Recent forum posts (all topics)

I've allowed my marriage to get broken. My wife is so upset. Angry, disappointed, and sad. I'm disappointed and ashamed of myself. She feels I don't see her, don't value her, that she has no form or role in our life. I can see how she feels this way and when I tell her that I care and love her – which I desperately do – I know it sounds empty because my behaviors don't add up to my words. After 21 years we are potentially coming to an end which would probably crush me and be horrible for all of us, forever.

Our 34th Wedding Anniversary is coming up in a week. We have a total of six (now adult) children. Three of them are our birth children together. Two of those were diagnosed with ADHD before age four. I already had two children from another birth father. Neither had any signs of ADHD. New husband in 1984, new DNA, and three birth children with him. Never having heard of ADHD I could not understand why I was unable to meet my children’s needs. I could not understand why my new husband had suddenly dropped his interest and attention for me. He had been SO attentive to my every need.

We want to try finding an ADHD coach for our teenage son.  Has anyone had experience with BeyondBookSmart?  Do you have other recommendations for the northern NJ area?

https://www.beyondbooksmart.com/students?hsCtaTracking=3f4865cd-81d9-4a49-9420-bc6e947677ea%7C01d54f39-6664-40c0-8fa7-2fc8763c2416

So, we are at the point where I’ve literally done all the research, said everything 500 times, and made my feelings very clear.  My husband’s anger is, at times, explosive and that’s just not ok.  Even if it’s infrequent.  I’ve used “I” statements, soft starts (per Melissa), and tiptoed carefully around him with my words, which often get twisted and misinterpreted anyway.  I’ve made suggestions about meeting with his doctor, changing meds, and trying alternative therapies, like coaching.  I’ve recommended getting his sleep and diet back on track, exercising, etc.  

I had surgery back in November, so I could not drive or do any housework for about 8 weeks.  Right after Thanksgiving, I asked my wife to pick up 3 prescriptions for me.  She had lost her keys and was using mine, so I could not get them out of her car.  I asked her to bring them in several times of the course of the next few days.  Finally, even with my limited mobility, I took the keys and searched both cars.  There was no sign of the medicine!  (Fortunately, they were not related to the surgery--mostly my antidepression meds.)

So, a few weeks ago, after yet another angry outburst that I’ve said time and time again is not acceptable in our home, I said I thought we should separate.  I don’t want to.  I said it out of desperation.  And because he was yelling at me, provoking me.  Because we’ve had the SAME CONVERSATION 500 times about how his expression of anger has eroded our relationship.  He gets mad.  I say that was not ok.  He gets defensive.  I clam up for days.  Things blow over.  But they really don’t.  Not for me.  This pattern happens over and over and over.

We are working on our relationship and my ADHD treatment. I realize that this may be more complicated than just one or the other. This has been an issue for us, for a long time. I have been taking Adderall and Vivanse for treatment. I am trying to be aware and speak to my mate in a kind and respectful way but sometimes it just comes out. Would a different medication help be a better fit?

Thanks

Steve

Hi all,

the information is so good here I wanted to post a question and would really like to hear your point of view.

my gf has undiagnosed ADHD, I only became aware when a good common friend of us who has diagnosed ADHD told me that in his view my gf (or my ex) had ADHD herself as she shows a lot of the signs, he told me this AFTER I ended the relationship, after I got educated on ADHD it all made sense, so I agree with him, i strongly believe she was ADHD just she is so unaware of it.

Have you ever wondered, is there something I can say or do, to make my spouse understand what living with them is like? After years of failed communication attempts, have you ever wondered, how on earth do I get through to this person?  I sure have! When someone gets offended (starts off defensive) before you can ask your first question about their behavior. It's not a good sign that any progress will ever be made...

I have never been one to value power, prefering to value love and sacrifice more.  But I am learning that was my undoing.  I have been making it my project to understand power and how a person needs to be aware of it. The following is an article from Psychology Today that helps me to see where I have been part of the problem of my own resentment and sadness.  I think this is important to be aware of.  So some of us may stop crying and start to work on our self esteem and .....oooh, I had always hated this word....POWER. It seems selfish to me.