Forum topic: Support for person on receiving end of RSD/DESR

I’m finding it really hard to access joy in our relationship right now. The RSD and DESR patterns are so constant that I feel like I’m policing what I say and do every day, and it leaves me feeling like I can’t fully be myself.

I’ve been searching for support groups (other than Melissa's non-ADHD group which I have participated in) or guides, something that helps partners like me stay supportive without getting pulled into the cycle of RSD/DESR shame, anger, and exhaustion, but I haven’t found much that feels practical.

Here’s what I’m navigating on a weekly basis:

• Feedback often lands as blame, even if I phrase it gently.

• He sometimes flips things back on me (“you’re dysregulated”), which makes me second-guess myself.

• Denies saying things that were clearly said. It doesn’t feel like lying, more like avoiding shame.

• Gets hurt or defensive when the kids or I don’t want to hang out when he wants to (interprets it as rejection). But when we want to and it's not in his "now" bin, he gruffly and curtly tells us he's busy and we just have to accept it.

• Eats impulsively when dysregulated, including the kids’ food. We’ve had to hide food from him.

• Gets irritable instead of processing emotions, often says, “I’m a very emotional person,” but struggles to reflect on his own or others’ feelings.

• Over-focuses on a single word/phrase that lands as shame and loses the rest of the message.

• Words like “mental load,” “cognitive load,” or even “emotion” trigger visible rejection (head shaking, bracing).

• Tells me I talk too much when he’s triggered, but his ADHD also makes him loop/repeat explanations until he feels “done.” If I acknowledge or interrupt, he says, “I’m not finished, I have every right to say what I have to say,” which leaves me feeling trapped.

• Sometimes hears a suggestion as “parenting” and pushes back with “I need freedom, don’t parent me.”

• Sleep dysregulation (untreated sleep apnea, long naps, late nights) compounds the emotional regulation challenges.

Add to this, I'm realizing all of this collides with my CPTSD.

• When he tells me I’m dysregulated usually when he's dysregulated and I'm setting boundaries and sharing observations, my trauma brain immediately doubts itself, I spiral into questioning my own reality.

• His defensiveness around shame feels gaslight-y to my system, even though I know it’s not intentional.

• Constantly reframing and tiptoeing around his RSD is draining; I feel like I’m carrying both my prefrontal cortex and his.

• The resentment builds, and I feel unseen which taps straight into old wounds of not being believed or cared for as I needed.

I want to protect myself from emotional exhaustion, and I’m working on boundaries that honor both of us. But without him pursuing therapy or medication, I feel like my joy in the relationship has eroded.

Are there books, seminars, or even YouTube resources geared specifically toward partners who live with the fallout of RSD/DESR? I need practical tools for holding my own ground while staying connected, instead of drowning in the cycle. 

I want to look at him and see joy not exhaustion. I want to rebuild our intimacy.

Side question, do people outside of partners and family see the RSD/DESR? I'm so curious to know if others receive it, like does him mom see it? Does hi colleagues? My gut says no.