It’s my first time posting but wanting to feel like I’m not alone in my marriage to my adhd (diagnosed but untreated apart from 4/5 adhd cbt sessions) husband of 13 years.
I feel I’m at a point of burn out. Previously I did take on the parent role. Did all the household chores, made sure he ate, remembered important things like his families birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas presents etc. maybe that’s what most wives do but after we had children, of whom both are special needs at a high level, I’ve taken a step back.
I couldn’t do it anymore and part of me did feel like he’s an adult and that’s his family. One year we didn’t discuss Christmas presents for his family and I didn’t get them. On Christmas Day he almost had a melt down. I told him to take responsibility for his family instead of always relying on me. Now he does. Maybe it wasn’t fair I changed the dynamic without saying but I also wasn’t sleeping and barely functioning.
Right now I’m really frustrated with how full on he can be. Dont get me wrong. He’s great 90% of the time. But his mood swings when he’s stressed have taken a toll. Or even when he’s happy and wanting attention/being needy by asking questions to answers he could very easily find out for himself just for the sake of it. It’s frustrating and overwhelming.
I’m a really reserved, sensitive person who speaks when I feel it’s worth communicating, not to fill the silence. I was drawn to him for how energetic and fun he was. Not knowing the full scope of his adhd.
I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I am being the toxic one by responding so sharply at times, but I am exhausted. For example, he sometimes has a need to narrate everything he does or my favourite he’ll ask where something is before he looks for it. It’s almost like he wants me to think for him. The one that really gets me is his intense negative reactions to minor things, it affects me a lot. It has calmed down but it’s still there.
Maybe because my children need me so much to be regulated for them that I don’t have the capacity for him. And that’s where I feel he needs to own his adhd and get treatment and manage it better. He also takes things sometimes so personally that other people wouldn’t. It’s tiring and not fair to me to be the one to always have to be grounded one. I also have generalised anxiety and I have to cope with two high needs children and an adult who can’t regulate his emotions at the slightest inconvenience or mispoken word, depending on how high strung he is in the moment.
When I tell him he’s too much in certain moments, he doesn’t listen. He keeps pestering me then becomes angry or sulks, goes cold or turns it into a heated argument.
I guess I was just wondering if anyone felt the same. I wish I had someone who could I could lean on that was a steady, grounded energy and although I see his improvements, I don’t think I can deal with it much longer.
Comments
Everything you're feeling is valid
Can I first just say that you're not the "toxic one" and you don't have to validate why you don't have energy for your husband's demands. You're having a completely natural reaction to an unreasonable situation.
I have been exactly where you are and hit the breaking (breakdown) point. It's a terrible place to be when you're trying to raise children well. I was so sad that I was this "do everything" workhorse that was so exhausted and broken, I couldn't fully enjoy parenting and my life. The only solution for me was to leave. Being a single mom was hard, but it very much lessened my load not to have to take care of another adult who was actively making my life so much harder.
Without full and proper treatment and a true desire from him to step up (it doesn't sound like he can even see the massive imbalance in your relationship), little is likely to change. You are right to let go of absolutely everything you can reasonably let go of (e.g. the Christmas presents). You are carrying the weight of responsibility for four people and it's too much.
Thank you. We actually have 3
Thank you. We actually have 3 children but yes, it's been so difficult for so long. Recently it's gotten better as I was very close to ending it. I asked him to leave the house because as per usual our disagreement got so heated that I couldn't take anymore. He still to this day says that "I kicked him out the house" like he had nothing to do with it and was a victim. Since that day he went to some CBT sessions, realised his anger was an issue and has improved some but I feel the outbursts are still the same. The impact after 13 years of dealing with it has worn me down to where I am just numb. I used to be so reactive and I think he actually fed off of it.
We had a couples counselling session with a therapist we've been working with for awhile and it didn't go well. I've thought for awhile that he has RSD because he is unable to be accountable for anything negative that impacts me. He can't hear any criticism at all. I am just so sad and feel lost on what to do. Our situation is so complex with the kids.
Have you ever heard of....
Asperger's?
Teenie1970
Being exhausted isn't toxic
I often describe my married life as feeling like being a rock tied to a red helium balloon. The rock and the balloon live in completely different realities. But someone has to keep the whole thing grounded and it isn't going to be the balloon. And it's just really, really hard most of the time. It's not a functional relationship bc it just can't be balanced
EAB
That's a great analogy. It
That's a great analogy. It does feel like this. It's felt unbalanced for a very long time.
How can you take care of yourself?
I get where you are coming from. And you need to take care of yourself. What outlets do you have? What outlets can you find?