Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Open letter about what I've Experienced, learned, and heard.... by: c ur self 3 months 2 weeks ago

     

     

    After 13 years of experiencing it, studying it, and listening and sharing with people all over the US, and other parts of the world, concerning the effects and dynamics that occur when certain mind types enter into a marriage relationship, my findings have been those that I have, and will, attempt to share as a warning, and as an educational opportunity for others...

    The dynamics that occur while attempting to be in a relationship (marriage) with most of these mind types, is usually so bad, that it will always be at the forefront of most all sensitive interaction, and conversation attempts...Many couples never make it through these conversations, or interactions, due to refusal of ownership, and negative emotion...

    Common behaviors that are highly prevalent with these mind types... These behaviors aren’t at fixed levels... Think of them as on a sliding scale, 1——10, and non -existent in some individuals.

    Control & Manipulation, many of these minds want desperately to control every one and every thing in their environment...Even to the point of out of control emotions...Without boundaries many will take on responsibilities, and never follow through, leaving already over burdened spouses with even more work...

    Self absorbed minds...These mind types world are all about themselves...This often leaves spouses alone and abandoned even in their presence, many treat their spouse and children as objects for their own entertainment...Many have a lust for self pleasure that severely limits their ability to see or care for the needs of others, especially a spouse...Many will work very hard in the presence of others (outside the home) to hide this aspect of their life...

    Hyper Focus minds...Most marriage partners have the same life stories with these mind types...”They were super loving and super attentive for about six month to a year, then they turned inward and I (the spouse) became invisible, for the most part I didn’t know them any longer”

    Little Patients, and little concern for mundane life responsibilities. This mind type has such a lust for dopamine/adrenaline producing activities, that they easily dump (without a thought in many cases) the mundane day to day work that marriage takes to hold together on to their spouses..,

    Anger outbursts.. It’s very typical for this mind type to have unfiltered anger outbursts without warning...Many struggle with parenting, and will argue with small children, and may say demeaning things about children, they have limited ability to see the big picture of life...

    Many are highly Competitive (even with their spouse) to the point it severely limits their ability to have a healthy attachment to a faithful life partner, many of many years..,

    Denial & Blame...This type mind will pile on their spouse in most every conversation attempt, but, many will never take Ownership of their behaviors. (It’s always someone else’s fault) Which only produces hopelessness...

    Forgetfulness, messy to the point of hoarding.., Many live a life that is complete chaos.. They will completely use up a spouse if boundaries aren’t placed and respected...

    Easily addicted...Hyper focus minds give life to each new shiny thing...It consumes them, at the cost of most any responsibility, which the over burdened spouse usually ends up cleaning up...

    Most of these mind types have all the same desires and needs as any other mind type, that is the under lying theme (reality) that keeps many committed spouses suffering the intrusive and abusive behaviors...

    The loving committed spouse usually goes strait to enabling, and carrying another adult (the exact wrong thing), until they become emotionally broken...Although some just walk away once they decide it’s hopeless...

    Many spouses of these mind types end up angry, depressed, and bitter...It’s the perfect storm... Why? Their friends love them, their the life of the party. They can laugh with and at them, and only see what they want to revel...Many are great with small children ( get on their level) as long as it’s play time, and not clean up time...Most normal minded people have no ability to understand that this type mind even exists, (if not been subjected to it) so most abused spouses have no one to share with...Many councilors who deal with it knows it exists, but they are very limited in breaking through when denial is present, many with this mind type will set and stone wall most any truth speaker, because it’s counter productive to their irresponsibility and their unwillingness/or inability (only God knows for sure) to own their behaviors...

    Many show no remorse, and no conscience...Have very limited ability to apologize or ask for forgiveness when they wrong their spouse... This mind type will always be great in arguments.. Many justify anything they do..,

    In my opinion there is only one way to live with this type individual and limit the dysfunction...That is with boundaries...You can force adult accountability with boundaries.. Never subject yourself to abuse or attempt to carry a lazy adult.., Once they start having to take ownership of their own lives, you find out about their heart...Never allow your heart to get hard, and believe exactly what they show you...You can never change another adult, nor will you answer for their sin...Boundaries will help over burdened spouses find themselves again, something that gets lost many times due to the chaos and fallout... What is impossible for man, is possible w/ God... If you are someone you love are experiencing the pain of relationship abuse, take charge of your life and bring it into the light, set healthy boundaries, and there is help out there if you look...

