Forum topic: Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control

I'm writing this to share some disturbing events and experiences I've had this week while on vacation and just before. I've worked this out with the help of an AI Chat program, that's actually been extremely helpful for me as a Journaling tool. It gives me food for thought when I'm stuck and keeps a steady flow of ideas and thoughts moving through my head. 

Before we left, on the very morning we were to leave, I stood my ground on something that was said and tried to create a boundary that involved our itinerary. I don't even remember what it was now, but it's not that important.  We weren't fighting, it wasn't an argument, I was simply choosing to speak up about something important to me, and I triggered my SO. This escalated so fast, is why I don't even remember the exact cause but..... she came straight at me and slammed her fists on my chest, then grabbed my shirt with one hand, got up in my face and cocked her arm back and made a fist as if to hit me. My only response in that moment was what I saw: "this is contempt. This is hatred."

I wasn't afraid, I was shocked and I froze ( freeze, fawn, flight ) and it immediately brought back memories or my past at home with my dad. I made that connection almost instantly and I realized what this was. Specifically,  it was the "threat of physical violence" as an attempt to dominate and control me by coercive means.

My SO wasn't going to hit me. I knew it right then. I wasn't afraid if she did, she really isn't that strong or intimidating physically.  That's not the issue, I have no fear of danger in terms of my physical body and it kind of fell flat on the floor as having that effect. I tower over her in those terms.

After spending the last three days with her extended family: her son, her daughter in-law, her mother in law and her father in law....I've witnessed and been exposed to a troubling, very toxic family relationship from living first hand under one roof and sharing the living space with them. I've relived my own past in some ways, yet this combination of elements is quite different. There's a completely dysfunctional dynamic between the mother in law and daughter in law, and the means of comunication seems to be through triangulation, channeled through the daughter in law, who dominates every decision made, yet, the mother in law is constantly ( silently ) hostile, and in competition except when she experts her authority. I've witnessed:" I'm the wife, do as I say! " to her husband, and "I'm the mother.....blah blah blah." It's dominance through position with a self righteousness attitude. And she gets whatever she wants, in that moment this way.

The daughter in law is another story, but all said and done, she has an almost militaristic heirarchal way of taking control at every turn, and deciding for everyone based on what she wants. Between these two...there's a very uncomfortable ( current of hostility ) and walking on egg shells that creates a silent response in everyone. Silence is created my this dynamic.

For me, it's been like watching my childhood now as an adult. I can see it in real time, why I learned to to do what I do. As a child, remaining silent was my means to survived. Now, I'm watching grown adults acting this way and I'm the observer. As I was growing up, sitting in the back of the theatre...watching these characters up on stage performing this scripted play.

And my SO, seems to fit right in. When I privately asked what's going on here...she replied " oh, it's just family stuff" and laughed it off.

There are no boundaries here with these two women.  They demand, control, and dominate by coercion in a reward and punishment system that seems quite clear to me now. I see it, for exactly what it is, and who's the ones in power.

I'm finding it disturbing, along with my SO attempt at coersion by physical intimidation, to get me to shut up. As I said, I was attempting to set a boundary when it happened and I'm now seeing.....this is a way of life for these people.

My SOs biggest change, and in our relationship came when her son and daughter in law had the twins.  When she started spending a lot of time in this environment, she herself started acting this way...playing her part, as scripted in this toxic environment. It literally shifted, as she spent more and more time with them due to the babies. 

I realize now, it had nothing to do with spending time away from me, or focusing her attention on the babies that's caused me to feel bad. Thus bad feeling comes from the fact, that she's defaulted to behaving like her family and bringing that home to me. That sticky toxic goo, has rubbed off on her which is most disturbing to me.

J