It's been a long time since I've posted here, but this incident has wrecked my entire morning, and I'm too embarrassed to so much as mention it to anyone IRL for any perspective.
Warning: This is gross and embarrassing and I can't even believe I'm writing this, but here goes...
I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed last night and there was fresh (biohazard) smears on my towel. I am grateful my towel is white bc I may not have noticed otherwise until it was too late. Upon inspection, there was nothing on any of the other towels or other surfaces in the bathroom. But my husband had been the last one in the bathroom, and this is the latest of a series of similar incidents spanning months/years...
Last time was a month or two ago and it was the same thing smeared on the shower sprayer hose and shower curtain. I didn't say anything and cleaned it up myself, because, prior to that, there were several incidents of "particles" blown out all over the shower and "surprises" left under the edge of the shower curtain. (I feel sick even writing this.) When I confronted him about it, my husband got really angry AT ME and said I was just looking for stuff and he didn't do it on purpose and he is not a gross person. I didn't say he did or was. He's generally very clean and has good hygiene. He does have some bowel issues, which I understand are totally not his fault. I told him to please pay more attention. Never assume a fart in the shower is just a fart. My problem with it is, how on earth do you make that kind of mess and just leave it there?! When I asked him that in the past, he has said he just didn't notice. Which I suppose is possible. He sits or steps on things constantly bc he didn't notice they were there, breaks and ruins thing bc he isn't paying attention, etc. It's always an "accident" and he "didn't do it on purpose", and if I'm even slightly unhappy about it, he gets mad at ME.
But (biohazard) is just too much. I don't feel like I should have to clean it since he is a full grown adult, but I also don't want to deal with the reaction if I bring it to his attention, because he has not reacted well when I've brought it to his attention in the past. Yes, RSD is a major thing here.
Then, there is the weird coincidence that it was only on MY towel. If there was some major accident, shouldn't it be on something else as well? Should I be worried about my toothbrush? I don't THINK he'd do something like that, but he does a lot of things that he claims were accidents that look an awful lot like passive aggression. I feel insane and I want to cry. This has completely ruined my morning.
I feel like his ADHD symptoms are getting worse. There are a lot of random recent things that have happened that have me on edge. Most I can detach myself from and put the out of my head. This was just too much...
Comments
sorry
It’s not sexy is it?
I had to talk to my ex (ADHD, but only diagnosed after these events) about sh**t on the bedsheets, and snot on his hands and T-shirt. I found it intensely embarrassing and it cost me so much anguish to raise it with him. Then he got angry with me and blamed me (re the snot; there were ‘never any tissues’ and for some reason he couldn’t buy any, and presumably me and the kids were doing what? The sh**t he was ‘how’d you know it was me?’ well thats where you sit bareassed to put on your socks).
He’d try and do better for a bit, expect praise, and then he’d stop bothering. Sh**t on the sheets, snot on his hands and clothes.
I’m not a germphobe, but he made out like I was one.
It’s hard to fancy someone who behaves like this. I don’t know that you can. He’s behaving like a child and you should not have to clean up or tolerate it. It’s disgusting and unsafe.
But i don’t think there is necessarily any way to make things better. The only thing that had any impact on my ex was going nuclear; anything else he thought ‘wasnt important.’ So it was only when I said I wanted a divorce that he realised it mattered. By which point it wasnt fixable. I’d had enough of his sh**t.
If you still love him, want him, then you’ll need to really let him know this matters. And he still might not hear you. Or stick with anything he promises.
I'm so sorry!
Oh my gosh! Your situation definitely sounds like it was much worse. I can't even imagine it on my sheets! And the other stuff is mind boggling, as well. I am so sorry!
I don't think he's intentionally gross for the most part. Just super careless. I understand someone could have a random accident. This was just extra bc it seems the incidents have increased in severity, and I am not signing up for clean up duty to spare his feelings. However, unless I directly address it, he's not going to "notice" anything. (I literally arranged the towel on the hanger with poop smears out so he couldn't miss it while he was sitting on the toilet directly in front of it this morning. Nope. Still there when I got up. Which also reminds me that those smears were tucked into the folds when I noticed them. How did that happen???) It's not attractive, but that ship actually sailed a long time ago for many other reasons. Which is why I sometimes feel like he might actually be passive aggressive.
EAB
all in the past
for me, thank goodness. At home he was disgusting, but to important people he behaves like he’s a sophisticated man of the world. It’s crazy making.
FWIW, I think you really really really need to talk. waiting and hoping for him to notice and address his behaviour is not working.
We often say ‘parent-child dynamics’ of couples with ADHD. But if he is communicating via his excrement, this is more like an animal-owner dynamic.
Talking needs to happen.
For all I know
He probably did notice and probably thought I did it.
I mulled it over all day and ultimately decided to let it go this time. It will just cause him to get defensive and angry. I pick my battles with him very carefully to preserve my own peace these days, and it mostly works for me. He isn't aware, and that's how it happened in the first place. Me addressing it isn't going to give him any more awareness than he gained when I've addressed related issues in the past. If it had been on something that required gloves and scrubbing, I would choose the fight over cleaning it myself, but as it was, I just treated and bleached the towel.
I DID, however, carefully inspect my new clean towel last night before I took my shower and I probably will for months if not forever. New fear unlocked.
EAB