Hi all! (Don’t use emojis or the post won’t save and you will get a strange error, got it)
I’m AuDHD, diagnosed at 45 and now 48. I’ve spent the past 5 years learning about autism, but I think I missed how much ADHD impacted my relationships.
I left my husband after 14 years because I became the resentful partner managing everything: appointments, chores, cooking, emotional labor, all of it. I tried chore lists, direct communication, flexibility, everything I could think of. Nothing changed. He’d come home from work and disappear into hobbies while I carried the household alone.
Trying to manage an entire household while also struggling with AuDHD just finally completely broke me. The constant mental load, exhaustion, overwhelm, and emotional labor became unbearable. By the end, I had nothing left.
I don’t regret leaving, but I do carry sadness about it now and wonder sometimes whether understanding ADHD better would have changed anything.
Now I’m with a wonderful partner who likely also has ADHD. He’s caring, emotionally intelligent, and vulnerable in so many ways, except when something he says or does hurts me. Then it becomes defensiveness and deflection. I’ve also found myself overwhelmed with chores on many occasions.
So here I am, recognizing familiar patterns and terrified of ending up back in the same dynamic.
My therapist keeps reminding me not to take on the work of figuring out my partner’s diagnosis for him, because that becomes more labor on me. But I’m trying so hard to protect this relationship.
