I haven't posted here in years, not sure when the last time was. I'm now 14 years into my marriage to a highly ADHD man with probably other issues. PTSD perhaps from a traumatic childhood, and not a small amount of NARC.
He has pretty much all the symptoms of ADHD, though he is also a workaholic so he does get things done. Too many things, and without enough organizing attention to detail, which is often left to me. He hyper focuses on work and on his achievments and ambitions, and tends to create havoc and misery in those around him in the process. One of the worst aspects of it is his volatile irritation, anger and aggression, which lashes out all the time, even if it is in small ways, it is constant, and his extreme hyper sensitivity to perception of criticism, leading to his own immediate attacks and willingness to gaslight and manipulate me so he can seem like a victim. I think he does this mostly without awareness, though not always. I have caught him lying in order to try to get the upper hand in an argument.
Over the years he has exhausted me to the point of total burnout and despair. I have wanted to leave countless times but again circumstances are really limiting.
I was severely ill this year and nearly died. He stayed by my side and did everything possible to save my life over weeks in the hospital. Which of course I would have done for him.
I had sincerely hoped that almost losing me would somehow have shocked him into a different state of being, but of course that is really crazy thinking. It's not possible. He even lashed out at me immediately upon my return home while I was still incredibly weak and in pain.
He has no control over himself. He always ends up apologizing eventually.
If our lives were not entirely entwined, and my options so limited, I would have left years ago. As it is, we live in separate spaces on the same property. I can't live in a house with him because he will not keep it neat or clean. But we continue to work together and see each other all the time.
I have left him a few times in the sense of telling him I can't be his spouse anymore. But we are always in close proximity and he will act better for a while, enough to pull me back in. This is also the exact pattern I had with my NARC mother, who passed away 5 years ago.
So the whole relationship is triggering to me because of my mother, on top of the pain he causes me.
He goes to therapy sporadically now, and only started after an epic blow out two years ago, with an ultimatum from me. But really, I don't think his therapist is equipped to deal with the extent of his problems. Overall, there is more awareness on his part, but he still doesnt' seem to have tools to control his behavior in the moment. And that's not really of much good to me.
He is one of those people with wonderful and unique qualities who you don't want to give up on. But I also feel that he is slowly killing me. My love and attachment to him is, I suppose, the problem for me. Over the years of course it has been worn down to a frayed nub, and there are times when I actually feel a pretty solid disconnection from him and like I can survive without him.
Which is sad.
He has been leaving and taking trips to get away, and I have stayed behind to have some peace without him. Incredible how quiet and peaceful it all is when he is not here. I start to heal. But, then he comes back. He has been really acting out the past two weeks and I feel like we are backsliding again. This morning I found myself crying hysterically in the bathroom. I lost it and ended up screaming at him.
All I can say is, people with these kinds of disorders are like wrecking balls to healthy relationships. I have no hope at all that anything will change. He doesn't want medication and I understand that, I do. But in all these years he has never been able to fully take responsibility for himself. Only partly, only for a moment or a short while, and then we are back to the usual nightmare.
The programming is so deep. It's not a bug it's a feature. It's in the hardware. So .... I guess I am the one who should be in therapy to help me deal with this reality.
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