I'll just say up front, this might take some time to unravel. I don't like the idea that I have trauma bonding because it makes me feel weak to say "I can't help it", because something inside me is not in my control....yet.
In the aftermath of my breakup, I'm now getting a better picture of what "it" is and, as usual, it's not always simple but it is easy to understand once I identify "it".
I still have a lot of mixed emotions about what transpired between my X and I, but the lingering feelings of longing and attraction are still there. All for good reasons...except one. That, not being able to let go feeling that makes no logical sense whatsoever. Why would a person want to retain or keep something that causes them harm...even long for it?
It took a recent event to uncover what that is which breaks this all open bringing me the that ...ah ha ...moment. That's specific to me. This is where it all comes together and makes more sense for me. Sharing it may possibly connect with others....I don't know?
In a recent post about my sister, I ended by saying I accept my sister as is, I don't try to change her. This comes from a lifetime of learning that "love" is a package deal in my house. It basically says: "I love you, and I'm also allowed to violate your boundaries at the same time, okay." It's actually not okay but that's what "it" says. But it is, the corner stone to how I got conditioned to feel loved and violated at the same time. The violation itself is the insidious part I was referring to earlier. It looks like, and even feels like, the person is helping you, but in reality ( in my home ) my mom was helping herself more than anything...and unintentionally, but intrusively, walking all over others boundaries in the process by attempting to control you, even when it wasn't working.
That's the pattern...boundary violation = I'm helping you = Intrusive behavior = I love you = ambivalence. The effect it had on me was to accept package as "normal".
What wasn't healthy was this intrusive kind of, self righteous, kind of attitude that allowed her to continue...because of the helping part. In her mind, she was helping.
In the end ....what it did was make me adapt to this dynamic where a scrap becomes more valuable that what it was. Where warmth was metered or weigh against the negatives and this asymmetry...or....one sided nature makes even small shows of warmth ( vs cold ) really stand out and are much more intense feeling. I'm saying, this is the "it" part of the trauma bond as the end effect inside your nervous systems wiring. Differentiating this out is what I'm finally able to do. You can have both...love and intrusive control exist at the same time. One is good...the other, not so good...that's the key right there.
So recently, I've maintained distance and long periods of no contact with X. More recently, we've exchanged a few messages but kept it short and non-emotional. But more, I noticed the lack or warmth, the very cool tone and nature of her comments. It lacked an even a friends kind of attitude which feels very impersonal to me. Not what I would call "feel good" feeling for sure. I also noticed how I recognized my own feelings that had that "it" kind of trauma pull...for someone who's basically putting no effort in ...and now I'm having to work for "it".
Why would someone have to work so hard to get so little in return?
In reality, it's not all trauma bond either. It was real attachement, it was real ( healthy bonding ) and none of that ( on my part ) was bad. In fact, it was very good when it was. So this trauma bond is just a learned behavior that my wiring is set up to do.
There is a pull....( a feeling of longing ) ....and some of it is good and some of it is not so good. Knowing the difference ( and what "it" is ) has helped put it in its proper place, and helps me answer the why ....do I feel this way part.
My cousious brain says: nope....scraps aren't enough....even if they feel great ( intense ) for a while.
J
