Forum:
Just a note...but there used to be a poster here that went by 'J' and he wrote a lot of posts...and I noticed he hasn't posted to the site for a while...just checking if he's here and you are ok? Or if anyone knows he's alright?
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Upcoming seminars & support groups
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. join our Intent-to-Action Membership Program.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
Register for free marriage tips here!
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
Free Treatment E-Book
Comments
I thought about him too
But don’t know anything unfortunately.
I hope he’s doing well. I think the last posts he wrote were somewhat on a brighter note?
Swedish
As far as my SO and I are doing, things are looking up there as well. For me, coming to terms that I will have to accept certain things I don't like as just part of being with her. She's not going to simply stop being her, bit I also don't have to accept her behavior if she's just getting unreasonable or "grouchy" as she puts it. Grouchy is her mood turning irritable and her tolerance level goes way down along with her patience. This, in my mind, has nothing to do with me or anything I've done ( or not done ) her tendency to kick the dog or get on a negative roll I just don't have to participate in. At all. She knows now, when I go silent or leave the room....or the other day I just said " I'm not going to talk to you right now".....means, I've had enough. If I do nothing, it just disappears and she's fine after a while. This is just one of those things. I don't get upset. I don't try and "talk about it" ...I just ignore it ( and her ) until she's not a "bitch" anymore. This is her word, not mine. I never call her a bitch, but, for argument sake, this is her assessment of herself when she's like this, and I just move on. I'm not tolerating it or even getting upset....I'm just not doing anything and pretending it didn't happen.
However, if I do this...and move on, she has begun to acknowledge she's like this and will apoligize. I just have to wait and let it go. The more I do this....the better she has become in acknowledging and returning more quickly to the less irritable version of herself.
This has created a much more stable and more doable way to get along together. Occasionally, I'll say something like: "Okay, three times is enough to hear about how how I didn't do ( ) for today...saying it any more is going past my limit". Which I said the other day. I guess that's a boundary of sorts,while not entirely saying "stop dojng that and never do it again".
So, as it sits, doung nothing is my best option....with the occasional " Okay that's enough for today" thrown in.
This reminds me a little bit of what you said you did with your kids if I recall? Telling them something like: "come talk to me when you're finished having a melt down ( or acting out ) and just not participating in the melt down what so ever. That's in essence, what I'm doing and that has made a big difference in an on going basis. Accepting she's just going to be this way at times, is just what it is. I'm okay with what I said, but I get to say something when it gets too much as well. I'm no longer taking it personally which is probably what makes the difference.
This sounds good, J
I’m glad you seem to get on more pleasantly with your SO. You sound confident.
What you wrote made me associate to divorce grief. They say, and I can emotionally relate to it, that acceptance of pain and sorrow makes grieving more manageable. Sometimes, they said, it’s not helpful to analyze pain and struggle with it verbally, but rather to let emotions run their course.
I’ve never been good at handling pain but feel a small improvement today. I’m trying to accept that my days are constantly interrupted by pain and desperate emotions, and that I almost never feel okay when not distracted.
Hi Off the Roller
Thank you so much for thinking of me. Yes, I'm fine and came back to check in. I'll make a post to report what I'm doing. Making new discoveries as usual, but things are looking up.
J