My partner of many years and the father of our two kids, has recently told me that he is not in love with me anymore. I am reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage and I see so much of that book in our lives and now realise the patterns which have contributed to us being here. But I had no idea at all that he was feeling like this and have been completely blindsided by it.
I still love him. So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has been here and has come back from it. We are seeing a councillor and he has agreed to also read the book but he seems to feel that our relationship is over and it appears he is just doing these things to be try and there for the kids in an amicable way.
I can't make him love me. But this all just feels so rushed and impulsive.
Comments
Looking for hope
Thank you
Loving alone
So sorry to hear about this.
You don’t mention who of you two might have ADHD, but perhaps it doesn’t matter.
Like you, I’ve loved somebody who silently gave up on the marriage after many years of untreated ADHD and resulting destructive patterns. It’s very hard.
To me, it seems unfair to let a relationship slip without giving notice earlier, like your partner seems to have done. The one we live with deserves honesty. A long relationship with children is precious and deserves work. But some people perhaps are not able to give it.
If I have any suggestion, it’s to not exhaust yourself further to save the relationship, if your partner isn’t interested in doing the same. It might feel impossible to let go emotionally. Still, one person’s love isn’t enough. Trying and loving must be mutual for things to work.
Letting go as gracefully as possible would be my suggestion for you.
Sometimes they don’t love us, and it’s unbearable. But we have to bear it.
Sorry, he has the ADHD. Was
Sorry, he has the ADHD. Was diagnosed very young. Only recently (about 4 months ago) went back on meds after almost 18 years without.
I am just still so shocked by it all. I want to fight for us but I feel like it’s a solo fight so maybe I should just give up.
thank you for your response.
Treatment
His not treating this long-known condition has probably made your life unnecessarily hard and lessened the chances for your family to stay together. That responsibility is his.
My ex didn’t get evaluation for neurodivergence for decades of deteriorating mental health. He wasn’t upfront with his doctors or psychologists. When he started ADD treatment, it was too late to save our marriage. This is his responsibility.
We can mourn it, but not really bear responsibility for it.
I feel for you. Please take care.