Forum topic: What makes a person stay?

I understand this rumination about how long we stayed. Looking back, it's clear I should have left 10 years earlier. For me, I think it was:

1. Hope and love. I loved him and I wanted the forever marriage I went into it to have. I just kept hoping that with patience and communication he would make some of these changes with me for our family. Hope is absolutely useless and I hung onto that for way too long. What seemed like attainable changes to me were just not going to happen (e.g. getting a diagnosis, helping with parenting, carrying more than 5% of the household load).
2. My personality. I was committed to the relationship. I was raised to not rock the boat. I have a high tolerance for hard work and for the quirks of others. This all worked against me. Another personality type would not have put up with 10% of what I did. I think the societal norms for women you mentioned come into play here too.
3. Slow creep. This is HUGE. When we first got together, hyperfocus masked many symptoms. It got worse and worse over years, but so slowly like the frog in the pot of water. I took on new stresses and traumas and responsibilities over years of time - had it happened all at once and gone suddenly from a good relationship to where it ended up: no intimacy, no time together, no job, no communication, no effort, of course I would have left earlier.
4. Fear. ^^The slow creep happened until we became parents - then his symptoms exploded from the added responsibility (as you mentioned in your original post). Once we did have a child, I couldn't fathom leaving her with him 50% of the time. He'd had so many mishaps and accidents that I was terrified. He couldn't even remember to feed her.
5. Absolute exhaustion. Even once I knew leaving was inevitable, I really had to dig in and find the fortitude to do it. I was so absolutely broken by carrying it all that embarking on something that would be even more work (even if temporarily) seemed physically/mentally/emotionally impossible.
6. The imbalanced narrative around ADHD. Let's be honest... the narrative is very much for the non-ADHD partner to lower expectations and carry more and accommodate and understand. In fact, we're even blamed for half the problems in our marriages, which... come on. There is little advocacy and understanding for the non-ADHD partner out there.

Not knowing we were dealing with ADHD earlier is a reason too. I'm not sure whether knowing earlier would have helped me leave earlier or not, but it may have because I would have seen the unwillingness or inability to address the ADHD.

Apologies for the long post. 

I've been working on this for a while ( years ) so I'm finally get down to it.

Confusing caring for servitude 

Confusing empathy with obligation

Waiting for certainty before leaving

High tolerance for asymmetry

Loyalty outlasting reciprocity

On the surface, all these are true for me in varying degrees. Some more than others but they're all there.

But underneath these, are the 3 parts that really tell the story ( of me ) and why that is.

It's not so much "what", but "how long", "how well",  and at what cost.

1. Advanced Regulation - I don't just withstand chaos, I stabilize it. It's a survival adaptation that became a skill. I can function in a storm, and endure long past the point I should.

   Because I can.  Not a good reason.

2. Meaning based Loyalty - I don't stay because I'm afraid of being alone, I stay because leaving violates my internal code of ethics: never abandone someone in need, commitment is sacred....no paperwork or ceremony necessary....which ties directly to responsibility ( to myself )

   This is not belief based ( religious or otherwise ) its internalized, intuitive, instinctual.

   Breaking this code - goes againat my programming which is very difficult for me to do. My conscience will make me pay later....but there are exceptions!

3. Narrative Intelligence - I contextualize everything with extreme accuracy, so I can see the behavior, see why it happens and extend grace long past when it serves me or better...when it's hurting me.
4. This is my specific pattern and these three are the drivers. Unfortunately, virtues are great, until they start hurting you. Those are the lines that are most difficult for me to define.

I have 8 days left, before I head out to something completely different, but hopefully, it'll be a place that fits, that's the short version.

I knew there was a reason for everything that I just experienced: how it affected me, why I chose to stay knowing, there would be an end. All I knew intuitively, there was an answer to all my questions or at least, the specific ones that I couldn't answer until now.

And I honestly think, that is why we got togetherin the first place. Less about the relationship...and more about me and how I fit ( or don't fit ) into system that I don't belong in.

The relationship itself was only a test. To see if this time would be different if... I learned to manage my ADHD symptoms to the point, I could be proud of...and to see how far I've come since I was first diagnosed 23 years ago. In most respects, I think I passed by my own standards.  

And right there, is where my lesson really began....and where I found the answer I was hoping to find. But the only way that was possible was to stay to the end of the movie....credits and all.

What I discovered, came from the most unusual of places. It was in a old cardboard box, tucked away on shelf with some of my things. I opened it just to make sure it wasn't mine.

In it, were a number of newspaper articles...aged and yellowed over time. The article was about my SO's mother, who I'd never seen a picture of.... only heard a handful of stories. She passed away over 20 years ago.

My SO had very little to say about her mom. Just bits and pieces, the story was fragmented and incomplete.

And as I am, I've got my card file...where unfinished bussiness or even a sentence spoken...waits until it has an answer. The sentence in this case, came from my SO a few times, right about the time I returned to this forum, and I mentioned ( then ) in passing:

"I don't need your permission." 

That's it. And a comment was made at the time that got my attention. It was in relationship to one or both of my SO's parents....as a place to look, at the very least. That was my clue. The answer I found in the cardboard box just a few days ago...in the middle of packing up my things to leave.

I had no idea at that moment, the news paper article  would tell the story of what has plauged me all my life.

I'll have to return to finish, as I've got more packing to do.

That was the front page human interest story headline from a news article I found in the box....dated January 20, 1973.

Here are the facts:

My SO's mom ( 41, grandmother of 2 ) recieved a $22.00 speeding  fine, for violation of the "Basic Rule" law in place at the time. 

