If you’ve spent two decades watching your social and other life crumble because of your spouse’s ADHD, how do you then let go of your people pleasing?
For me, being kind and generous got out of hand. I was terrified of social rejection during the marriage, since my husband’s condition had isolated us. For safety, I accepted that people didn’t reciprocate. I complied with other people’s wishes and needs. I also lost all ability to ask for help (I was so exhausted, the thought of favor debt made me panic).
As a result, I now have resentment and feel abandoned by my family of origin. They let me do all the heavy lifting between us while in a marriage with a severely ill husband and three small children, while they were all single, comfortable adults. After divorce, I’ve had zero support from some of them. They are probably neurodivergent, which explains it, but doesn’t make me less alone.
Then there’s work that sucks the marrow out of me many if not most days. There are highly emotional clients, high stakes, and life or death situations. Regrettably, people pleasing coupled with heavy responsibilities would be the best description of my work. At this point, I rely mostly on work for self-esteem, so changing it isn’t easy.
I’ve been reading about how to end people pleasing. Still there’s something I don’t get. I prioritize friends and meaningful activities. It’s good, but it doesn’t take away the massive losses of the past, insatiable needs around me, an inner voice demanding more every day, the grieving over family, the demands at work. The feeling less than.
How come, though there are accomplishments, I feel fundamentally failed, unimportant and sad?
Any thoughts would be welcome.
Comments
You just described my life...
I felt your every word deep inside me...I could write a book, but, I will spare you...I've known I'm an HSP, for a long time...But, I'm thinking it's more...I'm probably an Empath...
I was forced into adulthood early because of a working abandoned Mother, and two distracted minded brothers...I ran interference...On my job for 38 years, I ran interference, took own every project no would wanted...I got use to my boss, calling me in and loading me up...(So it would get done)...I still do anything I can to help others...But, I freak out when someone attempts to do anything for me...I know this, and I'm working on it as well...
Just today I did another project for my friend, I removed the old bad springs from a antique chair cleaned it up, built a solid bottom and added layers of memory foam...She asked about paying me and I freaked out... LOL...She said you must let me help you then! I told her I would...She has and does...She has no clue how much she has encouraged my heart since the divorce...
Swedish Coast you are an amazing person, highly intelligent and very caring...I don't know how to help you (or me) with our self esteem, or to push past people pleasing....Maybe I have it confused w/ just loving and being a good neighbor to all...
Thank you C
Your presence is the best comfort.
My psychologist now says I have complex PTSD from the marriage and extended family neurodivergence. I don’t know if that would apply to you - I certainly hope not - but perhaps it describes some of what we’ve been through.
The cure for this is not googling it, as I’d be prone to, but to do simple things for oneself.
Doing amazing things (the chair!) and expecting nothing in return is Christian and generally admirable, but I’d love to see you truly value yourself. From outside, it’s easy to.
Sweedish and C, the ways you
Sweedish and C, the ways you interact and comment on here, where there’s really very little people pleasing to be achieved, suggests to me how essentially good you are at core. It feels like comradeship and without any side or shade. It’s so much easier to do what i tend to do - rant in fury and resentment - even though I’m pretty sure by now ADHD was probably only about a third of what was going on with my ex.
as for being solid in your own sense of yourself, your accomplishments etc; I have struggled with self loathing for most of my life. I put it down to narcissistic parenting and - not by parents - sexual abuse and sexual assault.
I thought that achievements would fill that void and make me feel good about myself. So I have an Oxbridge education, I have an MA, a PhD, I have published widely and successfully. None of that helped. I still loathed myself- more intensely, if anything.
Working on identifying what I wanted, rather than trying to work out what might make other people think well of me, and going for that - that began to help.
First of all, though, I had to learn that it was okay for me to want. To have needs. Maybe that’s where to start.
Honestly, thank you
So sorry to hear about narcissism and abuse in your past.
It breaks my heart that you did all that, all those academic achievements, sad inside and hoped it would help.
I wonder how much of what we do is just to be accepted.
You’re welcome to rant as much as you want. But you don’t come across as negative. I associate you with wisdom.
Had another thought about not asking for help
The not accepting help, I think it’s a mechanism of integrity. It’s ultimately destructive, but it has a solid reason at least.
Not asking help from subtly hostile in-laws is a way of keeping independent. Not asking uninterested neurodivergent siblings to help with the children is a way of keeping socializing with them light. Not burdening friends is more elegant than requesting their precious time. Not fighting with your depressed dysfunctional partner for equality every time is perhaps gracious, or at least realistic.
Then, you look at your life, the gifts you give out to others, the non-reciprocated efforts you make, and conclude you are a less worthy human being than about everyone else.
Neurodiverse relatives and partners can be a mind trap.
Swedish Coast & Honestly
I love that this subject (people pleasing, self esteem etc.) come up...I needed to hear what you two had to say about it, and your own life experience's...Some times (even as aware as I think I am, and want to be) it's good to consider all aspects of of how we do life...I might not gain much ground, but, it's a hundred present guarantee that positive change want ever happen if I stick my head in the sand, about any issue...
