Arguing, name-calling, judging, berating, stonewalling – these behaviors don’t mark your relationship as uniquely at-risk or off-track. They mark your relationship as human and quite ordinary. However, if you want harmony and happiness, there is one extraordinary thing to do during moments of tension and discord in your relationship:
Stop defending yourself.
To be clear, you are called upon to have healthy boundaries, and to limit your exposure to the behaviors of others that are hurtful. I am not advising you to “just take it,” or accommodate the unacceptable. I am suggesting that the way you defend yourself may be strengthening – rather than resolving – persistent patterns of relational conflict.
We all have defensive parts that really want to help.
The parts of you that are activated during relational stress truly aspire to help you. Parts will Rage, or Criticize, or Give-It-Right-Back, or Go Silent, or Hide and Disappear. Do you see any of your parts in that list? They really do mean well. They want to protect you.
Try being curious about the wishes and hopes of your protector parts.
Your protector parts hope to bring about good things for you. Make your partner finally hear you. Humble your partner so they are finally able to be curious about who you are and what you want. Teach your partner how painful it feels to be treated that way.
If you really get to know a part that defends you, that part might reveal to you its innermost wish for you. It’s likely to be something akin to this: your partner will finally realize their mistakes, genuinely apologize, open their heart and love you.
It’s a beautiful wish, right?
Here’s what a client of mine learned about the wishes of her Rageful part, which often hijacked her system during conflict with her partner. She asked her Rageful part this question: In the face of your Rage, what do you hope he will do? Her Rageful part answered:
He would wipe that smug look off his face!
Hearing this, I suggested she ask the Rageful part a follow-up question: And if he wiped that smug look off his face, then what would happen?
He would stop defending himself and start listening!
We kept following this way of being curious, and went deeper. And if he started listening?
He would finally know the impact he was having on me.
And if he really got it, really understood that impact?
He’d finally be real and vulnerable, and apologize to me.
And if he was real and vulnerable, and genuinely apologized?
He would work with me to create a healthy, loving future together.
After that exchange, I asked my client whether her partner ever responded that way when she was furious towards him. No, never. Despite many efforts – determined efforts! – the Rageful part never got the response it was going for.
Protector parts fail. Repeatedly.
IFS founder Dick Schwartz has called this a “law of inner physics” – protector parts most often bring about the opposite of what they truly want.
Sometimes they fail for years or decades. Instead of transforming your partner into the more agreeable and collaborative person you know they could be, your protector parts guarantee things stay about the same. Or deteriorate.
So stop defending yourself. And do what, instead?
Get to know your protectors. Become truly interested in these parts, and get some skilled help to do this more efficiently and effectively. Your protector parts provide a road map to deep self discovery. As you explore them and ask questions you can get to know them with more clarity, and unblend from them. You will learn when and why they took on these jobs, and how strategies that might have worked for you in the past aren’t serving you well now. On that journey you will also meet some vulnerable parts who will be pleased to meet you and be able to better assist you.
As you develop awareness of your parts, a shift will take place inside. You will have access to more creativity, curiosity, courage, clarity and compassion. These qualities will support you to transform patterns of conflict into pathways of connection.
Curious about parts work?
The support of an Internal Family Systems (IFS) practitioner or therapist can help you befriend your parts, setting the stage for the real-time practice your relationship is inviting you to do. Couples impacted by ADHD also benefit from working with someone who fully understands the pressures that ADHD and responses to ADHD can place on a relationship.
Jason Weber, M.Ed, LPCC-S, LICDC-CS is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting https://www.adhdmarriage.com/about who focuses on Internal Family Systems (IFS) work with couples and individuals. He also offers a 7-session couples support group grounded in IFS. Outside of consulting for ADHD & Marriage, he provides online therapy and IFS consultation at www.jasonwebertherapy.com
- Jason Weber M.Ed LPCC-S LICDC-CS's blog
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