This is my first time posting here. I’m currently dating someone with ADHD. We’ve been together-ish for 2 years. The “ish” is because I didn’t understand the role his ADHD played in our attempted connection. He would disappear for months and I would assume it was over. But he always came back and acted like nothing had happened. I didn’t understand how he could possibly care about me and do that. But I somehow believed him and I believed in us. So here we still are. We’re finally in a more serious and a bit more consistent place. But he still doesn’t reply to messages for a week and trying to get him in person is hard. He owns his own business and is always overwhelmed. I’m committed to him and willing to try anything. I know that things will never be exactly how I want them and I accept that. But, I also need to not be ignored for weeks at a time (I know that’s not the intention, but the result is still the same). We’ve just started exploring tools to make it easier for him so I’m open to any and all suggestions! Thank you in advance!!
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This is most likely how it will be
I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think you should expect him to ever communicate more consistently than this.
You’ve just covered the honeymoon phase of your time together, and the odds are you’ve already seen him at his most atttentive. He’s overwhelmed with the business. You are kept waiting for long stretches of time.
An important thing with ADHD relationship problems is they tend to increase over time. And if you have ever considered having a family, please know ADHD overwhelm may go through the roof when parenting obligations enter the ADHD person’s life. At the same instant, as a parent you are trapped, dependent on this person forever.
I wouldn’t insist on this relationship. I’d consider very carefully what my needs are. Consistency? Children? Perhaps you have career plans, or social commitments, dreams of travel or adventure, or something else that you want to prioritize. Will those be possible in a relationship with this man? Will he be there for you?
Pursuing love for emotional reasons and with little forethought is the natural thing to do, Ive done it too. However, with ADHD the fallout can be so terrible. Please consider carefully if you want this.
Reconsider
Not gonna tell you what to do, but it might be worth something taking a few moments when you can to go through this site and even just the most recent community posts and read through the comments sections. Maybe even start with myself and/or Swedish's posts (you can click on our profile and read anything we've posted).
But again, not going to tell you what to do, but if you have weird feelings or something doesn't feel right after reading around on this sight and you can see/draw parallel with your own relationship, my best advice is to remember we (usually nonAdhd/receiving end of an adhder) arent the exception, we are the rule and your gut is always right and is trying to tell you something.
Just putting that out there.
Imagine you need far more
Imagine you need far more from him than you do now. Imagine you are pregnant, have children, have a mortgage to pay; imagine you are bereaved, or you have health issues. Imagine getting older and just needing a companion. Imagine that throughout all this normal life stuff, he is like he is now. You don’t even have to consider if he’ll get worse. Could you hack it? Would you be happy?
I wish you the best of luck.
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