but my brain says if I just yell at the ogre once, I'll see that it's not so big or ugly...its normal sized and it wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.
Any thoughts?? Eveeytime I feel like I've hit my bottom line or breaking point, I seem to just keep going.
Is your husband currently
Is your husband currently receiving any kind of treatment for his ADHD? If not, I think you have an opening to not "just leave" but to offer the choice to pursue treatment or pursue life on his own apart from you.
isn't it ironic?
It's incredible the amount of support he's now created for himself...all while our marriage crashes and burns. I guess though, I need to be a bit kinder to myself and him - it's not like I'm pursuing him about our marriage repeatedly. I've just kinda sunk into a pattern of telling myself it won't matter anyways so what's the point...then being mad at myself for not saying anything.
But the irony of your question is that he is currently seeing one of the best psychiatrists in the county (probably country as well) - who was on a friggin TV show here helping a prominent public figure through their depression/adhd treament that was on public display. And when I asked my spouse if he could just talk to the Dr and tell h im what's going on.... my husband's response was 'he's not that kind of Dr'. Yet I watched the TV show with my own eyes and the Dr looks kind, considerate and more.
Then, he also sees a therapist. Got a NEW one that he likes that's 40 min drive away and is ADHD specific. He got this one after one of his closest friends wrote him a threatening letter to try to jump start him to get his s**t together. And after I confirmed that I didn't think there was anything incorrect in the letter, my spouse calmed down, stated that he needed to take care of himself first and then he will address our marriage.... only that was 8+ weeks ago and I'm left hanging...again.
It just boggles my mind how my spouse is actually getting treatment, yet isn't getting better in my opinion. However, if I wasn't married to it and forced to be the bear the brunt of all this (and yes, it coudl be argued that what I'm doing is a CHOICE but for the moment, I can't keep being this mean to myself), I might be looking from the outside in and be like 'go you, you keep going'. The problem is that he does need to look after himself but a majority of his decisions, actions, reactions, etc are at the EXPENSE of our marriage. Because they require someone like me to do the work and he continues to underfunction.
I think I know deep down that one of the other posters is correct - if I was to change the status quo, he will probably thrive. And I can't figure out if that upsets me, motivates me or in a weird twist of something I can't name... could I be keeping the status quo bc it's fulfilling to me to have something to give out about and I will break finally if I see him actually do the things when I'm not around???
also medication
oh, also he does take medication, seems to have found one that he likes...however like I said before, I see or experience no positive things in regards to our home life. To me, he's not better. He's gotten worse. But I have seen him even worse before and he hit rock bottom so I guess the medicine is working?
The work takes two
If one is attached emotionally to the partner, has invested heavily in them, and one is also willing and able to do the work, it doesn’t make sense to give up on the relationship, does it?
Only one partner putting in effort isn’t enough to turn a destructive marriage around. I need to this day to convince myself there’s no future to the love I feel for my ex. It’s homeless, because a relationship with him is hopeless. But since I have the motivation, the muscle power and imagination to salvage it, deep down I can’t believe it’s lost.
This conviction of mine hasn’t done me a lot of good. It’s been terrible for my health and quality of life.
It’s a result of me not being able to grasp the reality of his mind, at all, no matter how much time I spend turning this over. For him, there were no openings. He exhausted himself trying to please me, but felt nothing he did ever improved anything. He gave up, long ago.
It sounds so much like your partner has also given up. He defends himself in bed, having retreated as far as he can. From there, there are few escape routes for a person with inertia. It’s hard to see why anyone would prefer to stay there, breadcrumbing to keep the status quo, but evidently that’s what they seem to do.
Ive suggested before you leave home for a few days or a week, just to gain perspective. Could that do anything for you?
Speaking to a GP about your concerns, could that help?
Talking to a divorce lawyer, to map out an escape route, could that be something?
Ive been adviced in other areas of life to seek out solutions as if I’d use them. It’s been useful. You’re under no obligation to go through with separation or divorce for testing the waters.
Diagnosis and treatment (both medical and therapeutic) of ADHD, like couples therapy, I believe is something he must want for himself, or it will never happen. We had all of that, excellent professional support, but it didn’t help.
exhastion
Yeah I hear you Swedish. The key word is: exhastion. My spouse just exhasts himself every day for everyone else. He'd also say for me but in my opinion, I've not benefited from his people pleasing tendencies and have found that the very essence of daily life and being married to him has been utterly exhasting for me as I'm left bearing the lion's share of all the daily life c**p that does indeed need to get done somehow, someway.
I drop balls left right and centre every day. Haven't cleaned or vacuumed the house in weeks because there just isn't time and I know when I get to the edge of the cliff, pushing myself more will not help, it will send me over. I was listening to the recent Mel Robbins podcast on caregiving/self-care and it was spot on. Really hard to listen to as well.
I think I'm just at the point that I'm looking at my spouse, I've got my toes at the edge of the cliff, and I need to know if he's in or out. Either way, then I know I can jump or step back from the cliff. And I truly know that no matter what he says/does, I will be ok. That took me a while to understand but I know it. But now I want to take the path that needs to be taken. I hear you on the tips but I can't understand in myself why I can't bring myself just to even ask a question of 'do you want to be with me? yes or no' or 'we aren't ok, I can't do this anymore, please can we get help'.
And then I berate myself for days/hours/etc for not saying something when it's never a good time or whatever. But then usually proper hard s**t happens and then I REALLY can't bring it up... and I lose my nerve.
If I'm truly honest, I feel like a coward every day. And every day my son watches this and I get further down the train wreckage and I don't know when it's the point of no return. Could have possibly already happened (but I don't know bc I don't push for anything or ask anything or say something)
No coward
I ache for you. And you certainly don’t seem like a coward. Something makes it hard for you to voice your concerns to your partner, but whatever that is, it can’t be lack of courage?
Lack of trust, maybe? Because if he were anything resembling a good partner, you would be able to tell him you’re unhappy with the status quo.
For me, ADD rage was frightening. And towards the end I could set it off by accident, because his defensive behavior could kick in at anything reminding him of
his diagnosis
Since little in our life was left that wasn’t in some way associated with these themes, rage could be sparked by any comment, at any time.
But it took me years to realize I was afraid.
I agree it’s incredible that an ADHD person can have all this therapy and medical treatment and still none of it addresses how the spouse copes, or the fact there’s a kind of parasitism going on, the spouse being sucked dry overcompensating for ADHD dysfunction.
I found nothing at all improved for me during my ex’s 18 months of treatment, also by high-profile ADHD specialists of three different professions.
Off the Roller, I wish I could do something practical to help. It’s so painful to hear about your situation.