Dos and Don'ts for Finding a Couples Therapist if You or Your Partner Has ADHD

As you might imagine, working with couples is quite different than working with individuals.  Professionals have two people to address, two perspectives to sort through, and a need to help couples find a mutually beneficial path forward to resolve their issues together.  This work does not resemble individual counseling.  With this in mind, we offer some tips for finding a couples therapist versed, as well, in working with couples impacted by ADHD.

DO make sure you find someone with specialized training in couples therapy

Many well-intentioned therapists take one couples therapy class in graduate school and then begin to work with couples, relying mostly on their instincts. While this is common practice, unfortunately, there’s just too much at stake in couples work to be reliably helpful without dedicated couples therapy training. Additionally, the specific dynamics that can come up with adult ADHD for ADHD impacted couples requires specialized knowledge in these patterns and how to address them. Working with someone who has focused training in these two areas will set you and your partner up for a much more positive, productive couples therapy experience. 

DON'T stay with a couples therapist that leaves you chronically feeling worse when you leave the session.

While being in couples therapy is certainly hard work, it should be clear that you are learning and/ or working towards a new normal, even if it feels difficult. If the sessions just feel like rehashing your fight at home and don’t get you somewhere new on a consistent basis, it’s time to look for a new therapist. Importantly, if your couples therapist doesn’t know about ADHD relationship dynamics, you could be spending a lot of time, energy and money on therapy that isn’t addressing the real crux of the issue – that ADHD impacts how you both relate to one another. 

DO look for someone who uses evidence-based and possibly state-dependent couples therapy models.

Evidence based couples therapy models have been subjected to research, and proven in their approach to have the best chances of helping couples to repair old hurts and enact new dynamics.  State dependent models make sure you aren’t just talking about the last fight, but actually doing something about HOW you navigate conflict and connection.  

Some solid evidence-based and state-dependent models that each has its virtues for ADHD couples therapy are: Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Pragmatic Experiential Couples Therapy (PEXT), the Psychobiological Model of Couples Therapy (PACT), Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and Internal Family Systems for Couples (IFS).  For couples impacted by ADHD, IFS is a particularly robust model.  The ADHD-based model that we use in the ADHD & Marriage consulting group has not been through a paid research test, but is based upon over a decade of in-field use and improvement. The fact that it is attuned to ADHD couple specific issues makes it quite effective.

Consider sessions that are longer than 50 minutes long

Evidence shows longer couples therapy sessions are more effective for all couples – and I would argue that’s even more true for couples with ADHD relationship dynamics. Longer sessions – 75 or 90 minutes weekly, or even intensives – allow you time to discuss the issues AND work through them before you leave. Folks with ADHD often appreciate the extra time to work through getting to the bottom of the issue, lean into hyperfocus, and not have to task-switch out of therapy in the midst of a high intensity emotional moment. 

Questions to ask

So, some great questions to ask a new couples therapist are: In which couples therapy models have you trained? How many couples have you worked with? Do you have consultation or supervision tailored to couples therapy? How do you see those models being useful for us as a couple with ADHD relationship dynamics? 

Any couples therapist who takes the practice seriously will have great answers for these questions. 

...and the bottom line

Taking into account all of this guidance, the true measure of whether a couples therapist is a good fit for you is whether you both feel helped, like you understand one another more deeply and are finding more ease together as time goes on. Good luck!

Rachel Ban, LiCSW is a veteran couples therapist who has specialized in couples intensives for over a decade. She is a consultant with the ADHD and Marriage Consultants program and the Program Director for Intent to Action. You can find her private practice at: www.rachelbanlicsw.com