Divorce has left me with a problem and I don’t know how to deal with it. Would be so glad to hear your thoughts on this.
I’m triggered into anxiety by presence of my ADD ex, his parents, and also my long time other ex who turned up briefly after divorce.
They haven’t been the worst people. Mainly they’ve been neurodivergent with dysfunction and odd expectations. The trouble is not the people so much as my physical reaction to them. I’m completely raw. They make me need to vomit, cry, run away. It’s partly shame, partly helplessness, partly anger. I’m terrified of how they trigger me.
Trauma therapist was surprised the other day that I don’t see or talk to the children’s ADD father at all (but she’s the one who says I have cPTSD). At first she wanted me to start co-attending parent-techer conferences with him, then when I told her I just can’t, she let it go. We after all have a functioning way of meeting kids’ needs (alternating presence, and texting).
There are parts of town I avoid. Today the man whom I’ve dated a few times texts he wants to take me to a place where it’s highly likely we’ll be walking right into ex’ arms. Also today ADD ex’ mother is visiting, only 2 kilometers away and my kids just went over there. So suddenly the trigger people are much more present than usual. This day has become very hard.
Of course it would be ideal to authentically not care much about these people but see them briefly keeping a polite distance. But I’m an emotional wildfire faced with them, there’s no possibility of this in the foreseeable future. And I don’t see their triggering effect on me lessening with time, on the contrary, it just seems to get worse.
Pretending isn’t possible either. I have no mask to put on to play unperturbed with them. Not only because I’m bad at hiding strong emotions, but also because I hate pretense in relationships I really care about.
Also, I’ve done everything I possibly can for these relationships. There are no solutions. So I’ve made boundaries to shut the people out. Of which the trauma therapist totally approves, since she says it’s unwise to remain under the influence of people you’ve been trauma bonded to.
So is exposure the answer? When all I secretly wish is to repair the fallen apart relationships? Because I do care about them. I loved them, I probably still love them.
Please, what would you do?
