Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Advice by: Viago379 5 months 2 weeks ago

    I've  with my bf over 2 years and he has A.D.D, not ADHD because they are different he tells me. I am the sole cause of all of his problems. I walk around on egg shells all the time because if i say anything with attitude or pulling my face, thats it im broken and defective because i dont understand his issues, my brother has ADHD so I've experienced it before. I have a bad attutude, i dont listen, i belittle him, i ignore him, I've forced him to think of suicide. Its now become physical and he strangled me recently bacause i moved something of his, and he immediately said he didn't strangle me despite marks on my neck. I cant cope, no matter what i do its wrong or  ive done it on purpose to trigger an argument. I was in an abusive  relationship for nearly 20 years before him so i recognise the signs but it makes him worse when i mention his behaviour, but i caused him to react this way. He hasnt had Ritalin in 4 years, refusing counselling because i cause his problems. I'm now at the point where i need to leave or i will seriously hurt him. Im terrified every day. This can't  be normal surely?

  • Divorce, separation, desperation by: kal11 5 months 2 weeks ago

    I am 30 with a one year old, my husband has adhd recently on meds and diagnosed. I am struggling, I am now back to work, I have a young baby and I don't see any progress. My husband thinks the pills are his way of changing and making an effort when there are so many other things that need to be addressed for our marriage to succeed. He makes impulsive decisions, I am always the responsible one picking up the pieces and I'm burning out especially when I want to focus on caring for my baby not my husband. He thinks I'm a raging bitch and always pointing how his flaws. I don't know what to do he lacks insight so if I don't bring things up he doesn't even know they are a problem but if I bring them up he gets pissed. We're at a cross roads. I don't know how to get through to him, I know he loves me and loves our son but I can't live like this anymore. We are planning to separate but I am so upset and mad and sad that my son is going to have to go through this I don't have anyone to talk to about divorce and separation with a one year old, I feel so lost and unsure how to protect my self, and my son from the sadness and confusion. I want to just fake it and pretend everything is fine so I don't have to be away from my son or deal with the consequences of a separation or divorce like our house, jobs finances, it's so overwhelming, any advice? 

  • Complexities. by: fred108 5 months 3 weeks ago

    Hi,

    It appears that most blogs etc including many books around ADHD rarely include the more complex situations where both partners suffer from ADHD or the non ADHD party another condition such as PTSD or Complex PTSD.

    I find that the non-ADHD party in these cases often go to town with the negatives such as them having to do parenting in the relationship, denial etc. and use these negatives, unintentionally,  to the detriment of the relationship. It becomes increasingly difficult to manage for the ADHD party who is like a sitting duck, stated to be in denial. Often in family situations, feedback from others, such as children or close friends, discredit these  actions from the non ADHD party. This then fuels the fire of the ADHD party's perception of the non-ADHD party desperate need to be in control resulting in lack of respect between the partners. Often unintentional selective reading by either party of ADHD books and publications argues their case.
    When this escalates, it then becomes increasingly difficult to sustain a relationship. Of course therapists will either have to do couple counseling and understand the complexities which often can only be managed on individual level. It makes for a long and hard journey no matter what.  Perhaps there are other souls who have similar situations. Thanks in advance for any response at all.

  • Emotional immaturity by: Brindle 5 months 3 weeks ago

    I've been trying to wrestle this beast that is my marriage, my relationship.  When I found out about adhd, I felt relief.  I had read all kinds of marriage books but none of them hit home.  And then I found books about adhd by multiple authors who all somehow knew the weird land I lived in, who could describe the things that left me holding all the responsibilities.

    But there was still more, and I could feel it.  His way of being wasn't entirely adhd.

    Recently I came upon a blog about emotionally immature people in risky situations.  How they make poor team members.  The blog post mentioned a book about emotionally immature people, so I checked out the book (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson).  The behaviors, the thinking patterns, the avoidance of emotions, etc, of an emotionally immature adult that are laid out in her book strikingly accurately describe my husband.  (And they line up with the posts here of so many other posters, so if this intrigues you at all, please check it out.) 

    Putting these together, adhd and emotional immaturity, really is a very poor combination.  Indeed, some of the traits overlap.  And possibly compound!  One such area is the poor ability to self-examine or self-assess.  Gibson said more than once that they can mature, but they won't do so until they can see their behaviors, and many never see them.

