I think I've finally identified something that has had a detrimental impact on my well being throughout my life. contained within, my personal relationships in my own family as well as love relationships throughout my life.
To be sure, this is MY personal experience, I'm not assuming this is exactly the same for anyone else but I think it's worth mentioning or sharing, for others to see. There's a few moving parts here...I'm just putting the puzzle pieces together and they seem to fit pretty well. This is also not a diagnosis of any particular disorder or ...a disorder at all....but it is a dynamic process that has had powerful implications and effects on me. To the point...of me simply giving up on relationships entirely to avoid this ever happening again. I'd say that's a pretty dramatic outcome ...and not necessarily my first choice looking forward to the future.
To say this differently. It's so bad, I don't want to risk "it" again ! That part is no joke for me.
The irony in my personal situation is so apparent right now, I cannot, not see this as relevant in so many ways. Doing what I'm doing, makes this even MORE apparent ( to me ).
I'm basically living "as" a homeless person. I don't feel homeless...but it what it is. By all means, I should be: stressed out, suffering from depression, anxiety, and a host of other ....not so pleasant things in terms of my overall well being. I should be worried non stop, about what's going to happen in the future and what will become of me. Yet....that's not the case.
I feel more relaxed than I've ever been. My recent trip to the doctor confirmed, my physiology has not only changed ( from what it was ) it has returned to a very healthy baseline that simply cannot be denied. By all means, in my thinking...this shouldn't be based on my current living situation which is full of stressor all day long. This lifestyle is definitely not "settled" feeling....so how can this be? How can I feel so good...when my situation looks so bad ? And I'm still grieving on top of it?
None of this made any sense to me, until I started putting the pieces together and looking hard and deep for a common thread. And I think I found it...for what it's worth.
I made the conclusion that I'm just not suited to be in a relationship at all. It's just not in the cards for me...because of this detrimental effect on my body and my overall well being. Just looking at it from the outside...being IN a relationship makes me feel bad...as the overall net effect. Not all the time, but more often than not.
But I realized something more recently. I've never been in a relationship without this gatekeeping behavior. It's the common thread in many of my relationships which extends back to my own mother. And even her mother (my grandmother) who I affectionately nick named "The Puritanical Dominatrix" many years ago. She was nice well meaning old lady to me, but with some really difficult qualities that made her hard to live with. I couldn't wait until she'd leave, when ever she came to visit and stay with us. She kind of sucked the oxygen out of the room you might say, so when she'd leave ....I felt like I could breathe again.
And of course, my mom picked this up to a lesser degree but it was still there. And ...my own sisters kind of carrying the torch you might say. The feeling of suffocating ( no oxygen ) is very real! It may not be oxygen depletion...but something is definitely amiss by a similar feeling of being starved. It is the gatekeeping that causes this effect on me...I know it now, more than I ever have before.
I'm not an expert in any way on this gatekeeping pattern of behavior. I don't know exactly where it comes from or why?
Obviously it can be handed down, but I don't fully even understand it's source or origin? I just know....it's really bad for me. My body and even my physiology tells me it is. Despite being a "homeless person" ...I feel better now, than almost any other time in my life when I was "in a relationship " that contained this particular constellation of behaviors that appears to go directly against ( or contrary ) to my particular make up.
I'm saying...."I" have a personal problem with gatekeeping...that doesn't mean it's bad for everyone...I can only speak for myself. It just not a good fit for me as it kills things inside my that create my "life force".
It's why I concluded that "relationships in general " are not meant for me. I've modified my opinion to....relationships with strong gatekeeping energy ( the dynamic force ) are very bad for me.
My problem it seems...I've never had one that didn't contain those elements. I think it's possible....to be in a relationship without those elements present. I've just never had one, to know what that's like at the end of the day.
BUT....I know this one thing for sure. Gatekeeping and myself ...are like oil and water. Actually...more like gasoline on top of water...one wrong move and it'll ignite.
If there's any possibility of myself ...EVER ...being IN another relationship again...I'll be looking very hard at these gatekeeping behaviors from the very beginning. One sniff...of gatekeeping...and it'll tell me...this person is simply is not for me.
If there's one thing I've learned...this one is it for me.
