I am even getting sick of myself for all the complaining I feel like doing. If I'd only get a break . . . .
My husband has always had issues with impulse buying. It was literally one day before our wedding that I learned he had a bankruptcy in his past. Big surprise (sarcasm). We have separate bank accounts because I do not trust him with money.
He complains that I "do research" before making bigger purchases. That annoys him. Sensibility annoys him. He was upset that I insisted on a sensible washer and dryer for a new house rather than spend the $$$ on state-of-the-art beautiful machines we've had at other homes (and never learned the purpose of all the features).
He purchased a "fun car" about two years ago without mentioning a word to me. Unfortunately, his "fun car" is a vehicle I am extremely uncomfortable riding in. It is a "summertime vehicle" only, sits very low to the ground, it's very tiny, and I honestly do not feel safe in it at all (especially the way he drives it). I have no idea how much he spent, and I don't want to know, but the car makes it out of the garage about three times a year. Yesterday, we finally talked about him selling it. I told him I don't want to be burdened with his vehicle debt or selling his vehicles if he goes before I do. He purchased a practical vehicle a few years earlier and paid extra to have all kinds of alterations made to it, then he impulsively traded it in for a very expensive gas guzzling truck. We do not need a truck.
I feel like auto dealers (and others) just love it when they see him coming.
Without mentioning anything to me, he purchased a $5k riding mower two years ago. The first mowing season, something went wrong and it died in our backyard. It was under warranty, which you think my husband would have dealt with, but instead we called a repair guy (who I contacted) to come out and fix it. We're now into the second mowing season and have already spent money on one so-called repair only to have the mower stuck (it won't move) outside of our garage right now. I looked up reviews of this thing, and they're all around 1.5 stars. That was through a simple Google search that he couldn't bother to do before paying the $5k.
I am so incredibly frustrated by this kind of thing, by the constant irresponsible purchases, from an overabundance of bath towels (yes, I know, weird) to excessive wall decor (we only have so much wall space) to a vehicle we don't use and now a $5k riding mower that doesn't work 50% of the time.
Do I demand to be informed of planned purchases? Do we sit down with a budget sheet in front of us? I don't know what to do. My pleas to him to stop buying go ignored. It's gotten out of control.
Forum:
Comments
You arent alone
It's so so tough. I'm there and some of the massive impulse buys have slowed but we still get packages every day. Like, literally everyday. My husband buys stuff from amazon that can be found at a nearby store that he can walk too.literally. it makes life soooo much harder than what it needs to be.
You can try those suggestions you made, but you know deep down inside what is going to happen. He is showing you who he is. Sorry to be blunt about it I've learned a little bit on what I can accept or let go by turning an eye, and sometimes the bigger purchases get a foot stamping and I have to actually throw a temper tantrum in order to get him to listen. But it repeats itself. It always does.
Sending hugs. My best advice is to get control of finances and try to do damage control. Depending on who is earning what, can u look at separate bank accounts at all? Or maybe he gets a ml they allowance ans access to bills, etc all adults things is cut off for him? It would be good to see where his spending is affecting the family finances. It might surprise you if there's some areas it's more annoying for you on his purchases, but he isn't hurting anyone.... then that's a control thing for you(I only know this bc that is me!)
The deliveries! How could I have forgotten?
I had to laugh when you mentioned the packages. Our security cameras always tell on him (he tries to hide the purchases). Half the crap gets stored away somewhere to be found again maybe a year or two later. The rest of it I stumble upon and he says, "Oh, yea, I got that a couple years ago!" An owl figurine. A clay figure of a head. More towels. I am constantly saying, "We don't have room for this. Remember: We moved here to scale down!" I'm having a yard sale this fall.
The more dangerous thing is he believes the ads about miracle cures, so he buys things like mushroom coffee and doesn't drink it, has giant bags of cinnamon delivered that just sit on the kitchen counter, etc.
We are not financially strapped; we live comfortably. His spending does not impact our home life or OUR finances and he carries his weight--but his spending clutters our home, impacts my time when things break down (I suddenly become responsible for this or the fixes don't happen), and, I fear, will leave me with a mountain of things to get rid of should he die before me. He is not in great health. And, yea, he would have a meltdown if I insisted on controlling the finances. But I do keep mine separate.
Financial advisor
You’re so welcome to vent all you want! You have good reason to.
It’s impossible to be joined to somebody at the hip and not suffer from their bad decisions, I think. But when it comes to money, the best advice I got was to save up for myself. Even if you and your husband own everything together, you could arrange to have some separate assets, letting you protect money from his thoughtless spending. Financial advisor could be worth the trouble. Just a thought.
Best of luck.
Thank you
Thank you. Yes. I have my own bank accounts and my own investments. I saw a long time ago that he was an impulse buyer.
Newby here
I am so glad to have found a site where I can come to vent and then get some advice. Here's our (not uncommon) situation. DH has ADD and doesn't think he does--3/5 of our adult kids have it and all 3 medicate for it and work through it. He thinks they're 'crazy' and I am also 'crazy' b/c his behaviors drive me nuts.
we're a couple months away from 'celebrating' our 50th anniversary--and I am not feeling the 'joy' that I thought I would at this big benchmark. People ask "How do you make it to 50 years?!" and I say "Oh, just don't get divorced". In kind of a lightweight manner.
Truth is, I am too stubborn and he is too lazy to 'quit'. At ages 70 (me) and 74 (him) we are pretty committed to this relationship.
He had to retire early to take care of his aging mother and that went on for 2 miserable years. She died 2 years ago and then he had to deal with her estate. Now that's all settled (not w/o a LOT of drama) and all he does is sleep and golf. He has few outside interests, doesn't want to do much besides watch TV and sleep. I still run the household and do everything associated with that. He thinks I am a nagging and annoying princess.
We should never have gotten married in the beginning. But we did and have had probably a better than average marriage, but I am going to sound like a princess when I say it's been OK simply because I don't rock the boat. I just had a total knee replacement, and he did almost nothing to help me. I cried more than once out of pain and frustration b/c he would not help.
So sorry!
The part that hurt reading this was about your knee replacement. I don't even know what to say about someone who would not help someone else in pain.
You do not sound like a princess.
I think there are many, many, many of us who have stuck it out and wondered if we should have gotten married in the first place.