    What a double whammy.

    Her book helped so much that I got the second one about recovering from emotionally immature adults.  Both books are from the viewpoint that you're the adult child of emotionally immature parents, but I find them very helpful as a spouse of an emotionally immature adult.  Her books show that not having these emotional skills damages and hampers every relationship they have.  

    So I'm reading Codependent No More again. I never got all the way through it because last time I was still so consumed with him and his problems that I felt frustrated with the book.  Isn't that so very funny?  Feel free to laugh; I did!

    I'm so tired of thinking about my marriage and having so much space in my head be taken up by this man and this dynamic.  I've grown and learned a number of things already over these last several years, but it's time to let go of some things.  It is time to start truly investing into myself, which I find so hard to do.  

     

     

  • So much work by: Dagmar 5 months 3 weeks ago

    A couple of days ago my internet was shut off.  It is at least the 3rd time this year and the second time since July when I dipped into my retirement to pay off the $12,000 in credit card bills that my husband had run up in 6 months.   Now, the reason the credit card bills were so high is because when he would get paid, he wouldn't pay the bills because he was "worried he'd need the cash for an emergency."   Then when the bills were due, he would have to put them on the credit card. Part of the deal when I took out the money was that he would set a budget and set his bills to get paid automatically on the day he got paid.   He said he did.  I followed up and talked to him about it, then the last time the internet was shut off he said he "didn't know what had happened" and would fix it. 

    During the argument about this, I then discovered he had been dipping into MY personal bank account and not telling me.  He swears he told me about the one time (for his car payment) but he definitely didn't the second time, and he agrees with me on that.   To be fair, he knew it was stimulus check money and technically his as well as mine.   But to be fair to me, the reason it was in my personal account is because I didn't want him to dip in and use that money for bills that could have been paid if he had been responsible, or pot.  Which is what he took the money for.  His car payment and pot.  And of course during the ensuing huge blow out he set up the auto payments, and agreed that it was a huge violation to go into my personal bank account for any reason.  (He can access it because it's linked to the joint account in the bill pay system for our bank.)  He thinks that setting up the payments and apologizing to me have fixed everything.  He's bopping around the house like everything is great and I'm wondering if I've had enough and if I should divorce him so that I can not starve to death in my old age.   We have been together since 1996, and time has shown that all the things I tried to do financially over the years would have made us rich by now (our neighborhood had loads of really cheap houses when we moved here and I wanted to buy more, but as you can see, I can't keep a penny in savings.  Now those houses I tried to buy for $20,000 to $40,000 are literally selling for 10x as much, unimproved.)   Unfortunately, right now I can't work because the schools are closed because of covid and someone has to homeschool our two elementary-aged kids.

    But the reason I am posting right now is from what happened the next day.  I was telling my friend about the situation and explaining for the millionth time that all this stuff is typical ADHD behavior.  Putting things off (setting the autopayments), Impulsivity (dipping into MY bank account), shame (not telling me), but I did agree with her that he is a grown-ass man and should be taking care of this stuff himself. She asked how much longer I was going to deal with this, then she dropped the bomb on me. 

    She is in a number of support groups for the parents of children with Autism.  Recently someone she knows through there decided to put her adult son with autism into assisted living.  Why?  Because even though he can hold a job and make money to support himself, he can't be counted on to consistently:

    Wake himself up in the morning
    Get to places on time
    Buy clothing and groceries
    Practice good hygiene
    Clean up after himself
    Be responsible with his money

    I forget what else was in the list, but as she pointed out, it was pretty much what my marriage looks like.   He goes to work, but does absolutely nothing else that's responsible unless I tell him.  He is currently growing a beard because I honestly think that shaving only twice a week is making him look really unkempt and must be hurting him professionally. 

    My friend was like "This is too much for you, this mom is putting her high-functioning disabled son into assisted living because it is too much for her to do everything you do for your husband." 

    And she's right.  It's so much.  I feel like I have three children, but one can just go out and buy a car if he feels like it and then I'm the one who has to figure out how to pay for it.   Thoughts?

