Divorce has left me with a problem and I don’t know how to deal with it. Would be so glad to hear your thoughts on this.
I’m triggered into anxiety by presence of my ADD ex, his parents, and also my long time other ex who turned up briefly after divorce.
They haven’t been the worst people. Mainly they’ve been neurodivergent with dysfunction and odd expectations. The trouble is not the people so much as my physical reaction to them. I’m completely raw. They make me need to vomit, cry, run away. It’s partly shame, partly helplessness, partly anger. I’m terrified of how they trigger me.
Trauma therapist was surprised the other day that I don’t see or talk to the children’s ADD father at all (but she’s the one who says I have cPTSD). At first she wanted me to start co-attending parent-techer conferences with him, then when I told her I just can’t, she let it go. We after all have a functioning way of meeting kids’ needs (alternating presence, and texting).
There are parts of town I avoid. Today the man whom I’ve dated a few times texts he wants to take me to a place where it’s highly likely we’ll be walking right into ex’ arms. Also today ADD ex’ mother is visiting, only 2 kilometers away and my kids just went over there. So suddenly the trigger people are much more present than usual. This day has become very hard.
Of course it would be ideal to authentically not care much about these people but see them briefly keeping a polite distance. But I’m an emotional wildfire faced with them, there’s no possibility of this in the foreseeable future. And I don’t see their triggering effect on me lessening with time, on the contrary, it just seems to get worse.
Pretending isn’t possible either. I have no mask to put on to play unperturbed with them. Not only because I’m bad at hiding strong emotions, but also because I hate pretense in relationships I really care about.
Also, I’ve done everything I possibly can for these relationships. There are no solutions. So I’ve made boundaries to shut the people out. Of which the trauma therapist totally approves, since she says it’s unwise to remain under the influence of people you’ve been trauma bonded to.
So is exposure the answer? When all I secretly wish is to repair the fallen apart relationships? Because I do care about them. I loved them, I probably still love them.
Please, what would you do?
Comments
first thought
is to listen to your body. It is telling you stuff you need to hear. I would imagine (based on my own experience and what I know of yours) it's stuff you've had to repress and ignore throughout the relationship, and it's now out. You could try and put it back in the box, but that wouldn't be healthy for you, or authentic, and it would be reverting to an earlier, way of functioning that you had to resort to when in the relationship.
It is amazingly difficult to navigate- these people who are not actually terrible people, but who have hurt you again and again.
I would try some self-care to help yourself physically with these responses, calming techniques, mindfulness, yoga. But I wouldn't put yourself through anything by way of exposure-therapy; give yourself grace. It has been so difficult, it remains difficult. It is not surprising.
Thank you Honestly
That is so comforting. I really appreciate your taking time to think about it.
Swedish
I know very little ( virtually nothing ) about your family members, any details about them, or any other pertinent information to give advise...
But you invited "our thoughts" on this topic and boy, I have many!! Endless stories to tell but for now, I'll try to keep it confined to, and in relationship to things you said.
Even now, as I'm about to say what "I believe is true", I hesitate, because I can remember countless times, doing this very thing, then getting called to the mat and getting my head washed severely for speaking the truth.
A prime example and easy one to see this in action. The story of me figuring out there was no Santa Claus...then immediately going to tell all the niighbor kids my great discovery. Which ultimately led to lots of crying and angry mothers calling my mom, giving her specific orders to " tell him to knock it off !!"
Knock what off? Telling the truth? I'm posing those questions not because I don't know the answer. I do the answer ...and it's called "enmeshment". As a kid, I had no concept of what I'd done wrong or why I was getting harshly reprimanded? Now I understand I had violated a tradition by dumping gas in it and lighting a match. It's it what I specialize in! But keeping my mouth shut is the same as "knock it off" which I was told to do...by the gatekeepers of the all that came before.
What I struggling with is very close to the same as you. I'm trying to direct this more ...to simply understand why?
Why did I get thrown out in the harshest weather imaginable? In the dead of winter...with few available resources?
Why, when I went my SO's sisters house looking for help, help came as a suggestion: "maybe you can go to a shelter?" You mean, where the Schizophrenic/drug addicts go? Where that boot you out with military precision first thing in the morning? Where you have to sleep with one eye open, in case someone who likes your shoes will grab them first chance when you're not looking?
