Here are some phrases I would love you to pay attention to: “should be able to,” “ought to” and “have to.”  Whenever I hear someone say any of them in my consulting practice, I ask the speaker these sorts of questions:

• Why should you be able to?
• Who says you ought to?
• Why do you feel you have to?  Do you really have to?  Who says so?

What asking these sorts of questions often reveals is that feelings of obligation, social pressure and a misunderstanding of the boundaries leads to paralysis and unnecessary feelings of shame and resentment.

Examples from my practice:

1. An ADHD partner says “I should be able to clean out the basement on my own,” even though the task feels completely overwhelming to her…so she has left it sitting there for 3 years and feels great shame about that.  Her husband is furious, too.
2. A non-ADHD partner says to his husband, “you ought to be able to remember to call me if you’re going to be late getting home,” even though that ADHD partner doesn’t have a good scheduling system in place.  Both partners are frustrated by the miscommunications.
3. A non-ADHD woman says, “if you don’t call your parents to talk with them about this family issue, then I will have to.”  She harbors great resentment about her husband’s lack of action, while he resents her insistence he do something he does not wish to do.

The questions to ask yourself and your partner are, as Pal indicates, ‘given your current situation - and all that you know about ADHD - are you the best person for the job?’ and ‘’should I/we use our knowledge of ADHD to make this thing happen?’  

The resolutions for the three couples above were as follows:

1. The woman hired a trusted cleaner to work with her.  She decided what to keep, while the cleaner managed getting rid of it.  This solution used the expertise of both individuals at their best.
2. Both agreed that it was desirable to be in better touch around this topic, so the ADHD partner created a more robust reminder system.  The ADHD partner was the best person for this job.
3. I advised this couple that the relationship with the ADHD partner’s parents was primarily the responsibility of the ADHD partner, not the spouse.  In this case, the spouse was over-stepping her bounds and was not the best person for the job.  She needed to acknowledge her partner’s rights, and stop nurturing her resentment that his opinion did not align with hers.

You may be the right person for the task ahead…or you may not.  It’s always helpful to ask this of yourself.

 

Need help in your ADHD impacted relationship? The ADHD Effect 8-session live Couples' Seminar, via webinar, starts April 7, 2021. This seminar has helped many, many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. 

Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with me to support you during the COVID-19 crisis:

Mon, Apr 5:  4:00 - 5:00pm EASTERN
Wed, Apr 7:  5:00 - 6:00pm EASTERN CANCELLED
Tues, April 13:  7:00 - 8:30pm EASTERN
Mon, April 19:  12:30 - 1:30pm EASTERN
Thurs, April 22:  5:30 - 6:30pm EASTERN

Managing Emotions and Triggers In Adults Group - Starts April 21 - 10 people that meet virtually once a week for 8 week. Implement and practice emotion-management strategies so that you begin to integrate them into your life. 

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. Free resources for couples impacted by ADHD: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

 

Resources

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts April 7, 2021.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

Question? Contact Melissa.   

There is no such thing as 'do over' in marriage...there is only 'do better.'

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