Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Help and heal broken relationship by: ESZTER 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Hi, All, 

     

    I am happy to find this webpage. I guess, my story here is a quite typical one. I have been dating a non treated ADD partner for several months (8). During which, we could really connect. We shared a lot of information about ourselves (inner wise): our childhood traumas, info about our parents, current anxieties, etc. It was going well, actually I felt safe and also supported. I could also give that support, although I did not want to jump in a relationship with him and I had talked about it at the begining of our relationship. He seemed to like the fact that we were taking things slow. The last couple of months were a bit tight in our relationship, as I was also going through some anxiety issues and I talked about them. It was tense but I thought it will eventually pass. My grandmother got sick several times back then and she was taken to the hospital. They told me that in order to take care of her, there might be restrictions if I did not get vaccinated (now, in covid times). So I managed to get it, although I knew this might create some problems with my partner, as he was utterly against it. Actually he warned all the people he could to not to take it. I respected his ways, I am not a pro-vaccine person but I took it, because I thought it was the right thing to do. As I mentioned it before, it was a tense period and I was also copying with my own things and these circumstances made me not to offer explanation about my decision to take the vaccine. There was this mayor issue with my granma, but I thought, I just got it and eventually we would talk about it later. Well... we did not. The day I got the vaccine and I told him (wanting to explain), he exploded and told me I abandoned him in his battle. Also that I put my comfort over his and he could not be with someone who does not respect his beliefs. I was so shocked I could not even react. After that, he hang up on me. We see each other several times per week as we trained together (he is my coach), we have a sport club together. First he was hostile, traying to engame me (only by texting) into his rage. After a while he changed and was nice. Now he is playing mind games by being nice (like: do you need help with this or that?) one time and mean, the other. A month went by. I need help to figure out how can I help and mend the relationship. I have incredible patience and I love him. I looked up ADD (he told me he had it under control, although he was not doing therapy while we were together). I have been studying buddhism for quite some time also and developed inner strength. I think I could mend it or improve it, if I had the tools and the knowledge. I am still thinking about telling him the whole granma issue (bc that was what made me take the vaccine and he still does not know this....), but I am not sure if facts can actually help. 

    Thank you for your help and support!

     

    Regards,

     

    Eszter

  • ADD wife- communicating w/ husband by: Unicorn44 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Hello Everyone, 

    Grateful for this group, it's given me perspective on how the non-ADHD partner feels. I'm the ADD wife, partner to a non-ADHD (logical, pragmatic,focused).  We have amazing chemistry, but I'm now learning that is not enough. My husband and I are very close to getting a divorce at this point. He can't stand to be with someone who can't remember conversations, doesn't know how to be present, and get's defensive when asked to do something I've been told repeatedly before. Does anyone know what effectively works in communicating w/ my spouse? I've tried ADHD coach and stimulants (he hated how emotionally blunt/apathetic I became)...So my questions are also tailored to people with ADD who can effectively communicate- what strategies made that effective? If it's not even possible, I'll get divorced now and save him from having to deal with this, I just need to know... It's not an anger issue for me, I don't get angry. I'm about to start Strattera, hoping that could help with conversations.

    Please focus on the communication as other issues are not the deal breaker- we both contribute equally financially, we set aside every week to date each other, & we're equally divided in the chores...none of this changes the fact that I forget details of conversations. I have no doubt that if someone were to fire me questions about my spouse, I would do a very good job of answering them accurately (he agrees to this). Despite agreeing to this, he repeatedly says how he feels like I don't even know him after all these years, feels like we're talking for the first time. It's like the movie 50 First Dates every day. 

    Thanks for your help, much appreciated 

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Loneliness, lack of patience, and little to no intimacy- ADHD Wife by: ceveland 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Hello everyone!

    My wife has been diagnosed, within the last year, with ADHD and various disorders associated with ADHD. We will be married 10 years this year and, like many in the book, have had ADHD symptoms and my reactions to these symptoms take a toll on our marriage over the years. Just last night, I expressed my need for more attention from my ADHD spouse. I was met with frustration and her argument that she has "been better lately". I am truly trying to be patient, and I know overcoming this together takes time. But the repeating feelings of loneliness, lack of affection and just not feeling at all wanted by my spouse continues to eat at me. I do not know if I need to do more to cope myself, or if I need to do more for my spouse, but it is as if I see her attention placed to anyone but me. It hurts, it is deteriorating my self esteem and I don't know what I need to do to make it better or to assist the process. What has worked for you? What can I do to help myself and my spouse? Should I just suck it up and be more patient? I find myself lashing out and becoming more angry the more I experience these feelings. Please help!!! I will do whatever it takes.

    Thanks!

