Throughout our relationship, my husband has periodically fallen into periods of extreme personal dysfunction (during which he becomes withdrawn, appears to be growing depressed and behaves increasingly unkindly to me) which culminate in him abandoning his family.
It always looks the same — first, he gets really optimistic about his projects (perhaps a bit grandiose and manic) and things feel very exciting and happy for both of us. He becomes more social, and more romantic and loving. I start to feel like maybe our marriage is finally getting on track.
At some point, his demeanor rapidly darkens. He starts staying up all night and sleeping most of the day. He becomes fixated on a TV show, solo hobby, etc. and stops taking care of himself at even the most basic level. He is unhappy, irritable and argumentative. I walk on eggshells and do my best to hold things together.
I do my best to avoid conflict, but he continuously picks fights. If I haven't done anything wrong, he will do something wrong and then find an angle that makes it my fault. Eventually he snaps and tells me it's over and I need to get out.
In the past, I've taken the kids and gone to live with my mother. When we reconciled last time, I insisted we rent two separate apartments so this cycle wouldn't be so disruptive to me.
Well, it's 5 months after our last reconciliation and here we are again. Rather than kick us out, he's decided he doesn't want to see me or the kids for a few days. There's a 6-week project he was tentatively considering doing out of state next month, and the plan was that if he decided to do it we'd all go together and stay in a short term rental. Suddenly he wants to go alone.
We just got approved for a 12-month lease on two new apartments. We need to sign this week or forfeit a $1000 holding deposit. I feel like this isn't a coincidence; my husband doesn't handle stress well and I think this is the straw breaking the camel's back.
I realize this is a terrible situation and I'm not sure I can keep trying to hold a marriage together with someone who keeps dipping out. This cycle has repeated enough now that I recognize that it's not within my control to fix it.
My question: have any of you experienced anything like this? Is this an ADHD thing? Could it be a bipolar thing? I'm trying to understand what I'm up against.
Comments
Willing to do a work-up?
I’m by no means qualified to guess somebody’s diagnosis, but this sounds more cyclical than any ADHD symptoms I’ve seen or heard of.
Would he agree to a psychological work-up? I think with these consequences for you and the family, every possible medical option should be explored if you want to keep the marriage together.
Sorry, it sounds very hard.
Sounds very much like bipolar
I agree with Swedish, I am by no means a professional to be able to diagnose someone. But speaking out of my personal experience, I’ve been in a very similar dynamic with a person that has bipolar. And I know he had the same dynamic in his previous relationships. Breaking things off with the first sign of stress.. alternated manic/depressive states… sounds like textbook bipolar behaviour. Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
If he is not willing to get this under control, I’m afraid there is very little you can do to save your marriage. No one deserves this.
Sounds very much like bipolar
I agree with Swedish, I am by no means a professional to be able to diagnose someone. But speaking out of my personal experience, I’ve been in a very similar dynamic with a person who has bipolar. And I know he had the same dynamic in his previous relationships. Breaking things off with the first sign of stress.. alternated manic/depressive states… sounds like textbook bipolar behaviour. Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
If he is not willing to get this under control, I’m afraid there is very little you can do to save your marriage. No one deserves this. My heart goes out to you.
Been there
Why not move forward on your own and sign one lease for yourself. Tell him to take care of signing the other lease, or not, but you are going to stop putting your life on hold waiting on his decisions and will be taking care of yourself. What do you want? Do that.