Just getting starting on the journey of ADHD diagnosis for my husband. Married 16 years and almost divorced often in the past 10. Wonderful, caring, kind man, just didn't know he had ADHD. Just started Melissa's book and it's like others have said, like someone is reading from our lives. But a few chapters in and I'm wondering, do I, as the non-ADHD partner, have to be responsible forever? I tried to find the exact part I was just reading but couldn't, but it was something like, "putting a note in your partner's lunch box to remind them of a meeting, making lists for them", etc. I've done stuff like this for years - this is what I definitely do not want to do.
I have never wanted children, and I definitely don't want an adult where I have "to put a note in their lunch box" metaphorically or otherwise... This whole parent/child dynamic has ruined our relationship. I am now finally learning why he doesn't see messes, or can't remember things I've told him 100 times, etc. As a seriously organized person myself I've tried to craft multiple systems that make sense to him - alarms, reminders, ways of setting up our house, I even designed him a custom calendar... but this takes time, energy, effort that I never thought I'd have to put into a relationship.
I seriously just need to know, is this expected from the non-ADHD partner? Am I supposed to be his carer/organizer henceforth? From a vulnerability standpoint, who cares for me? Is this just the way it's going to be? I'm not trying to be uncaring, I've been here for 16 years, but I am beyond fed up and trying to be open to this new journey about learning about ADHD, and I need to know if there's a light at the end of this tunnel.
Maybe I need to read the rest of the book. Maybe he just needs to get far enough with therapy or eventually medication, but from those of you who have tried this, how's it going?
Thank you.
Forum:
Comments
Outbrain
No, I don’t think you can be expected to function as your partner’s outbrain.
I too despaired after 20 years of untreated severe ADD in my husband, when there was finally a diagnosis and different professionals advising us. They said ‘we’ should make systems of reminders, have meetings, organize life.
But I was already beyond exhausted. As months passed, it was obvious that not only did the advice mean I should spend my Saturdays sitting for hours in completely non-productive meetings with my husband at the kitchen table, I also needed to remind about the meetings, the whiteboard use, the schedule, the works, that he otherwise forgot about. He couldn’t contribute at all. At the same time, the changing challenges of life with three schoolchildren didn’t require ADD friendly routines. It required me, prioritizing, maintaining, executing, improvising.
And guess what. Nothing improved for me with ex husband’s treatment and counseling, or the feeble attempts at organizing. It stayed just as bad.
The problem isn’t parent-child dynamic, the problem is your partner doesn’t function.
Say no to being his caregiver if you don’t feel so inclined.
I have adhd
Well as a girl with ADHD I can say we love very hard. so I don't think he means to do it on purpose to make you mad. we often forget some stuff because we get focused on something that is important in life. we don't mean to do ti. I just some stuff slips are minds sometimes because we get overwhelmed and hold stuff in. But don't be too mean with him we often feel more sensitive. Also people with ADHD feel more rejected from people. But for me having big talks with people about problems that bother them helps better then them just saying a few little things that bother them I did because I will just forget if its not a big talk. wishing you the best.
On switch always on
I completely resonate with your post FrankTH. I am full of resentment as well for my switch being in the ON position for over 20 years, while my ADD SO is only now in the last year getting to understand he even needs to be switched on. The worst part for me is the parent / child dynamic has killed my romantic feelings for him, but he puts it down to the fact that he doesn't think I've tried, doesn't think we've prioritized our marriage (I sounded the alarm on this 20 years ago, but alas...) He still thinks there's hope, and I literally feel dead and numb inside. I feel like a brat sometimes, but there's a woman inside of me that screams - This isn't fair, and it's not what I signed up for! I truly hope that you can find a way to balance the expectations in a way that is fair to you, before a scenario happens that forces a painful outcome...
Yeah, it sucks. And in my
Yeah, it sucks. And in my experience, it gets worse as they get older.
I’m glad I’ve leaned I’m not alone, that these experiences and patterns are common. But unfortunately that means it sucks for so many of us.
It is not what I thought I was signing up for either.
Light at the end
I think to be successful that the person with ADHD needs to take responsibility for managing the condition. Developing systems that work for him should be his responsibility and you can support. So should starting medication and therapy/coaching. A relationship should not be this exhausting for one party.