  • Anger and emotional reactivity - untreated partner by: Rebecca Cresswell 1 month 4 weeks ago

    Hi Everyone 

    I am new to this forum and looking for any advise as I'm alone with all this. I feel quite lonely and have become low in mood and trapped with a load of bottled up frustration,  about my relationship.  I'm totally confused about the way forward and whether I can even see a future a man who I have sent with fir 16 years .  My partner is suspected adhd but this does not  rule out comorbid conditions also like oppositional defiant disorder  and personality disorders like he mental health assessor once indicated. .  He has waited 3 years for a diagnosis for adhd and had a final video assessment around 2 months ago. still nothing back from the assessment centre.  He is 56 and I am 41, 15 years ago I met him.  He seemed chilled out some days  but others terribly irritable and had intensely negative feelings if he was triggered he was volatile. I  had no clue to begin with why this was.  I find 16 years in, I am becoming resentful and low most days as I simply can't cope with his negative outbursts to anything that sets him off, the cycle of obsessive ideas and complaints and being overlooked has become too much in the last few months .  My partner is a strange mix, he is extremely clingy and hates being alone with his own thoughts but he can be kind, sensitive , genius and the Byers tiny bit Intensely codependent on me  too . He wants to be with me ALL the time and resents I have to work full time and currently am choosing to work overtime.    I usually keep quiet and bite my lip when he rants but he  just seems so down on life which is exhausting and notices the negative people in life  .  He always states it's the way I am and you just have to deal with it!  He usually has bad road rage or vents a lot to the TV holds my ranting conversations at night? . Not to the extent he would get out the car and hit someone with Rd rage, just really bad language at absolutely anyone that's slow or makes the wrong  move etc. He is hugely impatient towards anyone especially me. So I am always slightly anxious about doing things quick enough. I am recognised  how I'm loosing me and just trying to curb myself so he's not irritated most of the time!
    6 months ago he stopped using cannabis I was proud of him for doing this but in the back of my mind I knew all hell would break loose as selfishly weed seemed to calm his mind and dampen his anger towards things he spotted that triggered him like people's bad driving, people getting in his way , moving to slow, me doing saying the wrong thing and his dreadful impatience .  His symptoms of hyper focus, reactivity, moodiness , no sleep and constant spiralling  ideas and complaining at everything and anything take it's toll on me.  My partner can't hold down a job because of his reactions and outbursts to Management in places of work. I'm the earner and am working too hard and doing over time every weekend now  to compensate  but to top it off this makes him feel like he can't be a provider and not a man.   He's not interested in sex without the weed anymore he says he's depressed so it's an unspoken taboo .  I nolonger feel like making love to someone that seems to me so irritable, it saps my energy.  To top it off he looks at porn ALOT bordering on obsessional I believe? So I feel even more like there is a lack of connection .  I tried to speak about this subject recently and ask him if the there was anything we could do to change things? He just became annoyed and stated because I worked a half day on a Saturday there was no longer time to think about sex and I was always too tired in the week so he had to except this.
    The reality is at times at the weekend when I do try to initiate romance he's not into it  live making at the weekend he is nolonger driven .  He stops up until 3am every night doing whatever  and then sleeps in till 12pm or 1 pm everyday of the week.  He says there is no reason for him to get up at the weekend as I work till mid day so he then blames his lack of motivation to me because I'm working?? . Everything always rests on my shoulders never his which is why I now feel very hurt and extremely  indifferent about him.  He does have money and an inheritance so he is looking to set a business up but he keeps going from one idea to the next and never settles at anything?? He can be ve our outs to an extent although does not wish to spend his inheritance on bills really. So therefore I'm working more so that I have a safety net for me! 

    I I'm so tired emotionally .  I just want to leave in one sense but he's in another when he's calm and upbeat around 20% of the week (if I'm lucky) he's the man I love again.  I really don't know away forward I can't cope with his awful irritability and obsessiveness and problems trigger him greatly and we just end up rowing as he feels personally attacked.   Then I  retreat to being with my own thoughts for weeks biting my lip and my lowness has turned to depression? 

    as mentioned my partner has never received any treatment since a little boy. Can anyway advise f there may be hope for us with treatment? I am drained and feel empty . 
     

  • Helping my ADHD wife by: ceveland 1 month 4 weeks ago

    Hello everyone!

    I am new to this forum and recently started the audible book about this topic. My wife has ADHD and I did not realize how it impacted our marriage. It was as if the book was reading our life stories in how we both react to one another. She has recently started medication to help, but I would love to do more to help her. I have been a big part of the problem in the past and want to do whatever I can to assist her in the process. Thoughts? Ideas? What has worked for you?

