Dr. Ruth on Seeking

ADHD & Marriage News - November 12, 2019

Quote of the Week

“I’ll tell you what has changed.  I get more questions now about people who, in a relationship, may be always looking [to see] if there’s something better…because of the way media depicts famous people.  People have to be realistic”

-Dr. Ruth Westheimer, in Time magazine, 5/20/19

Dr. Ruth on Seeking

Dr. Ruth has seen a whole lot!  The quote above was in response to being asked what she’s noticed has changed over the years.  It makes me sad.  While I don’t idolize the days when people stayed in relationships no matter how miserable they were, I do think that the siren call of an imagined ‘other’ damages many relationships these days.  How can a normal person compete with an imagined, ‘wonderful’ partner?

What does it mean to ‘be realistic?’  To me it means looking to see who you really are by examining both your own thoughts, and your actions.  You can think you are kind…or efficient…or warm, but if your actions don’t consistently support that, well, then actually, you’re not.

In the same way, you should examine who your partner really is, not the imagined partner you thought you had when you got together.  Some would say that means ‘lowering your standards.’  I would argue that means ‘right sizing’ your expectations, which provides an opportunity to simultaneously look for the positives you may have missed in your disappointment at the gap between reality and your imagination.

And that leaves the opportunity for appreciation, and love.


Want more? Read Love is a Verb and Falling in Love.

For those in marriages impacted by ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  


Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Registration for the next live session, starting January 6, 2020, is open.

Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.

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