Forum:
Hi, I'm glad to have found this group!
I'm 56/m, my fiancee is 48/f, been together 5 years. It has been a roller coaster!
She started to experience menopause sysptoms a few years before we met, she used to run and read, things she can't do now. Her ex husband is bipolar, and she was dealing with a difficult divorce from him when we met and started dating. Many financial issues that were partly caused by him abandoning her, partly by her (overspending on kids, inattentiveness).
I grew up with addictions I was in denial of until recently (love and sex, overeating). Maybe you can imagine the chaos the 2 of us caused with each other, extreme highs and lows, chronic arguing and me leaving the house for days until she could calm down.
I started to get help by going to 12 step groups, getting myself right, and seeing we still had problems communicating, answered the question if it was just my former behavior causing our problems. I do have my own neurodivergency which may be slight ADHD or autism. Or maybe just addict brain, there are similarities. I haven't been tested.
I put it all together when she let her student loan go to default and didn't address it until I made her call. It's been a pattern with anything big or important.
I took a crash course in ADHD, binged a 12 hour audiobook, Is it You, Me, or ADD? It was written about 15 years ago, but contained things that are just now getting exposure about adults with add.
The chronic anger and overspending/neglect are the big issues that could end us if she won't get help. She did admit on her own she needs a support group, but that was almost 2 months ago. It's a start!
We had a blow-up the other day, I thought I saw a message on her phone to her ex that she was being garnished for past taxes (I was using her phone with her permission for something. Wasn't intending to snoop, but the tab with the conversations with her ex was open). I asked her 2 days ago if it was true, and she lost her sh!t (is cussing allowed here?). She was not being garnished, but was furious for me asking. Sent me several mean texts, I'm learning to not take those personally, but I also struggle with rejection sensitivity. Haven't spoken again yet. I usually wait until she cools off and comes back.
So at the moment, I'm reading your stories and figuring the best ways to go forward, especially with finances. I pay all the bills, and she does everything else. It was a good option when she was only working part-time, now we're about equal pay and work hours. Not sure what will work best, but a budget with boundaries sounds best.
I do love her and want things to work out between us. I'm hopeful that getting the right hormone treatment could improve her well-being, since that looks like the cause of this, but it's a battle to get there.
Thanks for listening, and I appreciate and insight.
Comments
I hadn’t thought about the
I hadn’t thought about the conjunction of menopause and ADHD before - guess it’s likely to be a challenge to say the least. HRT might help - but it’s a bit of a blunt instrument, just topping up Oestrogen and Progesterone whilst leaving everything else haywire, including adrenaline and cortisol, so its unlikely have the effects you would hope for in terms of her anger management. Menopause isn’t a cause of anger - it just takes the brakes off a bit; it disinhibits, rather than changes who you are. The loss of Oestrogen just makes you a little less anxious to smooth things over and keep things on an even keel. So, in my opinion (not a medical doctor; an informed menopausal woman with an ADHD ex), what you’re seeing there is who she is, not a temporary blip. And it’s not okay for anyone, whatever their condition, to dish out ‘chronic anger’ at their partner. Menopause, ADHD, whatever- you deserve kindness from your fiancée. But chronic anger is what you’re getting. However well-planned your finances might become, I would suggest extreme caution about making this legal. The key question I’d suggest asking yourself is, ‘Is this making me happy?’