     

  • Can I get help?? by: DaveinNIdaho 5 months 3 weeks ago

    My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am  married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to  her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing. I could not EVER figure out when she would cry and beg me to help or be nice in these situations, and I was flippant. As I look back, I was the champion jerk. I would always say to her later how much I love her, care for her, and love our kids, but for the life of me NOT figure out why I  could be so heartless. Did I mention that K is incredible? We have always been honest, true, and trusting with each other, so no other outside influences...just me. 

    We decided to see a counselor who is an expert in marriage, and I found last night an expert in ADHD. I have been in a middle school teacher for 24 years, I knew I had it...my report cards showed it. My nine year old now has it too. My point? I had to idea until last night there was a correlation between my ADHD and my lack of husbandry/fatherly behavior. I am not diagnosed, I  just  know since I  have filled out millions of forms, had trainings, and thousands of kids in my class. I am a the poster adult for this...and I have always been upbeat and positive about having ADHD. Not any more.

    Last night, after the counselor suggested, or stated, that this condition of ours has had a DIRECT correlation to us. I found you all today. After reading MANY of the posts, situations, stories you could just plug our names into many of them....it is us. I am happy to know this, but EXTREMELY SCARED and worried I have pushed my wife over the edge. I have self medicated for years.....beer, wine, marijuana. It helped a lot. I was never fall down bad, never slurred, always happy/content....BUT I found, after talking six months ago with my wife, that I was always checked out, not 'present' enough to  be emotionally involved in my family. My wife did it all.....I worked, coached and reffed wrestling, and whatever else I THOUGHT was what I should be doing. ANY TIME she would so sweetly bring up anything-kids, money, work, childcare- I would get defensive, rude, mean, and she would cry. I never knew why I would do that to her...to my love, my everything...she is my best friend.

    I have changed over the last five months. I have read books on why I am a terrible husband. I have read books on how I  have hurt and crushed my wife's spirit and esteem. I have not had one drink, pill, smoke, NOTHING. I have begun meditation for about two weeks now. All of this has helped. No more lies, empty  promises, lip service. My wife needs me to prove to her how much I  love and care for her and my two beautiful girls. I know she is hurt IMMENSELY......really bad. 

    What I want to know....be honest...non ADHD people...when she says show her and work for her to prove this....do you have advice? She said the last four months have been amazing, but when she sees me or we talk, she slides back into that hell and pain. I am living somewhere else for the month of February for her to begin healing and for me to continue to work on myself. We  just want advice from people LIKE me and from people who live with partners like me, that KNOW our daily struggles?  She is done with the lip service and the longevity of my actions will  be the factor. Are there signs or factors for me to be on the lookout for? I want to be the one who puts in ALL of the work.....It is time for ME to feel it and let her heal. 

    I cannot lose my wife and family now....I see it! I get it. I hope it isn't too late.

    Thank you ahead of time for any feedback....

    Dave

  • I need some help please.... by: DaveinNIdaho 5 months 3 weeks ago

    My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am  married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to  her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing. I could not EVER figure out when she would cry and beg me to help or be nice in these situations, and I was flippant. As I look back, I was the champion jerk. I would always say to her later how much I love her, care for her, and love our kids, but for the life of me NOT figure out why I  could be so heartless. Did I mention that K is incredible? We have always been honest, true, and trusting with each other, so no other outside influences...just me. 

    We decided to see a counselor who is an expert in marriage, and I found last night an expert in ADHD. I have been in a middle school teacher for 24 years, I knew I had it...my report cards showed it. My nine year old now has it too. My point? I had to idea until last night there was a correlation between my ADHD and my lack of husbandry/fatherly behavior. I am not diagnosed, I  just  know since I  have filled out millions of forms, had trainings, and thousands of kids in my class. I am a the poster adult for this...and I have always been upbeat and positive about having ADHD. Not any more.

    Last night, after the counselor suggested, or stated, that this condition of ours has had a DIRECT correlation to us. I found you all today. After reading MANY of the posts, situations, stories you could just plug our names into many of them....it is us. I am happy to know this, but EXTREMELY SCARED and worried I have pushed my wife over the edge. I have self medicated for years.....beer, wine, marijuana. It helped a lot. I was never fall down bad, never slurred, always happy/content....BUT I found, after talking six months ago with my wife, that I was always checked out, not 'present' enough to  be emotionally involved in my family. My wife did it all.....I worked, coached and reffed wrestling, and whatever else I THOUGHT was what I should be doing. ANY TIME she would so sweetly bring up anything-kids, money, work, childcare- I would get defensive, rude, mean, and she would cry. I never knew why I would do that to her...to my love, my everything...she is my best friend.

