Normal Marital Hatred

ADHD & Marriage News - JANUARY 4, 2023

Quote of the Week

“The disillusionment phase (of a marriage) is critical.  It’s the stuff of intimacy.  It’s the collision of your imperfections and how we handle it.  Our culture doesn’t equip people to deal with that disillusionment.  It’s rough.  It’s dark.  I’ve run around the country for 20 years, talking about what I call “normal marital hatred” and not one person has ever come backstage to ask what I meant by that.”

-Terrence Real

Normal Marital Hatred

You and your partner are different, and it makes sense that you would get on each other nerves after years of living together.  Really get on each other’s nerves, at least some of the time!

Real calls this the ‘disillusionment phase’ of marriage.  Sound familiar?  The question is, what do you do with it?  Couples who are able to be kind and honest about their difficult feelings are more likely to be able to build the intimacy that gets them through these dark times. 

In my couples seminar I teach what’s called ‘conflict intimacy’ (session 9). The idea behind this form of communication is that each partner agrees to be neither aggressive nor defensive when they talk with each other, and to respect that no matter how much they disagree with what the other partner has to say, they have a right to hold that idea.  This form of communication takes practice (like any other skill) but couples who are able to master this conversational skill find their relationships deepened in spite of their differences.

When you speak with your partner, would you describe yourself as neither aggressive nor defensive?



➤ Begins January 11, 2023 - the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' LIVE 8 - NOW 9 session - Seminar - NEW SESSION IN 2023 - Dealing with strong emotions in ADHD-impacted relationships. 

This is MY premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Register and learn more.

For a detailed curriculum, go to this page.
- Recordings will be accessible after each live lesson in case you miss any.
- NOTE: If you're not available for most of these live lessons, you can register today for the self-study seminar option: access the material now and start at your own pace!

Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD


ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 8-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session STARTS January 11, 2023.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.


How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD

Downloadable chapters of my books

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues

A large number of blog posts on various topics




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© 2023 Melissa Orlov