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by: honestly -
This is all so familiar; only the details change. It is so weird to keep seeing the same patterns replicated across the world. I carried the whole show - kids, household, breadwinning, emotional labour - while my husband did his thing. His thing, after 10 years, finally made some money. I jumped up and down and hugged him and bought champagne to congratulate him, and told him he was brilliant and how I admired his resilience. Afterwards, in marriage counselling, he told me I had not been pleased...>>> on Forum topic - Marriage on Verge of Collapse-ADHD Spouse Digging Heels In
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by: Off the roller ... -
I think k you are mine and Swedish's long lost sister from another mister. We are triplets. I have so much to write bit for now, I want you to know you arent alone. I'm in the thick of exactly what you're going through. And it's so so tough. It does come down to closing ourselves though and it's so hard. I've been trying to point the finger at myself more instead of pointing it at my husband but dang, it's exahsting. We are on our 4th letter and this one finally hit home. But it was a doozy and...>>> on Forum topic - Marriage on Verge of Collapse-ADHD Spouse Digging Heels In
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry to hear about this. I note you’re the dependable, hard-working and competent one in your marriage. Is it possible for you to get your own income now you’re done homeschooling? 20+ years of marriage taught me to not trust my ADD partner’s earning capacity. The last half decade while he was mostly on sick leave or working a small percentage, we all depended on my salary. Now I’m trying to make it all work alone, which is terrifying, but still a lot calmer than being...>>> on Forum topic - Marriage on Verge of Collapse-ADHD Spouse Digging Heels In
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by: adhd32 -
Why not move forward on your own and sign one lease for yourself. Tell him to take care of signing the other lease, or not, but you are going to stop putting your life on hold waiting on his decisions and will be taking care of yourself. What do you want? Do that.>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in a cycle of abandonment
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by: lana25 -
I agree with Swedish, I am by no means a professional to be able to diagnose someone. But speaking out of my personal experience, I’ve been in a very similar dynamic with a person who has bipolar. And I know he had the same dynamic in his previous relationships. Breaking things off with the first sign of stress.. alternated manic/depressive states… sounds like textbook bipolar behaviour. Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If he is not willing to get this under control, I’m...>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in a cycle of abandonment
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by: lana25 -
I agree with Swedish, I am by no means a professional to be able to diagnose someone. But speaking out of my personal experience, I’ve been in a very similar dynamic with a person that has bipolar. And I know he had the same dynamic in his previous relationships. Breaking things off with the first sign of stress.. alternated manic/depressive states… sounds like textbook bipolar behaviour. Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If he is not willing to get this under control, I’m...>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in a cycle of abandonment
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m by no means qualified to guess somebody’s diagnosis, but this sounds more cyclical than any ADHD symptoms I’ve seen or heard of. Would he agree to a psychological work-up? I think with these consequences for you and the family, every possible medical option should be explored if you want to keep the marriage together. Sorry, it sounds very hard.>>> on Forum topic - Stuck in a cycle of abandonment
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by: hyroxismylife -
I couldn't agree more. The harsh reality is that ADHD-impacted marriages only stand a chance when the ADHD partner takes responsibility and actively seeks professional help. My ADHD spouse walked the same destructive path - he weaponized blame, hurled insults at my life choices, and refused medication while demanding I 'just deal with it.' As a non-ADHD partner, I had a brutal wake-up call: by tolerating this behavior, I was essentially signing up for my own degradation. Let's be crystal clear - while...>>> on Forum topic - My ADHD wife keeps insulting me and blames me for everything
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by: AdeleS6845 -
Relevance?>>> on Forum topic - Alprazolam 0.5 mg
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by: honestly -
With my ex, I’m increasingly seeing traits that look more autistic (and/or narcissistic) than ADHD. Eg autism: a preference for repetitive familiarity over novelty, sensory avoidance. Narcissism - very elevated sense of self-importance and seeking to surround himself with ‘important’ people. The notion that he would ever seek a diagnosis for any of this is frankly laughable, though; afahc, he’s perfect and I’m crazy for breaking up with him. It’s less of a pressing issue for me now that we have...>>> on Forum topic - Au-DHD resource request
