hyperfocus

ADHD, like so many things that people go through, exists on a continuum from more intense to less intense, and in addition, there are different types.  There are those who are Inattentive (and may appear to be spacey), and those who are hyperactive/ impulsive, and those who are both at the same time.  No two individuals with ADHD show up the same way.

Excessive use of electronics is not a neutral activity when it comes to relationships – it takes time away from family and partners.  In our house it can feel as if my husband’s electronics rule my life.  If I ask a question or sound speculative about anything, the first thing he does is whip out his phone to look up the answer.  He views it as being helpful and interesting.  I view it as a distraction that pulls his attention away from me and from our conversation.

There is a very interesting forum conversation going on that I would like to highlight here for those who are interested in whether or not they should continue dating someone with ADHD.  In a nutshell, the original poster is nervous about whether or not the problems she sees in her relationship with her boyfriend with ADHD will always be present or if they can be improved.

Wondering if your marriage problems might be explained by the presence of ADHD?  Here are six signs that you should look for:

There have been quite a few comments lately on this site suggesting that people should avoid marrying someone with ADD.  This advice makes me very uneasy and I would like to weigh in on it.

Are you angry that your ADD spouse is able to focus on something of great interest to him, and not to anything you want him to do (like the dishes, or childcare)? If so, you would not be alone.

Transitions are often very hard with people with ADHD, and this can cause headaches for couples.  The typical response is that a non-ADD spouse expresses anger and disappointment that the ADHD spouse is never on time, can’t start or complete chores, and never seems to get into bed at a reasonable hour.  This doesn’t need to be the way things are, though...

When one partner has ADHD, it can be tempting for the other partner to micromanage their behavior. However, it is much easier to look at your own behavior than to try and "fix" someone else.

In a blog about ADHD and marriage, it’s all too easy to “hyperfocus” on the ins and outs of relationships, without looking at some more general issues that many have with ADHD.  We got this post recently from a man who is having trouble focusing at work.  So, for all of you who have trouble getting going at work, here are some tips:

A woman who has been married for 3 years to a man who was diagnosed with ADD after they got married, has taken the time to write to me quite a bit about her situation.  It is one that I recognize, as it closely mirrors the situation I had in the beginning of my own marriage.  One of the key issues is that she and her husband had a wonderful courtship, during which he “hyperfocused” on her (though neither knew that this was the case as it was happening).  Now she is desperate to feel loved and in the kind of relationship her courtship had led her to expect, but she finds her spouse unrecognizable.  Not only does he not connect with her, but he dismisses her concerns about their lack of connection, leaving her frequently in tears.  She is “in shock because I feel as if the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist”.

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