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I have been married 12 years to what I have always thought to be the most amazing man ever. Sometime in the last few years...things have changed. He has always been anti social and forgetful (in an unusually extreme way). I always blamed this to his pot use. However, being off pot for more than a year now, hasnt helped. Lately Ive been researching things and keep stumbling across ADHD and they all describe him to a T. His comeback to anything is that I like to take away anything he enjoys. Or that I force him to do things he doesn't like.

Today, I took a calculated risk and told my husband that I felt the need to talk about a subject that is very painful for him, his failure to look for a job since he was fired three years ago.    He has said in the past that this topic always makes him feel inadequate and guilty and so on and so forth, and so I have grudgingly avoided talking about for several months.  But I was thinking today once again that it just isn't fair to take a major issue off the table because of one person's discomfort.

 This is not what I signed up for when I married this man.  I do not know how we got to this place.  Our problems have increased gradually as our children (boys 11 and 15) have grown.  My husband is not only ADD but had a very dysfunctional home life as a child, especially with his mother.  I feel doomed.  He seems to not be able to separate his history from our home life.  I came from a very loving and supportive family.  Yet, we are repeating many of the patterns in his home.  I pay for his mother's sins every day of my life.  He pays little to no attention to me.  There is a double stand

Hi Funnyfarm,

If someone doesn't show interest in you, support or encourage you, listen to you, or do thoughtful things for you, how can you tell if they love you, or if they're just making do with you or using you? 

example:#(1)

A few weeks ago we went out to the casino where they serve free drinks and food while anyone gamble the slots machines or play poker...it had a very attractive girl working the night shift that night,he was starring down the little girl of whom could have been his sister(SHAME ON HIM)apparently he loves younger women and even his ex wife explained this to me in one of her emails to me...well...I kicked brass when we got home telling him that I know what he was doing and we had a fight over it...

right..

So imagine God says to you...here's this man.  And he's wonderful, enthusiastic, bright, charming...he'll find new ways to make you laugh every day.  And no matter what life throws at you, no matter what you go through, you will love him more every day, and it will never stop.  And it isn't until after you say YES sign me up, and you fall too deeply in love to turn back that God says, "but wait, there's more."  For the rest of your life, you will live for this man.  All of your hopes and dreams, your goals and plans...all that now takes a backseat to just keeping him together.

Ok so after 17 years....2 kids, abuse (drug, physicsl,emotional) nfidelity,2 mental breakdowns, a adhd son who is getting worse by the minute because of dads untreated adhd, childhood issues and dysfunctional family,,,,i have been asking myself lately.....is this worth it? I have been to hell and back on several occasions and i cant say for even a second any of it was worth it. For the exception of my kids nothing good has come out of this marriage...not one..why oh why did i do this? Why did i stay so long.? Why did i let things go so far....why did i expose my kids to this life?

Alrighty, gang...  Need a bit of help on this one. I'm not going to deny that I've been in my own little world with regards to my relationship with my dear ADHD partner. Things must be done my way. I've had a very clear "script" in my head on how things should go, etc. Not uncommon for us codependents, really. :) A lot of my troubles have been with things not getting done MY way, and I'd freak out when they weren't. (Just like it says in Melissa's book!) 

We are two different people....he thinks soooo different from me...we may have the same excitement to go the same places,do the same things..go on romantic vacations....but can we last?am I wasting my time trying?should I continue this relationship with him?I don't know what to do?