It’s my first time posting but wanting to feel like I’m not alone in my marriage to my adhd (diagnosed but untreated apart from 4/5 adhd cbt sessions) husband of 13 years.
I feel I’m at a point of burn out. Previously I did take on the parent role. Did all the household chores, made sure he ate, remembered important things like his families birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas presents etc. maybe that’s what most wives do but after we had children, of whom both are special needs at a high level, I’ve taken a step back.
I couldn’t do it anymore and part of me did feel like he’s an adult and that’s his family. One year we didn’t discuss Christmas presents for his family and I didn’t get them. On Christmas Day he almost had a melt down. I told him to take responsibility for his family instead of always relying on me. Now he does. Maybe it wasn’t fair I changed the dynamic without saying but I also wasn’t sleeping and barely functioning.
Right now I’m really frustrated with how full on he can be. Dont get me wrong. He’s great 90% of the time. But his mood swings when he’s stressed have taken a toll. Or even when he’s happy and wanting attention/being needy by asking questions to answers he could very easily find out for himself just for the sake of it. It’s frustrating and overwhelming.
I’m a really reserved, sensitive person who speaks when I feel it’s worth communicating, not to fill the silence. I was drawn to him for how energetic and fun he was. Not knowing the full scope of his adhd.
I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I am being the toxic one by responding so sharply at times, but I am exhausted. For example, he sometimes has a need to narrate everything he does or my favourite he’ll ask where something is before he looks for it. It’s almost like he wants me to think for him. The one that really gets me is his intense negative reactions to minor things, it affects me a lot. It has calmed down but it’s still there.
Maybe because my children need me so much to be regulated for them that I don’t have the capacity for him. And that’s where I feel he needs to own his adhd and get treatment and manage it better. He also takes things sometimes so personally that other people wouldn’t. It’s tiring and not fair to me to be the one to always have to be grounded one. I also have generalised anxiety and I have to cope with two high needs children and an adult who can’t regulate his emotions at the slightest inconvenience or mispoken word, depending on how high strung he is in the moment.
When I tell him he’s too much in certain moments, he doesn’t listen. He keeps pestering me then becomes angry or sulks, goes cold or turns it into a heated argument.
I guess I was just wondering if anyone felt the same. I wish I had someone who could I could lean on that was a steady, grounded energy and although I see his improvements, I don’t think I can deal with it much longer.
