My husband shared that he was diagnosed with adhd as a child. Our first couple of years together I didn’t notice significant difficulties, what I did notice I swept under the rug-mostly that he didn’t connect emotionally very well, some absent mindedness etc. But we appeared to have a strong friendship, he was kind, went out of his way to do things for me, fun, etc. Things began to shift after the birth of our second child about five years into the relationship. Now I can only describe our relationship as one sided and in many ways, emotionally abusive and neglectful towards me. I can’t sort out if this fits ADHD+RSD, autism traits, narcissistic traits…extremely immature.
My spouse doesn’t take responsibility for difficulties in our relationship as he externalizes it all on to me.
If I meet his needs he is momentarily happy but if he thinks I have wronged him which can be something as simple as I disagree with him or I won’t apologize to him (for something I didn’t do) he will give me the silent treatment for days. Yesterday it was my fault that he was hungry because he didn’t eat before we left for an event and this lead to an adult tantrum from him with swearing, yelling, blame shifting.
He is generally defensive or irritable. He says we have a lot of conflict which we do but it’s because he responds to most things with irritation, shut down, or defensiveness. Even things that should be simple like can you load the dishwasher or get your clothes from the dryer or almost anything can lead him to having an issue. I do my best to ignore his snippy irritated remarks that he had about nearly everything. I pick up a nice meal there is still a complaint. It’s exhausting; it’s like I can never do right?
He gets upset if he is interrupted. He will focus on “projects” for ours, days, weeks.
He will not often allow me to talk about my perspective, does not repair, there is hardly ever an apology. He will even discount my reality. He will gaslight me (checks all the boxes for this behavior on a checklist), project his feelings on to me, etc. He often seems to think his feelings ARE truth. I live in a reality where my reality is not shared; it’s dismissed.
Sometimes if I try to go to him for repair he will be like what are you upset about or he will say I don’t remember my doing xyz. Or he will tell me he doesn’t think I should be upset about whatever I am upset about. He does not validate or listen to my feelings.
He will say he is trying to work on our relationship but I don’t see how. I will tell him what I need but he won’t try to provide. Instead he will try to give me what he wants and then call that trying to meet me needs/wants. He is by default, selfish.
He has disregulated tantrums that are completely out of proportion to what is happening and then he can’t remember what happened or he chooses not to, but even then, he takes zero responsibility and expects me to apologize for whatever slight he thinks I said or did that lead to the tantrum. Even when he is calm he does not apologize, I can count on one hand in our years together that he has apologized.
It’s also not a give and take relationship. He takes but doesn’t give. He wants me to listen when he talks (for long periods of time) or help him when he is overwhelmed or calm him when he is anxious about something he thinks I did (but didn’t do). But he is not there for me. It’s like there is not space for me in the relationship. As soon as I have a basic need he isn’t available anymore. An emotional need-I’m too needy or too sensitive. He doesn’t have a large capacity for empathy. Asking for simple things 99% of the time leads to instant defensive response from him.
He says in therapy we never do anything. He wont plan or initiate so what he means is I won’t plan or initiate enough things to keep him satisfied.
He is quickly overwhelmed by the kids. I need to do most of the parenting. I have to step in when he becomes disregulated by the normal disregulation of kids. Behaviors he displays to me he also shows to the kids such as disregulation, irritability, lack of validation, etc.
I also do most of the chores. He is fixated on fairness even though I do most of the chores somehow in his mind he believes he is doing more. When I ask him if he is going to do xyz today as it hasn’t been done most of the time I’m met with irritation. Or how he never gets to rest or take a break; he didn’t seem to see that I’ve done 90% of everything that day and he is being asked to do 1%.
He only seems to connects with physical touch. He can’t/won’t give me emotional connection. He will refuse to talk about the things I need beyond what I want in the bedroom. Small things I have asked him for in the past he has now brought up as a sticking point, where I thought he did out of love for me he has resentment towards me. Examples might be let’s say he has taken my car to the shop or dropped off a package at the post office. He has now said that “I make him do everything.”
He is resentful. He makes hurtful comments. Compares me to other people in his past even when what he compares me to makes no sense. Like to someone who cheated which I’ve never done. He has double standards for himself than for me such as taking breaks for himself or leave from work but if I do or say I need breaks I am “checking out from the family.”
We go to therapy. He talks down about me, invalidates me even there. I feel unseen except for physical touch when he wants that. We did just start back up with physical touch more frequently as this has been hard because of all these challenges. He did recently start telling me he loves me again. I have had to share less with him to protect my emotional health; sad part is he seems happy with this. It’s like he is ok with my losing myself as it’s easier for him. As long as I appear happy he is ok. I’m sure he also has a dismissive avoidant attachment. All of this just speaks to a lot of hurt, labeling is just trying to understand. Trying to find ways to do something different. But he is not doing anything different. He doesn’t seem to notice that I’m sad/unhappy even when I tell him. ?!
So I ask, ADHD? Has anyone seen something similar? He won’t do medications.
