Me (non ADHD) and my wife (ADHD) have been together for over 20 years. She always suffered with various mental health issues but was given an ADHD diagnosis a couple of years ago. For 18 years I always felt like I was the centre of her world. I felt appreciated, loved and wanted. In the last couple of years I have gone from hero to villain. Now it seems like everything I do irritates her. Like she has a constant grudge against me for the smallest of things. I am not perfect but I do a lot to be a good father, good husband and have done countless things to try and re-ignite the spark. From getting her a personal song made, organising date nights, leaving little notes around the house with reasons why i love her. All of these things have fallen on deaf ears. Now she only remembers the negative things, never the positives. In a recent argument all she could recall was when I complained about a delivery driver who couldn't find our address. It was a minor thing for me and I had forgotten about it but to her she remembered it weeks later and it became a symbol of "how I moan". None of the nice things I had done for her had stuck in her memory, only this it seems.
Today she even said straight out that she doesn't enjoy spending time with me. Yet she doesn't want to talk it through, just bury her head in the sand. Its one thing being told you are not pleasurable to spend time with, its another thing being told all hope is lost and there is nothing you can do about it.
I feel like she has written us off completely no matter what I do. To be honest I don't even know why she is still here if I annoy her that much? She prefers to spend time with her girlfriends over me anyway.
I am wondering if I am missing anything here? Should I be doing anything different? Can I do anything else?
I am at a point where I just want to be loved again. I want it to be with my wife but if not then I can't continue living like this when there may be another life for me and perhaps a better one for my wife too if she is this unhappy with me. We have an 8 year old daughter whom I love more than anything in the world and the thought of not being with her every night is heartbreaking.
Has anyone ever got their ADHD partner to value you again? To love you again? Or at least to stop seemingly hating you? I would love to know what approach to take before I have to call it a day.
Comments
Can you do anything else?
From my experience only, yes, there's many things you can do...the only thing you can"t do is control another person. Doing things for that reason only simply doesn't work.
They turned away
No, my ADD ex didn’t take their diagnosis well and the 20 year relationship ended 18 months later.
In our case I think it boiled down to shame. They felt ashamed for years for letting me down in different ways. When they found out they were neurodivergent and entitled to support, they were instead disappointed they didn’t get enough support from me. Well they’d already depleted anything there was. I was beyond exhausted. They were probably sick of feeling guilty.
They didn’t work to repair and save the marriage after that, they burrowed in their bed with their devices and didn’t communicate. They left it to me to end the marriage since they lacked momentum, but they had evidently given up on us.
I’m sorry she’s being avoidant and won’t talk to you. If I could suggest anything, it would be to conserve your energy for what benefits you and your daughter. You cannot make your wife work with you, and you could exhaust yourself single-handedly trying to repair the relationship.
I hate this for you...Been there....
I suggest you work on your own peace of mind...Accept that you have and will continue to live lovingly toward her, but you must not allow your mind and emotions to hinge on seeking a certain result from her (forfeit your peace)...If she want talk to you after 20 years of being invested in you guy's marriage, see it for what it really is, and ADHD has nothing to do with it...My ADD wife moved further and further away until she lived in the guest room the last 5 years, (a conscience act) and took no ownership of her life as a wife...(Had nothing to do w/ ADD)...Their adults, your wife like mine was, is well aware that she has quit on the marriage...That is why they want communicate...She has nothing to say that she isn't showing you now...Who wants to talk about quitting when you are already living it?? Be wise, be at peace...Like J said, we can only control our own actions...
c
This Sounds So Familiar
Since I just went through it.