Why, when I being forcably exited right before leaving, my ex confesses, she enlisted the neighbor woman across the street for advise on how to deal with me saying " us girls have to stick together ".
Adding to this "us girls" includes...the subjective opinions of all: the "girls at work", her daughter in law, her sister(s), the neighbor women, and who knows what other "us girls" she's referring to. That includes her son although...not "girl".
So what we've got here is...failure to communicate. And me playing the part of Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke. If you recall the movie...he needed to get his "mind right" and put in the "box" to think about it for a while. Which if you know anything about the movie, was an allegory...to the life of Jesus. Jesus needed his "mind put right" too...because he became a threat to established thinking and societal norms at the time.
And even that comment about "us girls need to ",stick together " really resonates with me. I've personally likened the enmeshment feeling as...."a sticky, foul Smelling, tar like substance you can't get off you fast enough..."
Long before my SO made that comment. The "sticking like glue" analogy comes to mind. I can even take this metaphor even further..."tho when you try to rub it off...it just smears all over your skin...making it worse! "
This has nothing to with women or men. I don't think it has to anything do ADHD although...I don't know that there's not some correlation...I just don't what that would be so I'll just leave that open for now. My point being...I believe this operates alone...ADHD or not. ADHD is definitely not the cause tho.
In fact there's multiple levels of enmeshment coming into play:
Societal, relational ( one on one ), family, extended family, neighbors, co-workers, school, friendship circles...the list goes on.
So to put this succinctly...these collective forces or mindsets ...combine into one big raging super-ego all telling you what you "should do". And then judge you according.
And me with my mom:
"Who's this we mom? You got a turd in your pocket?"
"Who's this we mom ? Are you the leader of the band who's made for you and me? I don't see "JIMMY" written across your shirt?? Or a hat with ears on it?"
I'm not even kidding...these are things I use to say. I don't think my mom got what I saw trying to say. She was too enmeshed ...inside it...to see her way out or uberstahd the concept?
And me, I was just calling it as I saw it. I was more like an umpire than a judge. Strike 3...and you're out !
But the bottom line for me is the same as it us for you. This is a definite source for me getting triggered. It comes from years or someone trying to "get inside my head" with all these "shoulds" and "we" statements.
It's one thing to tell me what to do. I can easily say no. It's an entirely different thing ...when they tell me "what to, or how to think".
My current thoughts are ..."just fine thanks". And leaving it at that. The hardest part about any of this is....who do you get mad or angry with? Who's fault is this? Who's to blame?
And specifically....who do I blame or get angry with ...in terms of throwing me out in the cold in the dead of winter?
And to be even more precise and clear ....I spoke with my best friend growing up a couple of times this week. He said and I quote: " if there's one person I know who could pull this off the way you just did ( its now spring..and the weather has already changed into the upper 70's )....it would you." Coming from an ex Fighter Jet pilot, and captain of a commercial jet passenger plane ....I take that as a compliment...but more importantly...as my reply to him...
"YES! But they didn't know that??"
Which is exactly right. They had no idea that I'm "that guy". Yet...."they" did it anyway?
What does that say about "them" and this collective "hive mind" ? What if I didn't have all those skills, knowledge and experience? What then? Sleeping with one eye open in the homeless / Schizophrenic/ drug addict institutionalized baby sitting center?
I think not. But it still makes me mad.
Expectations from the hive
Thank you J. It really does resonate with me, that there are socially expected things that may clash with one’s reality going through a hard breakup.
One is expected to be amicable and reasonable versus one’s ex and their family. One shouldn’t dwell on manipulation, lying or deceit. One should make other people comfortable, creating no social obstacles. One shouldn’t inconveniently show the pain of losing one’s trust and entire world as one knew it.
As for you, one may be expected to simply disappear.
I’ll try to keep much of my issues contained, since most people around me don’t understand and never will. But the heart of the matter is what Honestly said. Having left the relationship we can no longer accept being maltreated whether it’s by carelessness, ignorance or dysfunction.
In fact, it’s spreading for me. There’s a powerful bully at work, a manipulative narcissistic person who over the years has made many colleagues leave in frustration and hurt. This person has been relatively decent to me as I’ve always been kind to them. But they still treat me in a derogatory way.
Now I don’t have any more compliance in me. They look at me confused, trying to understand why I’ve completely withdrawn. I can’t handle any more of their dysfunctional bullshit, that’s what’s happened.