privilege of a lifetime is to be yourself."
Viola Davis
I copying this from the weekly newsletter, because I actually have something really important to say here. And I also agree with the newsletters author in taking the same position as stated below.
"I agree with Davis – being who you are is great! But…understand that this has ramifications in a relationship. If you feel that it’s important to indulge your hair trigger anger and are regularly violent because you’ve ‘always been that way’, for example, you will have trouble sustaining a relationship. You may be ‘you’ but you will be alone.
There are two versions of this ‘accept me as I am’ that I hear with ADHD couples that don’t work for me. First, there is the ADHD partner who says ‘love me unconditionally and accept me as I am’ while taking little or no control of ADHD symptoms that make the partner’s life completely miserable. Second, there is the non-ADHD partner who feels that controlling behaviors are justified due to chaos, and takes over everything…trampling others. (Yes, non-ADHD partners are going to think I have put that unkindly…but when you overperform in a relationship, this is what you are doing.)"
As a kid with undiagnosed ADHD, the part about "it's just how I am." came directly put of my mouth word for word. That really caught my attention because of it!!
And my parents also replied with "well, you go ahead and be that way, and no one will like you." That also has a similar ring.
But that was then, and this is now and I'll share what happens when neither side is taking responsibility for their part and no one does anything about it.
There's a tacit, or subconscious understanding that forms inside someone like myself, and, if it goes on long enough and continues unabated.... a self judgment is formed that says "I'm not good enough."
And that sticks, and stays there until something comes along and changes it. To this day, and especially now after a breakup.....that message or tape loop is still playing yet, now, I've learned how to manage it compared to when I was young. I don't believe it's true anymore, but to get from where I started, took me years to undo and a lot of heartache to go with it.
That's the effect, coming from the other side who, unintentionally, are sending that message often, consistently, and repeatedly without realizing it.
But this is where, I do have something to say, and I learned it from my swim couch starting when I was young. This man had an amazing talent of telling you how bad your stroke was (no holds barred )....and simultaneously...telling you "you can do this, you've got what it takes...I believe in you."
In the same breathe.
He was a master, at motivation. He balanced discipline, reward and punishment perfectly.
And when I walked away from him after a talk.....not only did I not say " I'm not good enough.".....I took his word to heart, and wanted to prove him right. That I was not only good enough, I believed I could do it, and I had what it takes."
That's quite a stark contrast, or difference, from one to the other. And all he had to say was...."you can do this, I believe in you."
This is my personal experience...I learned it by doing it.
I thought it was worth mentioning, because the success he had doing this was overwhelmingly positive.
J
