Once again, my husband and I are at odds over phones. But how we’ve resolved it this time is illustrative of one good way to get past having legitimately conflicting objectives. The phone issue remains outstanding (for now) but I’m actually happy. Years ago, in our “old relationship”, this situation would have caused a huge amount of conflict and pain. Here’s how we now avoid that…
I ask couples to clarify their personal boundaries so that they are more likely to work as partners. When you first start this process, though, it can feel as if you are getting “rejected,” particularly if those boundaries have to do with intimacy issues. Let me help you understand why setting boundaries is an affirmation of your relationship, not rejection.
For those of you who now see that ADHD might be hurting your marriage there is a lot of information to digest. So here are six important, easy-to-remember ideas to focus on first so you can start improving your marriage right now.
It has been my observation that people with in ADD marriages violate each other’s personal boundaries quite frequently, and in both directions. This becomes a huge issue for the relationship, as both partners become locked in an unwitting struggle for control, lose respect for each other, and often lose a sense of themselves as unique individuals in a way that diminishes them individually and as a couple.
I often hear the comment that non-ADHD spouses need to lower their expectations in order to be happy in their relationships. I would disagree. I think that all spouses need to improve their expectations. Let me explain my thinking, and how this might work in the real world.
Do you have the experience where everything you do seems to end in conflict? Are you in the middle of a conversation and suddenly your spouse is going on and on about how you used the wrong word? One of our readers wrote about it this way: "the entire conversation is ignored and the one word is focused on, whether it be to accuse me of changing facts, or blaming her for something, taking a stab at me or just flat out missing the point...there is so much anger and unhappiness ... I have stopped talking since everything I say gets disected and used against me in some way."