My not so neurotypical family of origin is ruled by a principle: nobody has a right to expect anything from the others, and nobody should feel obliged to make efforts.
This is nice for individuals. Makes everyone relaxed and guilt-free. However, it isn’t great for keeping extended family together, or to strengthen those who need it. Or to even out responsibility for family connection.
Being a mother of three, exhausted by carrying things alone in the ADD marriage and now trying hard to avoid burnout, I feel this extended family dynamic isn’t working. I’m the only one to arrange family gatherings, cook, decorate and invite the others. They always show up, and enjoy the gathering. But don’t reciprocate.
They rarely reach out to me at all, expecting me to take initiatives. If I don’t, they presume I don’t want to be in touch. But I’m exhausted from living with an ADD partner who also assumed I’d take every initiative.
The general message I get is they’re interested in connecting with my children, but not me so much. And they don’t hear themselves, being enthusiastic about my teenagers but forgetting to mention they like me too. It’s like I’m mostly there for the heavy work, so everyone else can have fun.
I’ve tried to discuss how we’d all like our extended family to socialize. But they shrug it off. They don’t want plans, or effort. They even said there’s no such thing as deciding on how to socialize, it’s not something that’s done, it’s something that happens.
I have other people in my life who would second me in that no, gatherings and connection is something made. But this family doesn’t see it that way.
I feel hurt. Taken advantage of. And unloved. Even jealous of my own children, who do little and receive all this love and praise.
People I love have told me to let go of these family members. I’m trying to, putting my attention elsewhere. But it hurts so much, just being on the phone with one of them and getting the situation confirmed once again in their carefree light tone of voice.
They are oblivious to what they do to me.
I just want to cry.