     

    c

     

     

  • I suspect my partner has ADHD, how to speak to him about it? by: nadia313 3 months 3 weeks ago

    We are in 2,5 years long relationship and we've been living together for a year. I've suspected for a few months now, that my partner might have ADHD. I've read so many different articles and the way he behaves and how he makes me feel is very similar to described behaviours. A few months ago I did a little "self-diagnosed-ADHD- quiz" while he was playing his video games, I was asking him different questions and all his answers proved that he might have it. He got furious that I am trying to diagnose him. I assume he would feel very ashamed to admit it if I was right. I love him very much and I want to do everything I can to help us be together and to be happy. I feel very lonely, unseen and exhausted as I do all the home tasks by myself. It really feels like a parent-child relationship. We argued a couple of days ago and he left me to spend some time with his family. I would like to have an honest conversation with him when he returns. I just don't know how I can talk to him about it so he doesn't get furious or say hurtful things. There is a chance I might be totally wrong, but I am afraid I am not. I feel that if he at least listened to me and read the same articles, maybe he would realise that we can change it. He blames me for being sad and depressed and annoying and he just leaves me on my own. And every time I try to confront him, he just gets angry and either breaks up or just leave me in the room. I just want us to be the way we were at the start. How would you speak to your partner about it?

  • Help! I think after 17 years I’m over it! by: soukey1107 3 months 3 weeks ago

    My husband has SEVERE ADHD! I also have it so this is why we have done so good for so long. I am and always will be madly In love with him but that doesn't mean I won't also be miserable with him at times.  We both started medication, with Adderral over a year ago. I took it strictly to get through nursing school. It didn't seem to work that great for me sometimes it actually made it worse. He takes it and said he helps him substantially at work, he very clearly speeds off of it me on the other hand I can take a nap and eat an entire pizza on it lol. That's great and all but work isn't the only place he needs to improve at although it is amazing to know he won't get fired for his mouth or doing dumb shit like driving a car off a lift or losing the keys to every door in the building when he was a janitor. 
     

    It's just the little things that drive me nuts that have slowly added up along the years. The constant misplacing things, the inability to remember jack shit, the complete stern dickheadedness with the kids, and honestly the hyper sexuality was great but we are getting older and my libido isn't the same anymore so it feels more like I'm constantly getting harassed by someone at a bar. Don't get me wrong I still enjoy having sex with him but when he's hounding me I don't even want to be in the same room with him it's a major turn off and he knows it. He also just asks the absolute stupidest questions ever! Especially when meeting new people or in public, like for example we went to buy a lawn mower today and he asked the store clerk "does this come with gas in it" the clerk was like "ummmm yea no it's brand new in the box there is no gas in it" those things I used to brush off and even laugh with him about but lately it's just annoying AF! Like come on dude can you use that thing in your skull??? It doesn't help that he's a giant pothead either so he's always anything but intellectually pleasing. That is what it is, his intellect is so lacking. We have never in our relationship got to have an actual discussion about anything that requires any kind of thinking or discussing in depth. There are also so many things I love about him but I am starting to feel all the things I don't love and am desperate to have. I know I'm not alone but I don't know what to do to fix the situation, like I can't change him I know this. 

