I’ve come to an understanding that I have been significantly impacted by my ex’s RSD. I expect to offend all the time, about anything. I’m become quiet and withdrawn and I often apologise or worry if something I said might have hurt anyone, or I preface simple things with please-don’t-take-this-the-wrong-way padding, eg: ‘this is in no way a criticism but does anyone know where the scissors are?’
I realise I have internalised the flip side of the RSD coin: his response to me was constantly ‘you are always hurting me’; his narrative was that I am critical, negative and cruel. And I have come to believe that, on some level. I’ve come to believe what he told me I was, with his flinching and defensiveness and prickliness and snapping, and with his statements too. One of the lowest points of my life was him telling our therapist I am cruel.
My psyche has been moulded by his RSD.
I’m working my way back to an acceptance of myself as a reasonably decent person. I’ve looked online, and have talked with friends (whose shock at this depiction of me and reassurance has been so helpful) but most resources seem to be about how hard RSD is for the person with it. Does anyone have any experiences or resources useful for the person who has been harmed by being on the receiving end of RSD?
Comments
Operant Conditioning, That's the Mechanism
Behavior that reduces distress gets reinforced.
Behavior that increases distress gets suppressed.
No beliefs required.
No intent required.
No pathology required.
Just a nervous system learning what keeps the room calm.
That's you Honesty.....and me as well.
J
that’s a useful concept
I hadn’t heard of that before; thank you
Slight Variation
What I just experienced had a subtly different trigger. Instead of being ( or feeling ) rejected, being "wrong" was the trigger...and anger usually followed.
yes that too
I remember that of your situation, J - the anger- I think and hope that you’re out too now? It always did sound so hard.
It’s a bit of a misnomer, I think, ‘Rejection’ - the problem with my ex seemed to be anything that was ‘not praise’ was ‘criticism’ and ‘praise’ was itself ‘insufficient priase’. So there’s something about ‘wrongness’ here too; he has to be right and had to be seen to be right and had to be celebrated for it. Despite being very bad at most practical things and under-informed and opinionated about many others. I have had to tiptoe round and clear up so many of his mistakes and yet he could not be wrong. He has assumed ill-informed authority about so many things; he’s (incorrectly) corrected me so many times in areas he is certainly less informed than me - for example aspects of my profession. In conversation I’d work out an answer to something we were trying to figure out, and his response would be ‘maybe’. Because he was still instinctively reluctant to believe I could be correct.
So wrongness deffo an issue with him too; but never the levels of unreasonable anger that you had to face, J.