Forum:
I am the ADHD partner. I have been with my partner for 10 years. With increasing frequency, it feels as though that I become distracted when she's speaking, or she feels I am not paying attention to her. This recently reached a head last week, where she feels that yet again I chose to not pay attention to her. She has responded with anger, as I've tried to apologize. She even said to me that she doesn't think I'm sorry, but she will make me feel sorry. How do I weather this? How do I get her to see that I do truly care about her, how do I take care of myself as she seems more out to deliver punishment than seeking a path forward?
Comments
The outcome matters
Sorry she’s angry with you.
I’ve been the non partner. There’s one thing I’ve found: the outcome does matter to the non partner. No matter how good your intentions are, and how loving you are, she will feel you’re disinterested if you don’t listen to her.
You really can’t expect a non partner to not react to their perceptions. All humans do. If her senses tells her something, she’ll believe it, no matter what diagnose or symptom on your part can be blamed for it. I guess her anger is a sign she feels unimportant when you can’t concentrate, and that it’s happened more than occasionally. And perhaps she’s noticed you can concentrate in other settings - perhaps at work, or with other people you’re less relaxed around.
How to solve this? I don’t know. I just think you have to respect her experience. Maybe you two could have a code word, or a routine for when these hurtful things happen. But I wouldn’t advise you to stick to the theory that she’s trying to punish you. From what I gather, I’d say she’s hurt, not starting a conflict out of the blue.
Good luck.
How to get her to see you care...
Put down your phone or game controller and wash the dishes. Get the kids bathed and ready for bed. Vacuum the floors. Scrub the toilet. Cook dinner. Make your own appointments. Focus on your grooming. Wash and fold the clothes. Get help for your condition and follow the advice. Get a coach. Hold yourself accountable. Ask her what you can do to help and then do it with a grateful heart. Ask her on a surprise date and arrange childcare and dinner reservation. Be an engaged partner not someone who needs to be taken care of.
How to get her to see you care...
Dupe. Sorry.