  • Morning anger by: supcap 4 months 1 day ago

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  • ADHD partner always blocks me and breaks up by: Simona292 4 months 5 days ago

    We were in a relationship for 8 months; I know he loves me and I do love him to death. He told me at the beginning that he has ADHD, but i didn`t know much about it until today. The relationship has been milk and honey the first 3 months, then I felt a change and I started expressing it (now I see that I did it in a wrong way and he`s been taking it as a criticism). At every conflict he would break up with me, block me, not speaking to me for a few days, and it was me all the time the one that would initiate and try to get back together. Now, this is the 10th breakup where I`m being blocked from 5 days now, and I didn`t try to do anything. I am still waiting to see if he is gonna come back. He is a gaming addict and spends every night gaming, 6 to 8 hours a night. He has caused me to feel unwanted, unloved, rejected and he`s getting very rude and verbally aggressive when angry. The past 4 months we have been fighting and breaking up every week over anything, it`s been unbearable. I have been trying to discuss with him calmly and tell him how I feel, but he always keeps saying that he loves me, the next day nothing changes for good, it is the same routine that was causing frustration until then. Any misunderstanding we have, he is breaking up and if not, he is saying he doesn`t care or applying silent treatment. How do I get him to talk now and have a heart to heart conversation on what we need to change considering that now I have an idea about ADHD - but we both need to live with it and cope. 

  • I am DONE and it is hard by: I Wrote Myself ... 4 months 1 week ago

    Wow, I am so glad I found this forum. I can't even believe I am not alone. So many stories feel exactly like mine. My 6-year old was recently diagnosed with hyperactive ADHD (and other things) and as I am researching more about the struggles they have internally it dawned on me that my husband probably has ADHD of the inattentive type. My brother has hyperactive ADHD so I thought I had insight as to what it "looked like". I should also note here that my husband and I are living together but separated because of pandemic/finances/children (more on why coming). When I told him we had to discuss a strategy to explain our daughter's diagnoses to her (she was obviously very, very frustrated with herself) I described the struggles and description of the ADHD brain and he said, "Oh my God I must have ADHD!". This was a weight off my shoulders because it made it easier for me to let go of my resentment, anger, contempt, and to not take his ADHD behavior personally for all the lack of attention (I am not even someone who needs a lot of attention!), lack of attention to our two kids, irresponsibility, empty promises, messes, disorganization, lateness, forgetfulness, overuse of alcohol, meanness, anger outbursts and addiction to hobbies. It is like having another child and I hate what it has done to me and my own shell of a self. I also am very sure he has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and it feels like living with a mentally ill person.

    At some point a last year I did put my foot down on a few things for the household he needed to do and he has done them, some better than others. Yes, garbage is spilling over the sides of the trash can before he takes it out. But I have had to come and take of things when there was a lot of money on the line and I just wasn't willing to suffer the consequences of large sums of money (like our house mortgage). My daily mantra/prayer whatever you want to call it was to figure out a way to let go of my intense anger towards him. I am just so tired of being angry. He has been a good and relatively stable provider and has a good career as a software engineer but I often wonder what his coworkers think when he is oversleeping and missing meetings frequently. I have had many (maybe All?) of my friends in my inner circle and my family say I am a saint. I don't want to be a saint. My mother would constantly say I am a much better person than she is because I put up with his shit and craziness. He told me about a year ago that he felt like I should do the vast majority of the tasks required to take care of the kids and the household everything and he would just pop in here and there to take part in a few things. I am a stay at home parent and our older daughter does have medical needs but to say he should be free to do his own things whenever he wanted and only be part of our lives "here and there" was heartbreaking (and maybe is not related to ADHD at all). I was so upset I couldn't even continue to talk to him. But I stupidly made the best of it. I feel like I approached our relationship with empathy and forgiveness and gave him a lot of space and freedom to be the man that he is and love him for what he did bring to the table. But I have been suffering. 

    AND THEN to add insult to injury I got an email over the summer from a man saying my husband has been having a online affair with his girlfriend for well over a year. Sigh. This was not the first time. This was the third time over the course of our marriage (that I know about). I knew instantly that I was done with this marriage. Shame on me for not ending it sooner. When I approached him about it he was shocked that I was even upset. He said those women (ahh, there were two women at the same time!) didn't even matter to him. He said he didn't even think I would mind or be mad. I reminded him of the other two incidents and how I had made it crystal clear that it was not okay behavior and he was not to do it ever again or things would be over. I asked him if he didn't think I would be upset then why was he being so careful to cover his tracks? He told two other close friends that he really didn't think I would be upset and couldn't understand why I was mad.

