It's been a couple years since I've been active here, but some stuff has happened recently that kind of drove me back. I was reading some of my early posts, and wow! It's interesting to look back at where I was only 4 years ago.
I feel like I have done a lot of healing and I am in a much better place emotionally and mentally. I can't leave. I wish I could sometimes, but my husband and I mostly operate cohesively since we're mostly on the same page with goals and values. I've learned to keep him at arm's length and keep my thoughts or feelings about pretty much everything (unless it's absolutely necessary) completely to myself to avoid unnecessary emotional upheaval. I realized he cannot meet me on the level I need for a healthy marriage relationship. His emotional maturity is decades behind me, and I can't engage romantically with someone who still exhibits so much childish behavior. Separating myself mentally and emotionally from him was probably the most healing adjustment I made. I stopped over-functioning. No more asking for anything or expecting anything. I don't remind him or bail him out when he gets himself in a bind unless I can do so without feeling stressed and overwhelmed about it myself. I don't cover for him or apologize for him. I try to keep as far away as possible from his emotional chaos. I know this sounds cold and uncaring, but I forced myself in so many of these areas for so many years that now it feels very freeing to just live authentically. I feel as healed as I can be without fully getting away from him.
I feel like my husband has made a lot of progress in some areas, and is getting worse in others. He's been very intentional about preparing our kids for adult life. His parents really didn't do that with him or his brothers. He's really focused on teaching them about finances and relationships and maturity. So far so good. Three of them have paid cash for their vehicles (one is still trying to find one). The all have substantial savings and investments of their own making, which is already much better than anything either of us started out with. Our oldest three kids have graduated and started working for him in his business, which we never encouraged or discouraged bc we wanted them to choose their own path. I had reservations about it because of my own issues with their dad, but until they saw it first-hand, I wasn't about to be accused of trashing him, even if my motivation was to protect them. At some point you can't say anything and just have to wait for them to see it and come around themselves.
My oldest son started working full-time for his dad three years ago. He's been 40 since he was 12, aware and very emotionally intelligent. He's generally a quieter kid, but when he opens up he will talk for hours. My husband presents him as a know-it-all with a bad attitude at work. But when he talks to me about his dad and the business, I hear more and more of my own thoughts, observations and feelings coming out of his mouth and it breaks my heart. He's already struggling and frustrated dealing with his dad/boss. I can't see him making it past 10-15 years if something doesn't change. He's running into the same ADHD issues, his dad's extreme RSD, and a work environment characterized by a lot of disorganization and chaos. When he started full-time at 18, he hadn't ever realized how hard I fought to maintain as structured of a home life as I could manage for him and his younger siblings in spite of how his dad truly operated. At 21, it's hitting him hard. We've had a lot of long talks and he's admitted to me that some days he wants nothing to do with his dad after they leave the shop, especially if his dad was stressed that day. The nitpicking, jabs, manipulative comments and chaotic environment leave him drained and needing a break. I feel bad that I can no longer stand in the gap when they're at work to shield him or help him like I did all those years when he was younger. I am afraid this will eventually permanently harm his relationship with his dad because he's a lot like me, and neither of us have limitless patience.
My husband's five year (financial) plan never got off the ground. Both of my sons say the business is disorganized and inefficient, and that he's the one causing those issues, which is ultimately affecting the bottom line. He still refuses to stick to a budget or track finances. He still can't listen to any of us without turning the conversation into a monologue and we'd better pay attention for however long he wants to lecture us or he gets offended and angry at US for being rude. He still uses coercive control to get what he wants from those of us that can't or won't stand up to him. He's still manipulative and lacks self-awareness.
So yeah. That's pretty much where I'm/we're at.