She refused to pay the fine, and ignored the  judges advise that " jail was no place for her."

She chose to serve her time as a "housewife protest" to a law she "deemed uneqitible".

She was to serve a longer sentence, but after a week...they let her go for good behavior.

Quotes: "

"I’d do it over again."
"If I survived that first night, I can survive anything.”

Described jail as "a living hell"  Yet she'd choose to do it again saying " if we can get more people to stand up, maybe this way, we can wake up our legislators and change the basic rule law."

Thats the story in a nut shell. It went on to describe her experience with drug addicts and attempted suicide victims and not getting a shower for the entire time she was there.

For me, this echoed similar behaviors, not just from my SO, but her entire family system. But it doesn't end there...not by a long shot. Once I heard the story...I immediately connected to my own family, and many others like it.

 This article was like the Rosetta Stone for a family dynamic that is engrained into the culture and societal norms. Not only was my SO's mom's actions applauded, she was revered for her stance and position in the community. Front page...big picture of her mom, holding up the citation 

But here's what I see, on a more personal level. A woman who:

Principled to the point of self-sacrifice
Unwilling to submit
Publicly confrontational
Morally absolute
Not afraid to suffer and endure pain if it proved she was right.

That last line...."proves she was right"...to prevent from being "wrong". And willing to be a martyr, and suffer, before she would admit wrong doing.

I can sum this up quickly because I remember that time well, as a teenager who had just received my driver's license. 

At the time, Western US States in particular...had long stretches of open road and the basic rule was interpreted as "you can go as fast as you like, as long as conditions were safe." 

In other words, it was discretionary, based on common sense if there was snow on the ground let's say. And that power to make the final call was with law enforcement...not the person driving. 

And people were upset because the Oil Embargo and gas shortages where about to change federal laws, reducing the speed to a limit at 55mph nation wide. That became law in 1974.

So basically, no more "I can drive as fast as I like, and cops won't ticket me out in rural areas" to...the Federal Government is getting into my personal bussiness and telling me what to do.

Which fits right into "let's stand up and change the law"...so I don't have to conform or submit to anyone's discretion ( except my own )

"I don't need your permission" to speed...don't tell me what to do! 

Echoes of her mom....and the Heirrachal/Power dynamic underneath it all.

That's the system...the same one I came from and left...for good reason. It's a vertical system...either up or down. It competes for rank and order...either you're above or below me. And that simply doesn't work for me. 

 Relationally....I'm definitely horizontal and move laterally, not up and down. You are my equal, and above or below are not on the list of choices.  

You can see my delimna...it's why I don't fit into that kind of system even though....it works for a lot of people ( more than me ) and seem to do just fine with it.

I, on the other hand, am not fine at all within that world. So in essence, that's my personal problem....it not everyone else who feels as I do.  I'm not about to go protest, to change the laws to suit my personal attitude, just because I don't like it.

I could go on, but I think that pretty much covers it. I know now, where I don't belong, finding the place I do will be my next adventure. Where that is, I haven't a clue?

J

I'm learning a whole new vocabulary which is really helpful ( as I tend to overexplain! ). I was feeling angry this morning and here's why. I guess in part this is a need for support and a bit of venting ...and it has to do directly with this topic.

I've only shared parts of my plan, which is well thought through. More than anything right now, I trust myself, my skills and knowledge and above all else, my experience. Because I'm going to need all of these things combined to do what I've planned to do for a very long time. All I'll say at the moment is...it's a good plan, and I'm actually looking forward to it. The fact that this is nothing new to me, speaks to my confidence level. I'm not worried a bit about my safety since this seems like returning home for me. 

The main component is....( not just being a Nomad)....I'm taking that to a different level by establishing a "outdoor home" in a more a more wilderness explorer kind of way. I'll be solo....but not completely removed from supply options and near by towns. The last thing I need right now...is a "Grateful Dead" parking lot kind of crowd to be surrounded by....in what appears to be the high percentag  demographic of these Nomad gathering sights....drums circles and all!

Thats the very last thing I want. The priority for me is peace, solitude and repaing my nervous system and I can't do that with a crowd. It's just opposite of that.

So returning home to my safe place is finding dispersed BLM camping areas...where poeole are few and far between ...which is exactly what I need, surrounded nature....elevation is best. And the fastest way to lose the crowds is to go where it's cold...( just below the snow level ). There's no one at these sites at the moment because everyone seems to be going South to Arizona to live in a giant parking lot with virtually no diversity in scenery.

Bottom line, I was made to do this, it's not just in my core...but I've spent a lifetime gathering the ability and experience. I will have self protection as well. ( large critters....bears and cougers ).

None of this bothers me at the moment, l've got all my ducks in a row. What is really bothering me the most is the fact that ...all the powers that be, seem completely oblivious to the potential hazards which are real world. I would have liked several months to prepare...but I was given 30 days...by official notice.

The issue I'm having is this. Not only was I denied more time to prepare...the general attitude is more ...."can't you be gone any sooner? And why do you need any more time?"

 The sense of urgency....is not based on reality as much as a bunch dysregulated nervous systems. ( except mine ) My mind is completely regulated., my nervous needs just needs time to repair which is what the real issue is right now.

So when I woke up this morning to 18° degrees.....my thoughts weren't "oh no, this is awful " but more..."these people ( her family ) plus her... are more concerned with their comfort level....than my actual mortality ! "

 Like I said, I'm not worried about that...but the "moral disengagement " is disconcerting at minimum.  Disturbed is closer to how I'm feeling at the moment.

J