     

    Thanks!

  • My husband and I both have ADHD by: MrsPedros 1 month 4 weeks ago

    Been married four years. Any other "double winners" in here?

  • ADHD husband and poor memory by: mysticlvr 1 month 4 weeks ago

    My husband has adhd. He does not take his medications. He constantly accuses me (and gets so frustrated/mad at me) of not telling him things that I definitely told him or claims something didn't happen that did. He says I have the bad memory. When I show him proof (emails with dates, screenshots, txts etc), he refuses to acknowledge  it and still ignores/avoids me. He sometimes says I live in my own reality I make up and he makes me question my sanity but I really do think it's HIM. I've been asking to go to therapy for two years now, or have him go, but he refuses. He won't take his meds either and doesn't want me medicating our son, who also has adhd.

    Advice? I feel like if we can't get past this, it could end the marriage. 

  • Dealing with Lies by: ebecoat01 2 months 15 hours ago

    So, for some time now I have been dealing with my wife and her ADHD. Lately I have noticed that we have been getting into more and more arguments by the week. The arguments always start off as innocent conversations. Somehow someway she redirects the conversation to something that has happened in the past. I'm not one for bringing the past up because it belongs where it is; in the past! When bringing the past up, the stories always seem to change when she she is telling it. She begins to tell lies about what actually happened and it pisses me off when she does it. She does this constantly and I don't understand why? Has anyone experienced their spouse and the lying?

  • Thank you for this website by: SJC2021 2 months 16 hours ago

    Let me preface this by saying I was a fireman / paramedic for 26 years and have seen every and any type of mental health problem known to man. Or so I thought. ( I have a son with ADHD and adult ADHD is a whole different ballgame folks , my ex made my son look like he was on valium she was so over the top).

    Folks I admire anyone willing to endure a marriage with a partner with ADHD. I recently dated someone with it and this message board enlightened me. I broke it off.

    Once the hyper focus wears off watch out. It was like a new person had arrived, and not in a good way. I had never dealt with anyone with ADHD and I was thrown for a loop.

    Inappropriate comments started about a week and a half in. Holy crap. I had never had a woman say those things to me. She apologized but didn't explain why.

    Time goes on and more of the same. Then I noticed she never finished her laundry. Then she would forget date night and run off on some " urgent" matter for someone else.

    She could never get her stories straight. She forgot Valentine's Day ( what girl does this lol ?) . She never asked me anything about my life. 

    The only time we had a conversation over three seconds was if it was about her. I spent more time paying attention to her kids  than she did at the theme parks. She was always on the phone looking at stuff to buy.

    She literally would check out every guy in the room at dinner. And girl. Anyone besides me while we ate. She couldn't stop herself.

    What I learned in a very short time, for those who may be new or pondering a relationship with someone with ADHD.

     

    If they do not take meds and see a therapist you have zero chance at making it work. You will go insane. 

    Run, don't walk. They can be sweet and charming, but once they get bored with you it's over. No amount of helping them will be appreciated. You'll be lucky to get a thank you.

    There is going to be other mental issues . She had depression issues as well from a traumatic childhood. And once it happens the treatment becomes very hard to diagnose.

    They will make you feel like you are the one who is nagging, the old " parent - child " dynamic. You aren't. 

    They cannot be trusted to be monogamous folks. Not all , but many. It's how their brain is wired folks. They need constant stimulation.....

    Which leads to horrible decision making skills and no impulse control. They will spend money on anything that crosses their eyes. I've seen it. 

    Sex is only if you initiate and even then it is unlike a normal relationship. I'll be polite on this.

     

    I spent months researching and trying to figure out just what the hell I was dealing with. She is a sweet and good person, but the ADHD will win out eventually, every time folks. 

    Some of you are living in denial, some are hanging on to a marriage with no hope. God bless all of you for enduring this. 

    I do not say these things to make you feel bad. But  one thing I learned after treating thousands and thousands of people who had various medical issues is this. 

     

    If they won't help themselves, there is nothing you can do. Look out for yourself. Life is so short. You deserve to be happy.

     

     

     

     

  • Medicated and can't control symptoms by: Jimmyg4309 2 months 2 days ago

    I am 45 years old and married with combination type ADHD with anxiety.  My marriage is falling apart and when we talk I can't control my symptoms and it is pushing my wife further away.  I can't remember dates and names,  emotional outbursts,  crying,  inability to sit still during conversations,  and having to take too many breaks to composer myself in order to try and have a conversation. It seems the harder I try,  the more I push her away.  Do I need more meds,  is this normal,  why does it make me feel like a failure?  I need help,  my doctor just wants to write a prescription and send me an article here and there.  I'm lost! 

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