Hi all! (Don’t use emojis or the post won’t save and you will get a strange error, got it)
I’m AuDHD, diagnosed at 45 and now 48. I’ve spent the past 5 years learning about autism, but I think I missed how much ADHD impacted my relationships.
I left my husband after 14 years because I became the resentful partner managing everything: appointments, chores, cooking, emotional labor, all of it. I tried chore lists, direct communication, flexibility, everything I could think of. Nothing changed. He’d come home from work and disappear into hobbies while I carried the household alone.
Trying to manage an entire household while also struggling with AuDHD just finally completely broke me. The constant mental load, exhaustion, overwhelm, and emotional labor became unbearable. By the end, I had nothing left.
I don’t regret leaving, but I do carry sadness about it now and wonder sometimes whether understanding ADHD better would have changed anything.
Now I’m with a wonderful partner who likely also has ADHD. He’s caring, emotionally intelligent, and vulnerable in so many ways, except when something he says or does hurts me. Then it becomes defensiveness and deflection. I’ve also found myself overwhelmed with chores on many occasions.
So here I am, recognizing familiar patterns and terrified of ending up back in the same dynamic.
My therapist keeps reminding me not to take on the work of figuring out my partner’s diagnosis for him, because that becomes more labor on me. But I’m trying so hard to protect this relationship.
Comments
Defensiveness and lack of initiative
I feel for you. This must be hard.
Defensiveness is something I’ve not ever been able to deal with in family members. If somebody hurts you, and there’s no way out of it for you except burying the hurt, or alternatively hurting ten times more from confronting them, that’s an unsustainable arrangement if you ask me.
I’m trying to deal with this now through boundary setting and by revealing less personal information. But those strategies only have a chance to work since I don’t live with, or am dependent on the people in question. It wouldn’t work with a partner.
Lack of initiative in loved ones has literally burned me out. They prefer I do tasks they don’t enjoy, including taking initiative and responsibility for joint ventures. No matter how exhausted I am, they still leave it to me. I find this extremely provocative. Especially since I’ve stressed many times it’s not functioning for me. But they happily steer clear of my needs, still acting in the ways they prefer.
I can relate so much to your love for a partner who is caring, emotionally present and vulnerable. However, if you’re also dealing with defensiveness and lack of initiative, the relationship might be less than ideal. My former marriage was a combination of these things. I’d be very cautious if I were you.
Highly Adapatable Poeple
I've wondered about myself being AuDHD like yourself but at this stage in my life, I really don't care if I am or not. It's just another label to add my my own list of labels that are less relevant to anything else going on. I really don't care one way or the other since it won't change who I am. ADHD, AuDHD, Autism, OCD what ever. You can call me "yo mammie " if you want to, I really don't care. It's no skin off my nose...you can call me what ever you like.
But I have been very interested in my strength lately, and using them as much as I can. I've also determined, it's these strengths that attract many of the women I've been with. They seem to be drawn to certain qualities more than others. And again, this isn't "me" the person, it's just a list of qualities I have. It's been a real source of frustration for me, being chosen from a shopping list of qualities instead of "me" as a person.
I think its worth exploring why poeple are attracted to you, what you have to offer, and reading betwee the lines, as to why others see as a reason to be with you in the first place. I think this is one of those reasons for me.
"Highly adaptable individuals share a unique blend of curiosity, emotional intelligence, and resilience. Instead of resisting change, they treat it as an opportunity to learn, shifting their focus quickly and maintaining a solution-oriented mindset when plans go awry.
Key Characteristics
Adaptable people generally share several core habits that allow them to navigate uncertainty:
Balanced Judgement: They balance optimism with caution, looking at both the risks and rewards of a new situation before taking action."
Speaking for myself, this set of features describes my pretty well. But I've also noted on the flip side, potential partners ( or actual ones in my past ) tend to be lacking in some of this areas. They immediately lean into me from their lacking, which automatically creates this imbalance or asymmetry that has caused me so much grief.
My whole point in even saying this comes from my own personal frustration. Getting picked for a set of features, instead of me as a person. That's not what I wanted at the very least.