If you’ve spent two decades watching your social and other life crumble because of your spouse’s ADHD, how do you then let go of your people pleasing?
For me, being kind and generous got out of hand. I was terrified of social rejection during the marriage, since my husband’s condition had isolated us. For safety, I accepted that people didn’t reciprocate. I complied with other people’s wishes and needs. I also lost all ability to ask for help (I was so exhausted, the thought of favor debt made me panic).
As a result, I now have resentment and feel abandoned by my family of origin. They let me do all the heavy lifting between us while in a marriage with a severely ill husband and three small children, while they were all single, comfortable adults. After divorce, I’ve had zero support from some of them. They are probably neurodivergent, which explains it, but doesn’t make me less alone.
Then there’s work that sucks the marrow out of me many if not most days. There are highly emotional clients, high stakes, and life or death situations. Regrettably, people pleasing coupled with heavy responsibilities would be the best description of my work. At this point, I rely mostly on work for self-esteem, so changing it isn’t easy.
I’ve been reading about how to end people pleasing. Still there’s something I don’t get. I prioritize friends and meaningful activities. It’s good, but it doesn’t take away the massive losses of the past, insatiable needs around me, an inner voice demanding more every day, the grieving over family, the demands at work. The feeling less than.
How come, though there are accomplishments, I feel fundamentally failed, unimportant and sad?
Any thoughts would be welcome.