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by: Swedish coast -
Your explanation of this is spot on. I think for those ADHD partners who aren’t successful in adjusting their behavior to their and their partner’s best interests, the non-ADHD partner becomes a sort of safety net. Either by expressing opinions on how to act in minute daily ways, or by deciding things, or by compensating by resolute action, or paying off debt for instance… It makes the ADHD partner rest (unhappily) in their shame. Sometimes I feel it’s the very presence of a neurotypical...>>> on Forum topic - Accountability for impulsive spending
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by: Off the roller ... -
Im in the same boat and also facing a child with autism diagnosis so I'd be keen to hear/see any recommendations.>>> on Forum topic - Au-DHD resource request
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by: Swedish coast -
Considering what C writes below, I wanted to clarify. There’s no point in creating conflict, and I in no way suggest unkindness towards your partner. However, a situation where she spends thoughtlessly and your subsequent emotions (uneasiness, anger, resentment or eventually panic) become the ‘brake’ for her spending, is in my experience terrible for a relationship. The non-ADHD person whose emotions are used for guidance by an ADHD partner does not fare well. So I’d firmly request that...>>> on Forum topic - Accountability for impulsive spending
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by: heisman923 -
Thank you for this perspective. I love my partner and can accept most of the smaller challenges that come with her ADHD, without ignoring my own emotional limits I know trying to “parent”her leads to resentment, and I’ve been working hard to avoid that so I can be a better partner. Where I get stuck—and maybe I’m wrong here—is that she knows she has areas to work on, like being more mindful with money, but does nothing beyond expressing shame. I can’t control or change her, and I...>>> on Forum topic - Accountability for impulsive spending
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by: c ur self -
I have read here for almost 12 years, (just divorced my ADD wife of 17 years) and I can't begin to tell you how rare your attitude (as it relates to your understanding of your husbands day to day reality) is...Therapist take your side easily because they aren't there in your home observing the interaction attempts, and both spouses deserve their total respect...(regardless of ADD)...Usually the non ADD spouse is the angry one...lol...I will give you some simple tips...Always love and respect your...>>> on Forum topic - Where to Start
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by: c ur self -
The main thing to remember here is: what ever you decide, keep a calm loving attitude, in order to protect your marriage relationship at all costs...It's real easy to get advice on this site...Many of us have been through the trails of life w/ the mind type you are dealing with...But, respect and kindness has to be number 1 priority!, even if you can't speak into this issue at all...One great blessing you have is her spirit, shame, remorse and seeking help/accountability vs defiant, blaming and...>>> on Forum topic - Accountability for impulsive spending
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by: heisman923 -
Thank you for the response. So technically, she’s spending her own money which is funded by our joint funds. Both our paychecks go into the joint account so we can pay for rent, bills, groceries, etc. So I don’t care how she spends that money because it’s hers and she should have the freedom to do whatever she wants with it. I’m concerned that the balance will continue to grow. The more it grows, the more ashamed she will feel. And here in the US, I’m pretty sure that any...>>> on Forum topic - Accountability for impulsive spending
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by: heisman923 -
Thank you for the thoughtful comments. We live in the US. She knows she struggles with this (which I’m lucky; she could be completely in denial), so maybe she’ll be receptive to using a debit card only.>>> on Forum topic - Accountability for impulsive spending
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by: Swedish coast -
It might be very expensive to let her figure this out for herself. I think cutting her ability to spend by restricted accounts and no credit is the way to go. Even if she has a diagnosis, it can’t excuse reckless spending of your joint resources. Don’t accept it.>>> on Forum topic - Accountability for impulsive spending
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by: MATTHD -
this was my marriage that ended 3 years ago. (i just found out she's engaged to someone else already) It is endlessly frustrating, indeed. I brought all of this up years before we ended up getting divorced quite gently. By the end, all i could think about was feeling violated by the next impending infraction of trust/broken promise. i think that relationships are based on trust.... how is it even possible?>>> on Forum topic - The nagging cycle
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