Annoyed, frustrated, and looking for support
My fiance is living with ADHD and it is currently untreated and they also deal with substance use disorder. I live with bipolar disorder and I deal with my own mental health struggles. It is so difficult to deal with his constant meltdowns, fits of yelling, and inability to manage tasks of daily living. I need support. A group, a place, or some people who know and understand the struggle of living with someone who does not take their mental health seriously. I go to therapy, go to yoga, see a chiropractor, acupuncturist, psychiatrist, endocrinologist, attend school full time, and have my own struggles.
My fiance neglects to go to even a simple doctors appointment because of medical anxiety. I love him, but I don’t know if I should go through with getting married to someone who is unstable themselves and can risk my own stability. I have been stable for over two years now. So I am wondering if this is something I should really consider. He has trouble managing his finances, gets utilities turned off, and prioritizes the wrong things.
I started reading the book “Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage” and it gives me hope. However, the daily ups and downs and inside out wears me thin. I get angry and react to his instability which causes me a lot of grief and upheaval. I am not a sensitive person upon first examination, but I am contemplative and deep and considerate underneath my exterior. I just feel so conflicted.
What makes me even more upset is that he has started in on me for my responses to his symptoms. I tell him he needs to go to therapy, and he doesn’t listen. I tell him he needs to stop using substances and it is the same. He then tells me that I need to go to anger management and labels me with various diagnosis that fits his narrative of the moment. I am exhausted.
He is currently living with me because he cannot stay at his apartment, because the power was turned off because he didn’t notice he was paying the bill. This has been hell. I hate it. He leaves his stuff everywhere, is inconsiderate about the things I share with him that are my preferences, and he constantly is complaining about something.
I just needed a space to vent where hopefully someone will understand and be able to relate and/or even just give feedback. I am not perfect, and I love him. I just feel like this is hopeless and he is never going to change and like he wants to shirk all the responsibility on to me. For everything. I have resolved that I am going to focus on myself and withdraw my emotional, mental, and other resources from the relationship.
The truth is I need a break. I need like 3 months away from him to recalibrate and find my center once again. We get married in 7 months though.
Comments
Please listen to your gut
I can't recommend highly enough that you don't marry him. He isn't doing anything to address his ADHD or substance abuse and he is making his issues all your problem when you have enough to carry. It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but I promise it's a blessing to figure this out before you get married. He is showing you exactly who he is... please believe him. Your gut is screaming at you right now not to go through with the marriage... and for good reason. That voice is trying to save you. This would be your life forever and it actually could get worse as he ages and gets more comfortable. His unpaid bill is HIS problem that HE created. This is YOUR HOME and you have the right to take it back whether you break the engagement and tell him he needs to leave, give him a week to pay the electricity bill and go home or change the locks/call law enforcement if he won't go.
If he is at all erratic or abusive or has the potential to be, please don't do this alone and take any steps safely with the support of services in your area.
hear yourself.
You are ‘worn thin’ and ‘exhausted’. You have been in ‘hell’ just living together. It has caused you to withdraw from him emotionally. Would you advise a friend to marry in these circumstances? You’re at the start of your life together; you should be happy and passionate and excited by each other. If it’s this bad now, how utterly miserably benightedly horrible do you think it will be when you are legally bound together- finances, healthcare, responsibilities, children maybe; the works? I’d be cancelling the venue and the flowers, and dropping him back at his cold flat to sort his own life out, then concentrating on my education and my wellbeing for a while, if i were you.
I agree
You just received excellent advice from two people whose judgment I trust.
Retrieve your living space. Free yourself from exploitation.
The Pattern, bipolADHD
I can only confirm what others have said by adding one solid bit of evidence having just experienced something similar. It's the pattern itself in the big picture.
--some reason he can't go to therapy --- "medical anxiety". I don't know enough clinical jargon to say that's not a technical term, but as I translate it for myself I hear, "I'm afraid of doctors " I'm not going to criticize or judge anyone who struggles with fears and anxieties but objectively speaking, that's kind of like a note from your mom to the teacher saying "Billy can't do PE because today because he sweats so much."
It really doesn't matter what the excuse is, but the bottom line ....it keeps him from going period ( red flag )
My former SO, pitched a fit and threatened if I don't stop suggesting therapy, I'd be out in the street.
Different method...but the result are the same
--Instability.....all the usual ADHD symptoms can be managed: paying on time, logistics , organization....those are all fixable or vast improvements with some dedicated effort.
But that's not the kind of Instability it sounds you're up against.
"However, the daily ups and downs and inside out wears me thin. I get angry and react to his instability which causes me a lot of grief and upheaval."
So you experience upheaval and grief when you react and get angry to his instability which wears you thin.
Wears you thin = nervous system already feeling the effects of constantly being on edge and your coping mechanisms are getting burn out ( wearing thin ) I hear you. Thats exactly what happened with me...but it only got worse.
Here's a big pattern marker***
"What makes me even more upset is that he has started in on me for my responses to his symptoms. I tell him he needs to go to therapy, and he doesn’t listen. I tell him he needs to stop using substances and it is the same. He then tells me that I need to go to anger management and labels me with various diagnosis that fits his narrative of the moment. I am exhausted."
"He then tells me that I need to go to anger management" Full stop
" and labels me with various diagnosis that fits his narrative of the moment. Full stop
I am exhausted."
Because that's what happens when you try to communicate to a person, who's doing their best to avoid any discussin or talk about the very thing you don't want to have happen, so it turnes into a ping pong match or going in circles and....
Nothing changes. It's stay the same
His instability, anger meltdowns > causes you distress > but he can't go to the doctor for help ( anxiety ) > so he accused you, because it's "your anger" that's the problem and you should go to a therapist for that.
While he sits home and does nothing while you go to the therapist for your anger???? That's a nifty trick...and it's also part of the pattern.
Just for reference, here's how it went with me. Things are great, things couldn't be better....then a shift in tone, temperament and criticism appears. After a while, I protested and asked her to please stop with the criticism. And it's not a constructive critique...it's destructive to your self esteem.
So when asked to stop, and they get angier for asking, then tell you, no its your anger, that's the problem and your too sensitive, you need a mental health professional.
That IS the pattern once more. And who is going to the therapist again??? Mmmmm?
I'll just skip to the end because I stuck it out to see the whole show.
His narrative says: her anger is the problem
And you're is already saying....I'm exhausted. And it's only been short while.
The one thing I can almost promise...if he doesn't go to therapy with you....you'll get more of what you already know and everytime you try, you become worse off than you are.
My nervous system is a wreck...but it's coming back slowly. The doc said Vagus Nerve Collapse...which is really something that's best to avoid for your own good.
You got out?
I’ve been wondering and worrying about you, J. It looks like you left?
She needs to go
You both need to concentrate on yourselves. Ask her to leave. This is a very unhealthy situation that cannot be fixed on an online forum. You both need professional help.