My husband and I separated (my instigation) which was then the catalyst for him getting a diagnosis. Learning about how adhd has affected our marriage has brought much grief, pain and understanding. So much damage has been done that I cannot begin to understand how we might even reconcile or, what worries me more, if I even want to start to repair the damage and live together again as husband and wife. When I left, I was at the lowest point of my life, emotionally numb and exhausted. He is now medicated and committed to change. Have any others been in this position and made it work? I’m so confused between having hope we could rebuild and yet I’m worried things could fall apart again. I feel terrible guilt for not wanting to try for the sake of our children and our relationship but I’m not willing to give up my mental health or feeling of peace. Would love to hear from others who may have been in this situation.
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Wait
Make any reconciliation based on his commitment to improving. Do not move back in. Do not help him navigate treatment. Wait. See what his commitment is to seeing the kids, be accommodating with times but do not make all the visitarion arrangements for him, let him reach out and coordinate schedules and plan activities on his own.. Let him carry the full load of caring for himself and navigating the logistics of visitation, outside commitments, therapy, work, food shopping, finances, etc. Don't listen to his sob stories about how he is behind the 8 ball now and can't seem to catch up. Many on this forum can attest that when the juggler (you) leaves the stage the audience member (him) isn't willing to do the work on their own to repair the broken marriage or see their kids on a regular basis. Often what they want is all the things you did that kept their life on track, a not necessarily the commitments that come with it.. They are losing the scapegoat who they blamed for everything wrong in their lives.. Now they will have to look in the mirror and put the blame on themself. Once the reality of how much work goes into living a life without someone doing all the heavy lifting they just slowly settle back into their maladaptive behaviors and claim victimhood.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I do wonder if getting me back is more about the desire to keep their life in order and financial security.
Damage done
You’re so right in defending your inner peace.
For many of us, an ADHD partner’s diagnosis appears after years or decades of pain and confusion. Unmedicated ADHD has then worn us thin and challenged our health.
The damage already done shouldn’t be ignored.
You are the one who can decide if you want to try, or have the resources to try and revive the relationship. Bear in mind your ADHD partner might never have understood the strain you’ve been under. They perhaps won’t in future either. Then their expectations might be way off the mark, as may their future efforts to make your life easier.
Also, medication may be very helpful for some with ADHD, but there’s no guarantee. Some ADHD traits don’t seem to disappear with medication. And it wears off at night.
I lived with someone who had no idea why I had nothing left after 20 years and three children with his unmedicated self. He ended up feeling I didn’t support him enough, not understanding I’d destroyed myself trying.
Don’t entrust a person like that with your tender heart or your frayed mind. You need respect for your boundaries. A person who doesn’t see them, won’t make a safe partner for you.