    I have changed over the last five months. I have read books on why I am a terrible husband. I have read books on how I  have hurt and crushed my wife's spirit and esteem. I have not had one drink, pill, smoke, NOTHING. I have begun meditation for about two weeks now. All of this has helped. No more lies, empty  promises, lip service. My wife needs me to prove to her how much I  love and care for her and my two beautiful girls. I know she is hurt IMMENSELY......really bad. 

    What I want to know....be honest...non ADHD people...when she says show her and work for her to prove this....do you have advice? She said the last four months have been amazing, but when she sees me or we talk, she slides back into that hell and pain. I am living somewhere else for the month of February for her to begin healing and for me to continue to work on myself. We  just want advice from people LIKE me and from people who live with partners like me, that KNOW our daily struggles?  She is done with the lip service and the longevity of my actions will  be the factor. Are there signs or factors for me to be on the lookout for? I want to be the one who puts in ALL of the work.....It is time for ME to feel it and let her heal. 

    I cannot lose my wife and family now....I see it! I get it. I hope it isn't too late.

    Thank you ahead of time for any feedback....

    Dave

     

    PS- I am only 11% of the way through your book Melissa, and I can just see my wife and I in all of this.....

     

  • Break Up (ADHD) by: adhdquestion 6 months 4 days ago

    I'm 34 and my partner of 3 years and I have decided to separate. She is 31 and has recently been diagnosed with combined ADHD. 99% of the time,I have never met a more lovely, kind, caring, beautiful girl in my life. It's the 1% that was the end. Pre diagnosis was a rollercoaster of arguments, power plays, impulsivity, depression, drug taking on nights out, Hyperfocus/ me being ignored, crying/breakdowns, her mind racing, anxiety and generally living her life at 1000 mph.

    I wanted to reach out here because I feel like there may be people in the same boat as me that could help. 

    I have tried and tried to do everything in my power to make this work and I feel like I've failed. 

    We've been to couples counseling (pre-diagnosis, so that wasn't helpful), I'm doing my own therapy, she's on medication and now has a behavioral coach. She developed loads of helpful hacks to combat her symptoms such as multiple reminder alarms and writing notes (there are notes everywhere and piles of them). Our arguments became less and less as we both have been learning about ADHD.

    I worked on my anxious thoughts and feelings and she worked on her. The issue is that we haven't been able to solve this one problem.

    When her symptoms get too much for me (excessive talking all the time, fast actions, spilling and breaking something by accident, mood swings, tears etc), I shut her down.It can be something like stopping her midway through a sentence and saying 'I don't mean to be rude but I'm doing something'. This leads to a nuclear explosion of anger like I've never experienced. Like going from 0 to F.U in seconds.

    This then makes me angry and we have explosive arguments about ridiculous things. She ends up in tears ( pouring tears like someone has died), in bed with anxiety, and then it ends with her saying she can't believe I would upset her. How she doesn't have time for me to be rude, dismissive, unsupportive, and if she feels rejected or shut down, I will always get verbal abuse. No compromise. If she feels attacked because I'm in a mood and I've had a go about something that may not actually be her fault (but I've maybe had a bad day and not in a great mood) forget it... it goes to nuclear anger. 

    She's now started telling me I'm gaslighting her and it's emotional abuse. She says it's about 3/10 and that I may not know I'm doing it. I think I use my words in arguments to get my point across in an argument in a way that confuses her - I tend to talk about multiple things to use as examples of how I feel. and talk around the point instead of addressing the point. Perhaps to use as ammo to get my point across. She says her working memory isn't great so when I ask for examples she can't give me any. So all this makes me feel like a horrible person and all I've ever tried to do is try my hardest to make us work as a couple. Same for her.

    So now it's got to us going to 0-10 in anger any time she feels rejected or shut down. Even if we haven't had an argument, it seems that the smallest thing can get in her head and tip her over the edge. She gets so sad at night, if not medicated. And I mean tears and depressed, then in the morning, she tells me I'm the best thing to ever happen in her life and gives me loads of lovely compliments. 