    I am heartbroken for my young children. This marriage was dead long ago. But now I still have another 14 years of co-parenting with him ahead of me. I will say that ending the relationship has made him take his children more seriously and that has been really great for them. And I still have to live with him for the meantime and that feels unbearable since he is a terrible roommate. He still is angry and insane towards me at time and I am getting better and better at not taking it personally. Anyway, I have said enough. It is nice to just vent my story and know that I am not alone!

  • I Finally Did It by: HopingForChange 4 months 1 week ago

    Hi everyone! 
    Some of you may remember my post from a long time ago. I talked about my abusive husband's behavior much of which I blamed on ADHD. I have seen a few people post and do the same thing I did — assume the abusive behavior is an attribute of ADHD. It is not! I wanted to update you all and let you know I FINALLY left. I want to encourage those going through the same thing to leave. I'm in a safe place and I have a new, beautiful relationship. Please don't waste your time hoping for change that they are not capable of. Take care of yourselves! And thank you to everyone who opened my eyes to the toxic behaviors and let me know it is not normal and he will not change. 

  • The Struggle is Real by: LadyAkrasia13 4 months 1 week ago

    Hey, I'm new to this forum so I wanted to say it's good to meet you all. Hopefully I can find some advice from smarter people and give some to others in return. 

    A little background about me: I am a 30 year old female married to a diagnosed but untreated ADHD posterboy who I love more than anything in the world. I'm not here to complain or fish for reasons to leave him by any means. At the same time, I am in what seems to be the common place of exhaustion, exacpiration, old hurts,and cluelessness about what to do to resolve things and make life easier for both of us. 

    I'm currently about seven months pregnant with our first child, working full time in a low-income job but going to school remotely full time as well to finish my bachelor's degree. For about a solid year now I have been essentially burning the candle at both ends to keep our lives together despite barely making ends meet. My husband is a good man and he wants to help but struggles to keep a job due to a combo of health issues (bad enough to inhibit his ability to work but not bad enough for disability) and his mental health, including pronounced ADHD, panic attacks and depression. I have been the front line in trying my a$$ off to support him in his struggles there and doing whatever I can to try to facilitate him getting treatment for both his physical and mental health.

    Unfortunately, that is a struggle too. I can make all the appointments in the world for him, write them on a calendar and a whiteboard and put them in his phone, but 8/10 times he will still forget and miss it. He has managed to get on antidepressants and meds for his severe asthma but that has taken nearly a year to accomplish. I've tried to get him in to a psych but he's missed that three times now. 

    We also struggle with communication issues that again, seem pretty common here. I often feel overwhelmed and sometimes get bitter about feeling like I have to do everything myself. I bottle it up until I snap- that's on me and I'm trying to work on it. I struggle with severe anxiety and depression as well so it's easy for me to get stressed out and feel ignored/unheard/alone/not cared about even though it might not be true. His hyperfocusing on hobbies, emotional breakdowns, empty promises, irresponsibility, and not noticing how much pain I'm in cuts like a knife sometimes even though my brain knows none of that is deliberately done to hurt me. 

    I've exhausted the meager public resources for everything in our area and don't have any family or friends who can do anything to help. In addition, I'm a hormonal mess and in constant pain due to being pregnant and taking on the world out of necessity. I live in financial fear.and am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today, my husband mentioned that he might want to look for another job when he just started his current job last week due to the physical demands it places on him... I'm panicking inside already. He also just told me yesterday that he was suicidal for over a month last summer and lied to me about it the entire time. I know it was a long time ago but my brain still won't shut up about it. He is still struggling with his depression and his ADHD makes him feel useless - it's a vicious cycle.

    Do I even need to mention the dishes piling up or the state of the house? Ha, ha....

     

    I don't mean to be such a huge downer but this is a last resort. What can I do to help him with his ADHD symptoms, improve our communication, and keep myself from going insane with stress?  Thanks for reading.