The self esteem part (if I'm honest w/myself) is what has been holding me back from interacting more...I just clung to the first safe person I come across...And she has become a great friend, but, she only wants to be friends, and has told me to go be more social, go be around other women she says! (fear!!)...She said that she don't want me to miss any good thing that she doesn't have to offer...I am working on it mentally...I've decided to attempt to meet and make other lady friends, if, I meet anyone who I feel comfortable around, and sense any mutual attraction...When I'm shopping at home goods or the grocery store etc...I have started noticing the women and looking at their hands to see if they are married...lol...Therapy! lol...I had my annual physical today the lady at the front desk appeals to me, but, I could not tell if that big ring was a wedding ring or something else...LOL...Usually the one's I feel I could talk to are married...:(...lol...The main reason I have been reluctant is my feelings for my friend...But, I've come to accept her feelings of staying single, and to be honest, I am leaning more to staying single myself...I probably want marry again...After 43 years and two tries, maybe just an occasional date and having good friends is enough for me also...I have some on fb and instagram that have let me know, if I just reach out, they are ready...But, no one I'm excited about...And I never want to hurt or mislead any one...
I have a servants heart, but, I need to separate what that looks like, from insecurities and people pleasing...You ladies have encouraged me to work on it...:)
(I have many good qualities and I am a safe person who is desirable0...That is hard for me to say, seems prideful....Bear w/ me! lol...
I'm really starting to see the damage that 17 years of dysfunction and not being loved has caused me...But, by God's grace, I will get it in my rear view!
Thank you both! :)
c
Dating seems terrifying
C, I’m with you. Reluctantly, I realize at some point one has to date if one can’t get used to living alone. Dating is the ultimate horror at this point. I can’t stand the thought of rejection. Neither to invest my soul into a relationship and again end up emotionally and physically shipwrecked.
C, I think you can afford to be a little boastful. A sense of self-worth is a minimum floating device in the shark-infested waters of modern dating, so I’ve been told. Perhaps even a bit of pride can help us not to surrender to a warped relationship again.
Best of luck.
Dating
I really feel this, Swedish. It has been years for me and I'm not sure I can date. There are so many reasons, likely the first of them being that I still feel depleted by the marriage... and I don't feel like I've refilled myself enough to have energy to invest in another person. I'm not sure I'll ever have it in me again. It's also sad to me that I see relationships as depleting now.
I'm afraid of dating at my age. Afraid I'll never find a(nother) deep love at this age - despite it all, I did love him dearly. I'm afraid of someone else's baggage at this age and of saddling another person with MY baggage. I'm afraid of ever sharing a space with someone again - ADHD made that SO hard. I'm afraid to trust my own judgment because I was so sure about marrying my husband and ADHD hyperfocus masked a lot that only came to light later. I also never want to take care of another adult again.
But I know I'm keeping myself from all the good things about relationships that I used to really enjoy. I'm gun shy. The bad was so bad, it doesn't feel worth the risk. I'm not sure if I can overcome it but I know part of me wants to. I don't hate being alone - I'm relishing a lot about it - but I do sometimes crave that connection. I just don't know! If you traverse dating, I'll be interested to hear about it, Swedish!
Good luck to both of you, Swedish and C! It's comforting to be in this together.
Melody
This is exactly it, every word you wrote is true here as well.
The neurodivergent family of origin is another insecurity of mine. I was taught by now deceased family members to have some boundaries, though they approved of my ex in the early days. But no adults in my present family have standards for relations I can comprehend. They all frighten me. Noone understood my predicament in the marriage or offered healthy advice. They’re aloof after divorce. I certainly can’t trust any of them to help me gauge a presumtive partner, nor to support me should I again get into a destructive relationship.
I try to remember ageism and sexism say nothing about my current worth as a human being. But I was more confident looking for love at 26.
Thank you Melody for your company. I really appreciate it.
Swedish
I hear you. My family doesn't understand either. I think it's hard for people who don't see the impact of the ADHD dysfunction on daily life to comprehend what we went through. My family seems very eager for me to date, but they see coupledom as the default/only option. I know a lot of them are wondering why I don't just go find someone as if that's the only key to happiness. I'm actually getting really tired of people suggesting I "just have to find another man" or that I should "go out and have fun," (as in date) etc.
I agree that like you, I was confident and full of optimism looking for love in my 20s. Maybe those fierce girls are still in us somewhere, Swedish! LOL
Melody - going out and having fun
How tiresome with a family of default couplehood belief.
Going out is something I’ve recently started doing. Not to night clubs or anything. I take myself out to tiny adventures like going to museums alone and having lunch out. It’s not even enjoyable all the time and sometimes I’m sad. But it’s practice. I walk myself like a small dog on a leash, tending to my own needs and impulses. It’s unfamiliar (having focused on the family’s needs). I try things out like I’ve never done them before.
A couple of days ago, a friend took me to standup comedy night. It was comforting. I decided not to take exaggerated responsibility for the general audience response and just laughed at jokes I actually liked. There was an unfamiliar crowd. Sharing glances and laughs with them was comforting too.
Next step is late live music/dinner events. Earlier this fall, I backed out of such a night with a woman friend because it felt like too much. But I’m getting there. Sharing something with a crowd is nice after all those quiet nights in an empty house.
Melody, I have no idea if you’re already much more advanced in this than I am, but I’m so interested in these baby steps. I have to recommend going out, even though dating might be off the table. Hope I don’t annoy you!
Whoops sorry, I do go out,
Whoops sorry, I do go out, but my family means "go out and have fun" with men. lol
I do weekly things with a bunch of other women, meet friends for coffee and dinner, take walks multiple times per week, etc. I quite enjoy it all and I'm not sure I need to be in a relationship again. I'm glad we're having this conversation because it is making me think more about it than I have in a while and evaluate again if it's something I want to pursue anytime soon.
I'm so glad you're getting out, Swedish! I'd say it's more than baby steps you're taking!
Melody
In our sweet time, perhaps we’ll date!
I’m glad you’re doing well.