    All our arguments have been from me shutting her down, not listening and being unsupportive. I feel so bad that her symptoms trigger me as I really try. But it seems to just build and build, until I say something and the anger and tears are back. I could go on about the 6 hours it takes to pack her suitcase to go on holiday, the verbal emotional outbursts, the PTSD she has when she was beaten up by an abusive guy at a wedding who beat up his gf (she jumped in to help and tried to fight him after calling for help), she thinks her mum and sister don't like her because of the way she was to them when she was younger etc etc... No matter how much I try and justify it, us ending still feels like I've failed and I'm deeply sad. 

    It seems we're just incompatible and I'm relieved I don't have to deal with this anymore, I feel tired and beaten by the whole thing but I wanted to reach out to find out if perhaps I have done something here that I shouldn't have.

    Thanks for your time.x

     

     

     

  • Hello everyone... by: sadinsavannah 6 months 4 days ago

    Let me start by expressing my thanks for this forum. My wife of 20 years was recently diagnosed but I have had my suspicions forever. It wasn't until she recently had Covid that the ugliest side of ADHD reared it's ugly head. 
    She had a very bad experience with Covid and lost most of her senses for quit some time. Almost as soon as she recovered, she went into a hyper bucket list phase. I tried to be patient and understanding but when she had an affair that drew the line. 
    her premeditated affair, she claims was very impulsive and she absolutely couldn't stop wanting to do it. After the affair which happened an few months ago, I didn't find out until last week.. she claims she cut it off and couldn't understand why she did it and that she loved it and it would be hard for her to not do again. So we seemed medical advice. 
    last Thursday she went to the local medical behavioral place and was immediately told she would be more than probably have adhd and need medication, this of course has to be followed up my a test which we are awaiting to have done on the 15th of February. In the mean time they prescribed her 40mg of a non stimulating meditation. I have to admit it's helped her focus and calmed her all over the board thinking. I think this is going to be a long uphill battle. Until the 15th ... thanks for the support and I hope to gain lots of support here 

     

  • Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) by: Ardorguy 6 months 6 days ago

    My wife is ADHD and cycles through the mood swings of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition has devastated our marriage and ruined our intimacy life. I have come to dread the weekends, because I never know what will trigger the RSD episodes. RSD is a self-fulfilling prophecy so to speak. The more she rages about the lack of sex, and makes me feel put down and humiliated, the less I want it with her. We are in our 60's and our sex life has been few and far between. Early in our marriage sex was fun and spontaneous, but now it's a constant point of contention and the spark rarely happens. For me, the problem is in the relationship too … the day to day stuff outside the bedroom. She wants romantic times, but never ever does one thing to provide them. She is a rather thoughtless person in that regard, and has no clue how to be romantic towards me. It never comes 'at me.' We only figured out that she was ADHD about 15 months ago, after I read 'The ADHD Effect on Marriage.' Ten thousand bells and whistles went off in my head about her family and upbringing (a family of total slobs, in the housework sense) and she discussed it with her mother and it was confirmed that both of her brothers were diagnosed as ADHD when they were young, a fact we didn't know. They didn't get treated because she "didn't want them to take pills." I'm 99% sure her deceased father was ADHD, I knew him well. ADHD (ADD) was a 'boy thing' back then too often. The signs in girls often escaped notice. If I had known early in my marriage what I was dealing with I could have coped better. She agrees that she's "on the spectrum" (her words) but refuses to see a professional so far. The RSD episodes come out of the blue. The triggers are somewhat predictable. For example she'll watch a show with steamy sex or intense romance, 30 minutes later I'm on the defensive being called names. These episodes in turn make me never want to touch her — that's the self-fulfilling prophecy bit. It's the total irrationality of it that's frustrating for me. The 'black and white' thinking, everything is 'always or never' … the communication can never be achieved because of the rigidity of her thoughts and emotions. Sexual and intimate feelings are just about dead for me, which is sad because it should be a solid part of any marriage. I'm sad looking back on it all, I'm sad I feel helpless to solve it. It is way beyond my "expertise." I barely know what people are even talking about when they discuss sex and intimacy in marriage. I married at age 29 and don't even know what it's 'supposed' to feel like to be married, even at this late age.

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