     

     

  • Is he manipulating me? Nerves completely frayed. Please help. by: arspoetica 4 months 1 week ago

    Hi, everyone, 

    It's been a rough 24 hours. My ADHD husband was spending another day in bed, when I came in to ask if he minded if I put on some music in the house. He accused me of judging him, being angry with him, that every time I had walked past the bedroom I had made some kind of noise of judgment, and, somehow, that I was "always making plans with him" (I almost never make any plans at all because I self-isolate because of the pressure of this marriage). I was already so tense because I was upset that he was sleeping through another day, after we had again recommitted ourselves to him getting on a healthier sleeping schedule. So when he said that I am "selfish" and accused me of saying things I had never said, I was done. Every waking and non-waking hour of my life is devoted to caring for him and helping us survive his ADHD, which keeps him from working consistently, accomplishing any tasks, and just being reliable, being healthy. I said I didn't want to be married anymore, and I meant it. I spent the rest of the day in bed--me for the first time in years being the one to let their emotions run the show, to cry and cry and cry. Eventually he comes in to the bedroom and puts on his only suit. He says, "I want to say one last thing to you, that I'm sorry for ruining your life." I knew what was happening immediately. I got up and followed him. He had written suicide notes and put a bullet in his rifle. He said he'd already come inside once--meaning he'd already changed his mind once that day, but he wouldn't this time. I was able to get him away from the weapon. We sat together for a long time and I told him I loved him more than anything and would never leave him, that I never wanted to be apart, and listened to him say all the things that made him "make this decision." It was the worst thing I've ever gone through, but eventually it worked and he said he didn't want to die, he just didn't want to be without me. He repeated it again this morning--that he would never have gone that far if I hadn't said I wanted a divorce. 

    So what am I supposed to do now? If things really could get better for him, if he really can be the man he wants to be, then I would want to stay married. But I also know that I didn't get to make a decision in the end. That I had to say all of these things about our future together because he was threatening to kill himself. So what's true? Do I want to stay together or not--and do I even have a choice? I feel completely trapped. And I'm not sure if he was intentionally manipulating me into staying with him, or if he genuinely would have done it if I hadn't stopped him. I don't know how to live with any of that. I'm posting this here because literally all of this is coming from his ADHD--he brought up all of his symptoms when talking about why he was done with life. The self-hate, the frustration, the feeling of being totally useless and destructive, all of that is caused by his ADHD. But ultimately he said it was me saying I was done with the marriage that was singularly responsible for his going as far as he did. Is he manipulating me or does he mean this? Isn't unintentionally manipulating people part of what others have experienced with ADHD marriages? I love him but I feel completely trapped by this, and I don't know what to do. If only there was a way to help him deal with his ADHD, he would have some self-respect and independence and he would rely on me less. But nothing has worked. Nothing. He sees two therapists and a doctor who prescribes his medications, and nothing has worked. He still stays up all night and sleeps all day, leaves projects sitting for two years after he begins, and he tries to be helpful around the house and change his habits for the better but it never lasts. If only he could find some real help with this, some strategies that really work for him to live with this thing, it's the only way things will be ok. But I don't know anymore how to help, or what my role can even be. I just wish that he would take control of his own care, but now we know what happens when he wants to take control. And he doesn't want me to even call his doctors. Where do I go from here? 

  • ADHD spouse is an emotionally distant parent by: LuneVerte 4 months 2 weeks ago

    I've been married to my ADHD spouse for about 15 years. I definitely have my own individual frustrations as a spouse but this is about my husband as a dad. We have a 10 year old daughter, and he is definitely present in terms of things like taking her to lessons after school, making dinner, helping with homework, etc. So I don't want to give the impression that he is totally checked out. But it feels like, as she gets older and develops her own personality and interests, he is simply bored and/or annoyed by her, unless they are doing something he likes. They spend time together doing HIS things - watching movies he likes, listening to music he likes, playing the sports he likes. She cannot share her interests with him. He will not spend time on her interests, and even subtly expresses that they are frivolous. This absolutely crushes me, and despite conversations, it's not getting better. Any time I convince him to do something like play a board game with us, he looks like he's in pain. We even went to Disney World without him, because he wasn't interested. I just don't know what to do. He seems to think that grudgingly spending time with us before going back to playing on his phone is enough.  I don't want her to learn that this is what men are like. I need help. 

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