Long after the ADD marriage has dissolved, I think about why it didn’t end sooner.
It seems common that when people have children, ADHD symptoms and destructive effects suddenly go through the roof. Trust goes. This happened to us.
I believe oxytocin flooding new parents is a heavy reason for these couples not to split up. As is of course the terrifying prospect of not seeing your baby half the time, having to give up the dream of a united family, moving, parenting alone, supporting yourself financially if you didn’t before.
And then, once a person’s integrity is down, meaning they no longer reflexively act to preserve personal boundaries, but to protect family, navigating life becomes trickier.
One needs to make the best of what one’s got. Which means negotiating, working with and wrapping oneself emotionally around a person, whose mind is incomprehensible and perhaps frightening.
(Are all minds incomprehensible and frightening?)
It looks to me like a woman’s fertility hormones might also make her more accepting than what’s healthy for her. They possibly don’t serve her as much as evolutionary goals. It seems common to break out of a destructive marriage in perimenopause, like a woman’s self-preservation takes the lead at this time.
And there are societal norms, too? We should be selfless, patient, not give up, work on our relationship? It’s shameful to have picked the wrong person? It’s shameful to divorce? It’s shameful to not be amicable after? And most ADHD marriages lack diagnosis, understanding and treatment?
Not sure I would or should have done things differently, or when. Just trying to accept where this is at.
What makes or made you stay?
