Annoyed, frustrated, and looking for support
My fiance is living with ADHD and it is currently untreated and they also deal with substance use disorder. I live with bipolar disorder and I deal with my own mental health struggles. It is so difficult to deal with his constant meltdowns, fits of yelling, and inability to manage tasks of daily living. I need support. A group, a place, or some people who know and understand the struggle of living with someone who does not take their mental health seriously. I go to therapy, go to yoga, see a chiropractor, acupuncturist, psychiatrist, endocrinologist, attend school full time, and have my own struggles.
My fiance neglects to go to even a simple doctors appointment because of medical anxiety. I love him, but I don’t know if I should go through with getting married to someone who is unstable themselves and can risk my own stability. I have been stable for over two years now. So I am wondering if this is something I should really consider. He has trouble managing his finances, gets utilities turned off, and prioritizes the wrong things.
I started reading the book “Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage” and it gives me hope. However, the daily ups and downs and inside out wears me thin. I get angry and react to his instability which causes me a lot of grief and upheaval. I am not a sensitive person upon first examination, but I am contemplative and deep and considerate underneath my exterior. I just feel so conflicted.
What makes me even more upset is that he has started in on me for my responses to his symptoms. I tell him he needs to go to therapy, and he doesn’t listen. I tell him he needs to stop using substances and it is the same. He then tells me that I need to go to anger management and labels me with various diagnosis that fits his narrative of the moment. I am exhausted.
He is currently living with me because he cannot stay at his apartment, because the power was turned off because he didn’t notice he was paying the bill. This has been hell. I hate it. He leaves his stuff everywhere, is inconsiderate about the things I share with him that are my preferences, and he constantly is complaining about something.
I just needed a space to vent where hopefully someone will understand and be able to relate and/or even just give feedback. I am not perfect, and I love him. I just feel like this is hopeless and he is never going to change and like he wants to shirk all the responsibility on to me. For everything. I have resolved that I am going to focus on myself and withdraw my emotional, mental, and other resources from the relationship.
The truth is I need a break. I need like 3 months away from him to recalibrate and find my center once again. We get married in 7 months though.
Comments
Please listen to your gut
I can't recommend highly enough that you don't marry him. He isn't doing anything to address his ADHD or substance abuse and he is making his issues all your problem when you have enough to carry. It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but I promise it's a blessing to figure this out before you get married. He is showing you exactly who he is... please believe him. Your gut is screaming at you right now not to go through with the marriage... and for good reason. That voice is trying to save you. This would be your life forever and it actually could get worse as he ages and gets more comfortable. His unpaid bill is HIS problem that HE created. This is YOUR HOME and you have the right to take it back whether you break the engagement and tell him he needs to leave, give him a week to pay the electricity bill and go home or change the locks/call law enforcement if he won't go.
If he is at all erratic or abusive or has the potential to be, please don't do this alone and take any steps safely with the support of services in your area.