Forum topic: Conversations in his head

And my ADD ex partner was actually angry and disappointed at me for not having heard him. 

Sadly. I loved him dearly, but the ADD has ruined it.

With my ex, I would find myself facing consequences of ‘decisions we’d made’ that I had been completely unaware of. On one occasion this involved him cancelling a lovely hotel so we could go stay with his ex girlfriend instead. Apparently we’d agreed this. I would never have agreed this; not in a million years. I ended up changing beds and making conversation with a woman I disliked rather than relaxing in a hotel. With him I thought of it as convenience rather than actually believing we had had the conversation. He preferred to stay with her and so that was what he decided would happen. 

During divorce, my ADD ex was deceitful and hurtful, explaining he hadn’t valued our years together, and that he was happy to get rid of me. It was hard to hear since I’d been his caregiver for years, supporting him financially and carrying the family responsibilities alone. 

Then, a year later with no attempts from him whatsoever to make peace, he apparently told my mother he had conversations with me in his head every day. He was mulling about how things had gone wrong, and wanted to make amends. But he never reached out to me with a single word of all those internal conversations. They were all in his head. 

Perhaps ADHDers think they do communicate when having private thoughts. It’s also very possible the outcome for their partner in these scenarios is in no way intended. 

I think as long as I could still believe my ex didn’t want to hurt me, it was all bearable. But once I lost that faith, I plummeted. He’d probably say today if somebody asked him, that he never wanted anything but good things to happen to me. Still, being married to him has made me lose confidence, health, social circles, and finally seems to have given me cPTSD. 

Not saying you’re in for the same. Just trying to point out how hard it can be when one’s not lucky with one’s partners symptoms. 

It sounds like you don’t share reality with him, and that leads to conflict. You’re looking for ways to avoid the conflict? It also makes you feel like you’re losing your mind? 

I’m certainly no expert, but it seems safer to me to be honest about the discrepancy. Yes, there will be open conflict. But if you hide the conflict, you are suddenly no longer participating on your own terms, and you’ll allow him to cross your emotional boundaries without even knowing it. 

Being very clear about where you stand and your reality is putting the relationship to the test. And whether differences are reconcilable or not, you’ll find out sooner than later. This I imagine is a good thing. There are therapeutic options offered by Melissa if you need to have such  conversations with your partner in an expert context. 

However loving and resourceful you are, you can’t make a good relationship on your own. He needs to respect your reality and accommodate your needs as well, or you won’t be happy. 

Best of luck. 

 

My husband and I used to fight about this all the time. Now, it's less often. Because of my own issues with long covid and anti-depressants, I have little short term memory. And my husband has constant running conversations in his head with me, co-workers, parents, etc... I am new to this group and am overjoyed to read about others struggles. Not in a mean way! But to see that there is hope. And ideas for coping. One that I am using for these "conversations" is to take notes (verbal or manual utilizing notes apps) when we are making plans, discussing schedules, having financial discussions, or anything else that I don't want to forget. It helps me to remember, and it helps him to realize that not everything was said out loud. He didn't like it at first, but found out that it cut down on some of the arguments. 

Hey Groot! What do you think about you and your hubby taking a few quick notes on your conversations for a couple of weeks to see if that works. E.G. -talked about the wedding this weekend, -leaving at 6, -husband picking up suit at dry cleaners Wednesday.

Just something simple that reminds you both what you've discussed so when he has these moments where he thinks you've had a conversation about something, he can see that you haven't without the need for an argument. It also might show him that there is a pattern of this happening so maybe he'll argue less with you and simply believe you when you say something was never discussed. 

I find one of the most exasperating things with my ADD ex his avoidance of keeping promises. He would agree to something, then act as if that agreement was never made. He’s highly intelligent, though his judgment seemingly clouded with years of mental illness. Though I used to grudgingly accept his flakiness as an ADD symptom, I now see him as a person lying to avoid binding commitments. Possibly because an ADD mind knows itself and that they won’t want to follow through on promises later on. But they make promises to make the present more peaceful.

The breaking of promises that preceded our divorce was unacceptable. I’ve suffered severely from it and no longer care what reasons my ex had for his deceit.

In fact, I’d strongly advise against making any agreements with a person who refuses to sign them. It may look like the person takes offense that you don’t trust them. In reality, it shows the person knows you should not trust them. 

For your posts.  I’ve long believed my ADHD spouse was both having conversations in her head and confusing issues with with her exes ( she’d told me about) for issues with me.  What I did at the time was gently but firmly advise her “that” conversation never occurred with me, and ask her if perhaps she’d rehearsed it to have with me and would like to give me more detail and context so I could respond.  As for the other confusion, I was very lucky to know who she was actually confusing me with and point out, not me but “X”, right?  Back then she registered confusion but didn’t become defensive.  I appreciate your posts—I’d noted this phenomenon but never associated it with her ADHD previously.