Telling ADHD spouse to leave...

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He's fighting me tooth and nail. From begging to attacking to generally being obtuse. I've tried explaining several different ways about why he needs to move out. I can no longer take the financial hits, the passive-aggressive attacks, the piles of dirty laundry, cleaning up after his plethora of pets, the trash left everywhere but in the trash can... after six years, I just can't anymore... I've told him if he gets his own place, keeps up with it all, lives within his means, and starts counseling (and between him and his doctor, if medication is recommended, he should), that I'd be willing to consider dating him again and go from there, but he keeps pushing and pushing saying he doesn't understand... how do I explain this to the ADHD brain???

Have things progressed?

Jtim24, how's it going for you?

Have you found what you can do, to improve this, somehow? Hope so!

I hope things have gotten peaceful for you....

Just read your post for the first time Jtim24....When an adult walks out into life, with no desire or ability to discipline themselves, and hold themselves accountable in all the area's you stated....Someone is going to pay!....It's like throwing a child out....But..it's the best thing that can ever happen to them....Sink or Swim...I've seen the product of enablement, from both sides...It's always destructive and dysfunctional....

I hope you stick to your convictions and not allow your peace to be destroyed....

C

Right after I posted this, I

Right after I posted this, I forced him out...

 

Just today, I told him he could move back in. After all, texts and phone calls every day blaming me for erything wrong in his life, from lost clothes due to being forced to live in a hotel, to stolen credit card information, to packages he ordered but never recieved... I felt like now, after a month, maybe he'd learned a lesson or two... I'm too optmistic... I get a text at work, "mopped floors, taking dogs to beach." Milily surprised, but I sent a "thank you, very nice of you" text back.

I get home from work, the floors were mopped, yes. The tub was blackened and gross as this is where he decided to empty out the mop bucket, but not rinse out tub. Walk into bedroom, all his dirty clothes from past month piled on bed...  he ate lunch too apparently, left the stove burner on low and dirty dishes piled in sink.

So I send a text, as he's still at Beach with dogs... mind, he's not even been home a full day yet! And I ask, did something happen? (Giving him an out, obviously...). He pulls up not 2 minutes later and I get the third degree... "nice welcome back! Gee, thanks! So glad I came home to be nagged about the tub being dirty! Guess I'll just skip the gym then, eh? Clean the tub, and sit around and get fat! You'd like that, wouldn't you? Can't even spend the day at the beach without you jumping on my back!" And he slams the door as he says all this, walking by me standing outside and into the apartment....

I'm kicking him out again tomorrow. This is utterly ridiculous. 40 year old man, and this is what I dealt with daily before kicking him out. And he wonders why I can't let him stay and hold his hand through therapy--therapy he has yet to make an appointment for all these months later when I gave that to him as an ultimatum....

 

I'm just done...

I understand you being done!

I just hope you can step back and see what those of us reading this see....It's so hard to see the reality of what is actually taking place in a relationship when there is personal feelings and emotional attachment....

Based on your post he has no clue about responsibility, considering others, and no ability or desire to not use you as his maid....He so looks at you as his Mother and care giver that any time you point out his abuse he will turn it on you...It's probably not intentional he just hasn't ever grown up (He really believes the disaster he left the house in is OK) and taken ownership of his life. Usually that goes back to a lack of discipline and teaching in his formidable years......But, anyway I continue to cheer you on!!....You sure don't deserve what he will dish out the rest of your life....I think once you get him out this time, I would block his number, you don't deserve to here his Victim guilt trips.

At least if he has to deal w/ his own crap long enough, maybe he will grow up eventually and learn some good habits, and he want be destroying your life....

Here's hoping you a Peaceful Life!

C

 

Jtim24, good for you!

I think it is very smart of you to kick him to the curb. I wish you every happiness, you deserve it!

I simply have to underscore what c said...

C ur self said that your partner hasn't (yet) developed some adult habits: if you dirty the tub, you clean it right then; if you cook, you wash up, wipe the counters, table & stove - and double check that the stove is turned off.

There's a blind spot, there. I mean, I suspect your partner doesn't see the bigger picture: piling dirty clothes on the bed (why? to sort lights from darks? to more easily pull out what's going into the washer immediately?) is most often intended as a visual prompt to move things along to the next step. But it can easily backfire, because it lengthens a process (laundry handling) that could be simpler. A conjugal bed is more than an available flat surface. So, if it temporarily turns into a laundry processing station, that use must be for a short moment - because the primary *reminder* that the bed serves, is the value we place on intimacy. That's one of the bigger picture blind spots that people - adhd, and non - can stumble over.

Even though he may not be consciously expecting you to act as "the mom," he hasn't developed his sense of "these are the

normal things adult men (and women, anyone) do". He doesn't see things, because he hasn't developed the habits most of us (adhd-ers, too) have.

 

Lending a hand to someone I suspect is adhd, he often considers that I'm "wasting time" when instead of setting things "anywhere" I bring them to where they belong. I tell him that I get overwhelmed from having so many mental reminders for later. And that later, I'll be tired, and hungry. I've told him that when he keeps working past his own feelings of hunger and fatigue, it takes him longer to finish the work, than if he'd stopped to eat, and then finished it. "I can't concentrate when I'm hungry," I say, "and I don't think you can, either, on observation." This is a man who believes he's unmarried because of not having met his perfect match... Oh well. :)

How are you, Jtim24?