Hi, I'm new here. Recently discovered Melissa Orlov's book and it has been very enlightening. I'm married for 11 years, and my husband has (I believe, especially after reading) undiagnosed/untreated inattentive ADHD. When I broached the topic last week, after googling and realizing he has nearly all the symptoms, he was extremely dismissive, defensive. He does not want to be evaluated or speak to any professional about it. He does not have any mentor he trusts or respects or will listen to. He gets extremely sensitive and defensive any time I bring up any criticism of something he does that impacts me and/or our kids. He has verrrrryyyyy little self awareness (or at least doesn't own it , if he is aware deep down I can't know, but it's doubtful.) I realize now that these are actually typical ADHD symptoms. Whenever I have had enough and bring up a topic that is really frustrating for me, it winds up with him saying I'm too critical and I'm the issue, and I end up feeling confused and like maybe I am the issue... I'm so exhausted. I'm afraid of what he's modeling for our kids. I feel like we are cordial now, not in a close relationship. Has anyone had success helping their spouse acknowledge ADHD after they've shown so much resistance to that?
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For them it’s normal
Sorry you’re dealing with this.
I think an inattentive ADHD mind is as convinced it is normal as is a neurotypical one. And yes, it seems awareness of ADHD impact on the family is most often very low in the ADHD partner.
Convincing the unwilling ADHD partner they need to change is a fight a neurotypical partner typically can’t win. Neither is it easy to get empathy or understanding for the negative effects of ADHD for yourself.
All you can do is ask for understanding, for your husband to undertake evaluation, possible treatment and therapy. It could be important to calmly state you try to save your marriage, which is at risk.
My best advice would be to get an ADHD savvy couples therapist and try to get some help that way.
New and looking for advice
I’m currently reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage in hopes that it would confirm that I’m not crazy. My husband of 8 years has every symptom and our marriage has nearly every reaction noted in this book. One major difference, my husband has a PHD in psychology and has been practicing for 30 years. The end of every conflict ends with him telling me “you need to see someone “. It’ll never be his problem. If I suggest he has an issue he’ll say something like, Oh, so you’re a psychologist now?. I always end up walking away and after a few days we are back on a doable track. Till the next time. I did take his advice and met with our priest a few times. While that helped me to work on forgiveness, it doesn’t help the inconsistency in our relationship.
I’m likely never going to be heard by my husband.
Any ideas?
text book case.
You could so easily be describing my marriage. I left after 25 years together and my only regret is not leaving sooner.
Both kids are messed up - son by his inattentiveness, in terms of self esteem which he is building well as a young adult. Daughter in terms of what I modelled in terms of taking so much s***t and her now struggling with the same behaviour in her relationships. They are making progress, but I profoundly regret staying with him for their sake, because he did them no good at all.
BTW: that dismissiveness and defensiveness is RSD. Rejection sensitivity dysfunction. As is the 'you're too critical, you're the issue'. When you're carrying soooooooo much, adapting so much for him. It's a fluffin nightmare.