Content Warning: Contains references to suicide
Hi there, I hope everyone is doing well today. I wanted to log on and vent some frustration with my ADHD spouse. I'm starting to get very resentful and don't know how to feel better about the situation. My ADHD husband is lazy when it comes to being a dad. He does do a lot of other things, which he often points out. But when it comes to spending genuine quality time or investing into his kids, he would rather be zonked out on his cell phone or talking to a friend, mowing five lawns in the neighborhood, or just about anything else. If I ask him to help with the two-year-old, he will "help" for about a minute before moving onto something else. When a neighbor needs him for something, poof he is immediately gone. Sometimes he leaves his cell phone at home, and he will just disappear somewhere in the neighborhood and I have no idea where he went. His job doesn't pay enough and now we're on food stamps and WIC. Have been for awhile, actually. So he ended up getting a second job, and he's gone a lot more now. People ask if it bothers me that he's gone so much, but honestly, I feel like a single mom sometimes anyway, so I don't really mind him working all the time. I figure, at least he's bringing in more money. When he was home before, he would lay in bed and "lament" a lot. He'd complain about not having money and talk suicidal talk, saying he wished he could just die, that he hoped he'd get hit by a bus soon, etc. When I asked him if he was really suicidal, he would say he wasn't, and just say he was frustrated. This went on for years and years (actually, pretty much our whole marriage). But if I tell him he needs to get evaluated or get some help, he'll say he doesn't need it. Very frustrating and I try to keep my kids away from it as much as possible, for fear that it will negatively affect him. He gets very negative in the way he talks, but he'll say he's just being realistic. When I ask for help with the kids' meals or bedtime routine, I have to beg and beg until he reluctantly does something. Otherwise, he'll just be laying in bed on his cell phone not paying attention to anyone. He does switch over the laundry constantly, and he does fold it, but he mixes it all up. We have five kids, and he doesn't want to take the time to learn whose laundry is whose or where it goes, and doesn't help me enforce it for the kids to put away their laundry. (I call the kids into the room and ask them to sort through and find their clothes and put them away, or I'll end up just putting it all away myself). If there's a holiday or it's my birthday, I have to schedule something and ask him to "babysit" his own kids, but I have severe anxiety about leaving them in his care due to his inattentiveness. I recently went to dinner with a friend for our birthdays and while I was gone he let the two year old wander into the garage because he was on the phone and not watching. Our son got hurt and my husband texted me and asked when I was coming home. I guess I'm just asking for some validation to my frustration and also asking for help on how to appreciate him for the things he does right. I know he's working two jobs now, and I do appreciate that. I know he loves his kids. I don't doubt that. But he doesn't really take time to instill anything in them as far as values or godly character, aside from taking our family to church on Sundays. If anything, the way he talks and how he acts are opposite from what a Christian's attitude should be. For example, when I tell him I want help with the kids' meals, he says he's "just not interested" in helping with that and he'll say, "I do other things." He also doesn't have the attention span to play catch with the boys in the yard, play with the baby on the playground (or almost anywhere, really). He'll make comments about wanting more kids, although he got the vasectomy. And I'm thinking, why? Would he say he's sad about it or wants more, when he doesn't want to be present or intentional with the kids we have now? It's so hard when I see other men playing with their children and interacting, helping their wives with meals and encouraging their wives to take breaks or go out with friends, and my husband behaves the way he does. How do I stop feeling so resentful? He does take the four older kids out to meals with just them on occasion, and we do go on family hikes, or he'll play video games or watch a movie with them in the livingroom. He also fixes up their bikes and sometimes we'll go on bike rides with the neighbors. That is about the extent of his involvement as a dad. Should I just be thankful that at least he does something, instead of nothing? It's so hard for me to stop comparing when I see other dads being more thoughtful, intentional and present and I don't have that type of partner. He also will barely look me in the eye because he says it makes him uncomfortable. Anyway, thanks for any help or advice in advance.
